To think im not at fault here!!!!

[Ivenamechangedsomanytimes]

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

I feel sorry because you seem quite unhappy.
But there is nothing wrong with change, perhaps trying to drop a couple of habits if you’re aware that others find them annoying?

I think the thinking aloud and ‘second-guessing’ of things will probably be the most useful to drop. Try to commit to things and make the best of them. Who cares if something else might have been better, you can’t go back in time so you will never know!

I find the phrase: ‘There’s always a fly in the ointment’ quite useful. You can have a wonderful meal but the car park is terrible or a waiter is off-hand - oh look, there’s the ‘fly’, it doesn’t have to spoil the whole experience!

Not sure what else to add but perhaps let jokes and traditions evolve more naturally. Some will be dropped in time, others will become part of your family patchwork quilt.

It sounds to me that you have reached a stage in your marriage where you want different things. That is the basis of the conflict. I don't think it's just driving you should contemplate alone. I remember being in my last marriage and feeling stifled. My husband was one of those who expects everyone else to be perfect when he was very far from it. So I did a brave thing... I wasn't that confident a driver but I waited until he had gone to work and packed the car, took my son and drove 200 miles to my dad's. I left a note asking him to move out. I had never driven that far before or on a motorway and I felt liberated. Since then I have had a long term relationship that didn't work out either, but I stayed in it longer than I should have because I was afraid of being on my own. When I finally ended it I decided to be on my own for a while (I had never single for more than a few months). That was sixteen years ago and I have never been so happy! I have driven everywhere, Cornwall, Scotland, London. I do have my youngest son with me because he's autistic but he doesn't talk much and I just look after him and remember not to talk too much around him! But it's glorious to have the TV to myself, have time for my hobbies and running a modest business. I don't know how a man would be able to fit into my life now and that's just the way I like it.

I think you sound great! But it sounds like you are a bit of a people pleaser maybe? Do you think when you are saying 'maybe we should have gone to x' it's a bit because you think other people are thinking that so you sort of say it to show that it's ok if they think your choice was rubbish?

You sound like a lovely person who is probably over compensating for a DH that is just not as into doing things as you are. I'm a bit like you, I love having a nice day but I also like chatting afterwards about how nice the day was and going back over it! I have friends that enjoy doing this too so I don't think you are strange.

I wonder if a bit of counselling is an option to get to the bottom of your people pleasing behaviour and help you decide the next steps in life. I'm not saying you should leave your DH but if there is the option for you to be with someone who also loves arranging things and keeping up fun traditions then maybe it's worth thinking about.

So there are two possibilities here.

Firstly, what you find to be just your normal mithering is actually really over the top and you are not perceiving the impact on people around you, who are just burned out with it all. It may have got worse as you get older which is not uncommon. People often underestimate how their behaviour affects people around them - it can be exhausting.

Or

You husband is getting increasingly grumpy as he gets older, and is responding from this. He is being a jerk to you, and your children are reflecting his disrespect. You say he loves you, but it is hard to see where that is.

@Bluemonkey2029
Thank you
Yes that's exactly me. I like going over things and talking about the fun we had. My DSIS and close friend are the same so I don't think it's Strange either.
Sometime DH will do the same, but I forget he's not like me.

Tbh your husband and kids sound pretty boring to me, there's nothing wrong with the way you are imo. It's natural to want your family to enjoy holidays, nothing wrong with asking them if they have! I'd be frustrated too if they didn't seem to show any interest in what you do when away, I'd think what's the point. I think you've worked to make them all happy for the whole of their lives and it makes me sad for you that they don't even seem to realise that, nevermind appreciate it. I'm sorry but I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone as dull and negative as your husband. Seems like now the kids are almost grown up the reality is showing that you two are just not compatible. Start doing more for yourself and don't worry about them, let them entertain themselves.

I think it's a mix of both tbh.

@BadSkiingMum
Yes I agree. No point in going over things. I really try not to do it!!!

I also don't think there's anything wrong or weird about talking to your husband about your day after getting home from work. Find it bizarre that people here don't do that?! It's absolutely normal to want to decompress and talk about your day with your partner.

Sorry to hear that @Ivenamechangedsomanytimes . If it was all you, there would be more you could do about it! What would your husband do if you sat down with him away from the house and at a time when you are not arguing and point out this pattern? I know I sometimes get into a groove where everything someone does annoys me, and it is way beyond reasonable. I know this about myself so I can catch it, but is it possible he does not know he keeps doing this? If so, pointing it out may help. People change over time, and what we have always done may not still work as well. But if he has changed to an extent where how you are is going to continue to attract criticism and annoyance, that is not a good sign.

I do think that my overthinking Is due to worrying my choice was rubbish
Yes!!!
For instance the hoping to go for a nice meal whilst away and packing a nice outfit. Eldest DC did the same(he's very similar to me as a rule). Then we didn't end up going as DH said don't plan, go with the flow(the chippy). I didn't argue as I didn't want to micro manage but then I missed out on a nice meal and Dc did too, although they said it was fine.

I think you are judging yourself far too harshly OP. Are you sure your DH wasn’t always like this but when the DCs were younger and fun you could bat it away but now they are judgemental teenagers its coming in from all sides and you feel like the odd one out? If you feel judged all the time then you’re going to be more aware of it and more nervous in turn.

There are some things I discuss with DH as he’s can be black and white about things and that can be useful. With other things it isn’t and I know I won’t find his suggestions helpful as I don’t think he’ll quite “get” what my issue is. Usually I have friends who have a better idea of what I am
on about so I just speak to them instead.

It feels like your sense of self is quite tied up in how your family see you and I think it would be positive for you if you could work on separating that.

OP you sound like you have some wonderful qualities but you also dominate the conversation with a lot of internal monologue, anxious chatter and quite irritating habits.

Do you engage the kids in substantive conversation, modelling intelligent discussion about world events for instance, news or opinion, or is all this stuff about family ritual, counting down to Christmas and very inner concerns both a conversational fire blanket for everyone else and a comfort blanket for you?

I feel like your husband has a big part to play in not developing too, if he's going around burping and farting in front of you and not allowing you any opportunity to air your work concerns.

However, is all your conversation very 'me' centred or is any of it actually interesting to an outsider and a developing teenager?

Do you listen or mostly talk? Honestly?

Could you offer the children wise advice or just comforting rituals?

Maybe you need to update your role both personally and in the family. Seems like youre recognising you are not quite keeping up with changes but are trying to address this by mithering and criticising rather than adapting your communication style.

I think DH has work to do too as I say. Maybe a set amount of time to listen about each others work? But that's only really viable if you're not rattling on about any and everything the rest of the time.

I recognise my parents in you. What other interests and outlets do you have?

My mother has never grown up and now can't understand why she isn't very involved in our lives. She just blethers nonsense for hours and it's so draining when facing adult issues.

I think having a stressful job can have a big impact in terms of just wanting to ease off and relinquish the burden outside of work. It sounds like you have to spend quite a lot of time being the “adult” when you are outside the home.

@Shitlord
Of course I talk about other stuff. It's not one big countdown to Christmas. I'm not like Mary Poppins or something 😁
Just normal stuff, school stuff , whats on telly. Don't talk that much on normal days as they are glued to xbox.
Holidays we like history and sight seeing.
I will engage on any subject. Depends where we are and what we are doing.

I like lots of other stuff, the theatre, reading, socialising. Long walks. Beauty and stuff like that. Love cooking.
I'm not some weirdo wrapped up in my dc lives and chatting like a bored old pensioner.
I have over invested in them, I will admit that though.

@Coughsweet
I think he.has always been like.this to a degree. He's always been a bit of a pipe and slippers man. However, he hasn't always had quite a short fuse or so easily irritated. And if he was ever snappy with me,he would apologise. Now he doesn't seem to care or notice.

He's also very black.and white and is great with a practical problem. Not good with any emotional stuff, so i would go to friends.
We haven't nutured our relationship over the years, despite me telling him one day it would just the 2 of us. We don't go out as a couple(his choice, not mine). As for getting him away from the house to talk. Absolute zero chance. We don't do anything outside the house without Dc.
I go out with friends. He.doesnt really.go out. His choice again.

I really dislike the ‘Your mum is mental’ comment. Is he trying to get the dc to take sides? I’d be pretty upset about that. You haven’t changed, yes, he’s becoming less tolerant.

I was furious and upset about your mum is mental.
And I know some posters have said I was overreacting about the board game argument, saying its normal for families.
Totally get that. But they asked me to play a game. I was ready to settle and watch TV with a wine as I was knackered and it was late.
There I am, setting up the game, and I'm waiting like a lemon, while everyone is on their phones and pissing about! Which is why I said leave the game then. Cue everyone saying "what?!!!!"
And DH saying I was nuts for presumably 'overreacting '.
Best is, DH has like zero patience!

I know I'm going to get slated for this but you remind me a bit of my DH, who has ADHD (and is autistic, but it's the ADHD bit that is ringing bells).
He voices all his thoughts too and can be very indecisive. He also makes up names, songs, rhymes about all sorts of things. Not in a performative or 'I'm mad, me' sort of way but that is just how his brain works, he has no control over it.
It can be exhausting but he now has pretty good insight into it and we can joke about it together and I can tell him to stop when it's too much. I also see how much stress it causes him at times.
Our kids are teens and sometimes find it annoying but just roll their eyes and he does his best to rein it in. It helps that he is actually very witty and funny also.
I am absolutely not diagnosing you with anything but I couldn't not post when I saw so many similarities.
There is no excuse for your husband showing contempt towards you, especially in front of your children.
An honest and respectful conversation is needed, I think.

I don't know if I have ADHD. I don't think that I do!
I don't sing made up songs all day long. I do regular stuff too😁
I know my best friend makes up names and silly stuff for her dogs too.
I get the silly dog names may be a bit too childish for Dc.
But DH is just annoyed at me generally talking to him. I know it's seen as nagging/repeating or talking crap.
I can work on that. I have to.
Think I will still sing to the pets though( when I'm alone🤪)

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes I honestly think you are less of the problem here than you initially set out. When you get a frosty reaction that can make you really unsure of yourself, especially if the situation has changed, it feels like the rug has been pulled. I think you have a couple of stroppy teenagers and a grumpy middle aged man judging you and you’re taking the responsibility for it. Let them get on with it and say no next time to the game.

Yes possibly. I'm overthinking as usual.

I always say yes to a game as I think there will be a time when they won't want to do it!! So I'm kinda like available .
If they say I just want to chill on my phone, I'm okay with that too.

Have you thought about what would happen if you didn't plan and arrange and no one else did? Would it be bad and who would it be bad for?

So if you wanted to watch TV and drink wine and they asked to play a game you can say no and they can play without you. If you don't arrange a little holiday and you stay at home they can entertain themselves.

You have done this for years, arranged, planned, kept the kids busy, more than others, you say. is this not exhausting? And if you visit the same beach every BH then it is a routine so why take offence? Have you asked what others want?

Often when the children are older we realise we have nothing in common with our OH anymore because, as you say, we haven't nurtured our relationship, but spent most of our energy on the DC's. How are you going to retire with a pipe and slippers man when you are an on the go person. When did you realise the difference between you both?

In the beginning he may have thought you were quirky and interesting and now he is less tolerant of those traits. You may have found him solid and reliable and now you may be less tolerant of those traits. Quirky becomes irritating and reliable becomes boring IYSWIM?

Whereas before you had a lot of energy to be all you wanted to be, maybe you feel more tired now and more resentful. Sniping in a relationship is not good and you will both pick up on it more quickly.

You do come across as quite defensive but you could try some self reflection and ask yourself who you are doing all of this for, and why.