My DP is mad at me for quitting my job because of how it will reflect on him

[Sandywoes]

NC for this.

I work 2 jobs. A FT+ job I really enjoy and a PT job for 12 hours a week since June to bring me in some extra money. The PT job is for a public sector large organisation which my DP also works for, but in a completely different sector. He's only worked there a couple of years but he's done really well and recently got promoted.

The PT job has been shite, it's intense work for minimum wage but I've just tried to keep my head down, let things slide and get on with it because it tops up my wages from my FT job.

On Friday however, there was an incident at PT job where I made a very minor mistake and 2 male colleagues just laid in to me about it. I was apologising and trying to diffuse the situation but they just carried on and on. Aggressive and swearing. Fortunately break time was called and I went to the toilets and cried. I felt really shaken and that they'd acted really disproportionately. Both of my supervisors came in to speak to me and I said unfortunately I would be going home because I wasn't used to being spoken to like that. They were both very nice about it, I was nice to them, I was just upset.

I was due to go back last night and getting increasingly more anxious to the point I was feeling really nauseous about going back. I called my DP and explained how I felt and said that I wanted to just hand my notice in, I'd not been enjoying it anyway, there had been other instances but this one felt different. He was concerned about how it would reflect on him. This really upset me so we said bye etc.

I drove to the PT job but I just couldn't face going in. I wrote out my notice and statement of what happened on Friday (they'd asked me to) and emailed it in to my manager.

I went home and DP was out collecting the children. When he got home he was really mad at me. At this point I felt really frazzled and upset and I just wanted to go to bed but he wanted to talk about it. He's upset at me for doing so. I explained that I will find another PT job which he doesn't need to worry about anyway because it will not affect him. I was upset because I felt he didn't have my back with what happened and that he was more upset about my leaving would reflect on him rather than how I'd been made to feel at work. He then said I should have just gone off sick with stress and got paid a while.i don't want to do that! It just drags it out I just want to move on to something new.

I'm hormonal and emotional so please help me understand, have I been unreasonable?

No you aren’t being unreasonable.

Leave it a bit until you feel calmer, outline to your DP the treatment you had from these 2 guys, explain that you are a person with boundaries who will not put up with that, and the fault is with them not you. And say that is the end of the discussion.

I’m assuming you have to do these extra hours but hope that working hours (both jobs and child and house care) are being shared equally between you and DP??

I’m with you. I wouldn’t have stuck about with that.

Why is it down to you to work two jobs to make ends meet anyway? Please tell me he’s pulling his fair share workwise too.

My husband has left a job that was really affecting his mental health.

In our case it DID affect me and we really struggled, but him being whole and happy and okay is the most important thing.

You have already said you will get another job and the fact that he cares more about his appearances than your emotional wellbeing is really sad.

Your partner sounds absolutely awful.
What those men did was wrong.
In fact it was verbal assault.
Did you feel frightened by them?
What a pity that you didn't make a complaint.
You can still do that if you felt frightened.
You can ring 101 and ask advice.

Your partner is horrible.
Probably not the first time either.
Call Womens aid and ACAS for advice.
I can well understand how upsetting that would be.
I hope you feel better soon.
Life is always very hard when you have a horrible partner.

Thank you.

He gets paid a lot more than me but we have to each pay 50% of the joint expenses (house, bills, childcare etc) so I have to have additional work because otherwise my FT wage doesn't really allow me any personal money/savings. I'd rather not work an extra job because I'm exhausted but it is what it is, our mortgage and bills have ballooned like everyone elses!

Presumably the job your DH left was his only job and thus a large part of joint income?

I can’t imagine quitting a second part time job has the same impact- maybe OP’s DH could take up a second job if so?

Of course you shouldn’t work somewhere you feel unhappy/uncomfortable.

You say you’ve only been there since June so you would not have got sick pay.

You made the right choice for you. It’s your partner’s problem how it makes him feel.

Your husband is an arsehole.
Sorry. Although I think you probably worked it out already. What kind of man watches his wife work in the way you do, when it’s not necessary? An arsehole.

Why do you have to pay 50%? Is it one of these awful financially abusive relationships again?

That sounds verging on financial abuse. Are your finances shared or does he get to keep a big chunk for himself after he’s paid his half of the bills?

Well clearly there are a few issues here.
He does't have your back either emotionally or financially

Are the children his? If so, this is not normal. Normally people either pool their money or pay family expenses proportionate to income.

That sounds rather a rubbish situation, you don't have to share finances etc, but you are supposed to be partners and that includes caring for and about each other's wellbeing. That's what family do. If he earns so much more, surely he can up his proportion for a while.

Yes it was his only job.

I guess my point is that a spouse should care about the other person's mental health and OP's husband is only kicking up a fuss due to appearances vs it affecting him financially (which seems so selfish and coldhearted).

I know a lot of people who have moved jobs and left jobs due to hating it or mental health. It's a part of life and something to navigate as a team.

I really don't think OP's husband has any right to be angry and it says a lot he is okay with her being sworn at and berated by colleagues.

Also, this is yet another example on MN of women paying 50/50 despite wage discrepancies and running themselves into the ground.

Imo all things paid should be a proportionate percentage to wages so each have the same spending/saving money

You have children with this man but finances are not equally split ? Why not ?

I can guess why.

Is your partner financially abusing you? Why don't you pay a proportional amount of your wages, why 50/50?

When DH earned more than me, he put more into the joint account. Now it's reversed. A decent partner wouldn't see you working an extra job on top of full time, just so you could be 50/50.

What a dick.

of course you don’t have to be abused at work as he should know. A decent man would be worried about you and furious with his work place

I know someone who works full time for one government dept and part time for another. Finished main job at 4. Walks to other building and starts part time job at 4.30. As they are different pay rolls it’s ok, I don’t think they ask if you’re employed elsewhere and as long as you do your job ok then it’s fine. His second job finishes at 9, so he’s home for 9.30pm and in bed for 11 ready to get up early for his full time job. Some people don’t have much choice but to have 2 jobs and he’s doing well in both. His partner doesn’t see him much but that’s life I guess.

This sounds like financial abuse op.

You should not have to pay 50% if you earn less.

A fairly simply equitable relationship is one where you work the same number of hours. Work includes paid work, childcare, housework.

Do you both?

OP - you say you’re paying 50% of bills each. This seems incredibly unfair if he’s earning a lot more than you. And you’re doing 2 jobs to make ends meet. This isn’t on, unless I’ve misunderstood. The bills split should be more equitable based on salary

Why are you paying in 50% aswell? Everyone I know pay in proportions according to how much they earn myself included. When my DH was earning more he payed in more, now it's me I pay in more. Can't believe he'd rather you stay in a PT job you hate to top up your wage when your already working FT that's awful

Well it sounds like you shouldn’t even be doing an extra job anyway!