Dd wants to stop working because of rude customers

[Dricol]

Dd (16) is a lovely girl, hates confrontation and is a people pleaser. She has had a part time job for a few months. Enjoys it for the most part but really struggles with rude customers. So much so she now wants to quit. Dh is okay with this but I’m hoping these experiences will toughen her up.

For example, yesterday she had a less than perfect experience but nothing to get upset over. A child had dropped a plastic toy that looks like a doctor’s instrument set. Dd rushed over to help pick up as she thought it was real and said something like “oh phew, I thought it was real.” Which made the 5 or 6 year old child burst out crying and the mother saying something like “well it is to her”. Apparently this child cried for 20 minutes and kept pointing at her. Anyway this upset dd. She says her cheeks were burning red the entire time they were sat in the shop. Her place of work is in a hospital.

She often has people asking her to let her off money that goes over whole pounds. We found out she was eventually saying yes and the putting in 5p/2p from her own purse! It’s a charity so dd felt obliged and felt awkward as some adults were really pushing her to the point she decribed it as “borderline begging”. For the sake of pence. She said it shocks her how tight some of the customers are.

Anyway, should we let her quit because the experience can occasionally be unpleasant. I’m against it. Dh thinks she’s given it a go. We’re proud she has been able to get up very early, transport herself to work and just generally get on with everything with minimal fuss.

I'm conflicted as I would love her to address her people pleasing ways.

Building confidence is a gradual thing, throwing someone in the deepens will not create confidence. Small steps. Get her proper careers advice and a job or voluntary work that relates to her interests

That ^
I'm constantly described as resilient and customers have reduced me to tears (mostly of frustration) and I'm 40!
It's the patronising sarcasm that gets to me, the swearing I don't mind too much as at least I can hang up on that

The type where I will say "I can't.." and get "oh you can't can you? Well listen to me you best find a manager now before I start a complaint about your attitude".. then when I offer a manager they'll be "good girl"

Okkkkayyy 🤔

I'd let her quit. The workplace sounds like a shit hole where she's being abused.

I do know that is the reality of Britain today and that the general public can be ridiculously rude and demanding (and sometimes dangerous), but I'm not sure that learning to deal with nasty people is part of toughening up. If someone is being domestically abused, we don't say - oh great that'll toughen you up, we say let's get you the fuck out of there. Why is it OK for her to go to work and take shit from bastards?

That's a problem and leaves a 16 yr old to contend with difficult customers.
I worked in retail and the amount of customers when cash was king oh I'm only four pounds short etc and got stroppy when told you couldn't get your shopping at markies if you were short.the usual reply was oh that's different...No my books have to balance at the end of week and I'm not putting it in.end of discussion.
Hard to find your voice to be assertive at 16.

My general rule of thumb is to stick it out for at least 6 months so it's worthy to stick on your CV but it doesn't sound like she's coping very well in this work environment. Is she studying alongside this job? I'm sure she can find something better suited to her and there is no shame whatsoever in admitting a job just isn't a good fit. Not having a supportive manager also is a big red flag, especially for someone her age that could do with some support and guidance when she's struggling.

"Almost all of my friends have professional jobs that involve dealing with difficult people.

Doctor
Dentist
Solicitor (one person got reported to the Law society for refusing to take on a litigation case they thought had no hope of succeeding).
Architect"

The balance of power is not the same. All of these people are older, already degree educated and hold knowledge and qualifications that the client needs. Threatening a solicitor is like taking a knife to a gunfight, and dentists and architects are often partners in the business and can throw people out of the building and send them a firing letter if they fancy it. Doctors can't, but I imagine (hope) there is more of a framework and protocol for dealing with abuse or general shitty behaviour than a lone teenage volunteer in a hospital building , who is dealing with the whole cross section of society that move through a hospital on any given day including horrible people, people with various forms of mental illness, people under the influence of drugs or alcohol- and the people in the middle of this Venn diagram- but outwith the NHS framework and such support as it offers.

Don’t let her quit. Tell her to get another job asap.

Well said.

There is loads that she can be taught, by both you and her manager. Has she spoken to her manager? Dh and you can give her suggested responses / sentences, like pp above suggested. Dh and you talk to her about things she could have done in each situation. The putting money in stops, immediately. If the place really is that toxic then leave. But she does sound quite naive and needs to grow a thicker skin. You can help her assert herself quietly but firmly. I did waitressing from 14 to post uni, I never let anyone treat me badly. Help her.

She's probably not going to learn a lot from this job if the manager isn't around much. I run an independent shop and have no issue politely letting CF customers know they need to be respectful of staff. I keep an extra close eye out for younger members of staff who don't have a lot of work experience, as I can remember being a teenager and working for employers who left me to get on with dealing with customers without a lot of guidance.

Does she know what type of career she wants to go into? If I was 16 again, I'd definitely go into something non customer facing!

What @DefyingDepravity said

I've worked in similar student part time roles and made myself stick it out for a reasonable period

I don't regret anything, life is life, reality is I was playing a martyr...some environments can be toxic if your face doesn't fit.

A lot of people will target someone based on their appearance and demographic..

All the assertive comments and good social skills don't mean anything if someone has honed in on someone because they're a young female, or wrong face for the environment.

As I said, I stuck it out.

The reality is I had the skillset to do other forms of (paid) work and I should have leaned into developing these rather than flagellate myself for minimum wage.

It's not necessarily character building, just taking away time and energy from her grades or building up long term skills.

Some people are extroverted/thick skinned/feel they can get great tips from customer service/enjoy the hurly burly.

If not, it's often just a waste of time for a small amount of money.

Or if it's just part-time work around studies, keep an eye out for roles where her face fits.

For example, there's some small posh offices which want "nice", well presented, softer people as their front person. A polite sixteen year old would be great.

I used to do one day a week paid as a charity receptionist, one of the full time workers wanted a 4 day week so I was perfect for the role.

Or often third sector organisations want volunteers, and if they're good they get moved onto paid work. Maybe a museum or something?

It will also help with building better social networks and references than a customer service role.

I didn't need it at the time, but some of the posh alpha people at the charity offered to take me out to meet their groups...if I'd wanted to engage with these there would have been a great opportunity.

Many people get jobs or partners through this kind of jig.

Assuming she's aiming for a degree/grad career path, she should be going for appropriate internships pretty much from her first year.

So may be better looking seriously at these and what the applications will need and plan in advance.. I don't think they're looking for "I've been loyal and resilient in Asda for three years so not done anything else".

The internship pay will be much higher than a min wage job and of course will look a lot better on CV and lead to bigger and better opportunities.

It's often a fallacy people make that low pay and low status = low stress.

(I genuinely am not knocking these roles, they can be a laugh at times.

But it's definitely not character building martyring yourself for low pay working and trying to build camaraderie with people you'll never see again in your life).

You’re worried about ‘letting her’ quit because she’s a people pleaser. Maybe let her make her own decisions without having to get your approval/permission. You getting to decide makes it sound like she’s learning this people pleasing behaviour at home.

I had a terrible job I hated at the age, it didn’t teach me anything other then finding out more about how horrible anxiety is. Then got a similar role but with a much better manager and did loads better. Been in a situation that makes her feel stressed doesn’t sound like it will develop her assertiveness. Why encourage her to endure when a different job could help her develop and gain confidence.

Well there's a reason why hospitals have security on the door and in a&e there's some absolute horrible nutters in there. Normally the loud aggressive one is some fella who stubbed his toe while the pensioner in agony sits quietly in the corner.

Perhaps this experience has helped her to learn that customer service is not a viable career path for her. I don’t think Marie Curie would have done very well in customer service, and had her parents insisted upon it the world would have lost one of it’s greatest scientists. In any case it’s not up to you to “let her quit”, it should be her decision, at most you could encourage her to find her strengths and build on them.

As I’ve said on another post. Society is fecking awful. Yes she needs to
quit! Teach her that no fecker should be affecting her mental wellbeing and find some where she enjoys

It's up to dd of course but I'd tend in the direction of the op. Help her cope with it to help her develop her resilience.

right but in that example it would be hard for it to have meant anything else. What were the alternatives? One less pregnant woman generally?

Whereas in OPs example it's at least as (really, much more likely) she could have meant sales assistants generally, or young people, or women, or people working in charity shops, rather than firstly assuming the woman even correctly identified the DD's nationality given OP described her as 'passing as white' and then specifically meaning 'people with half-indian nationality never give reductions.' Which doesn't even make sense, it's not a stereotype or a known saying, whereas 'sales people don't usually give money off' IS a pretty well known standard!

If she’s done it for a few months she’s given it a good go and she needs to find something more suited to her temperament - ie a less public facing role.

I get where you are coming from, but this seems soul destroying for her and I would be hugely proud she kept going as long as she had.

She’s 16. I worked awful customer service jobs at her age and they weren’t “character building” at all. They were just really, really shit jobs and awful experiences. She’s got her entire life to abuses in customer service roles. I don’t see the benefit or glory of putting her through it, personally.

I don't get the let her quit thing. It's up to her. She's 16, not a 10 year old who wants to quit a sport or an activity after the first class. People need to get out of their comfort zone and challenge themselves when they are ready and at their own pace, not by being forced. That is likely to make her more anxious. Your role as a parent at this age is to guide, not to dictate.

Why does she need your permission to stop?

If you give in now she will never learn and every job will be the same. Every job has people you hate to deal with most being staff, this seems to be just customers so if all else fails tell her to stop helping people and those who ask for cheaper advise she’s not the manager and by not paying they are taking from the charity which is the point of them purchasing.

It such a shame people feel the need to be unpleasant to anyone in shops, let alone someone who is young. I hope you find a path that works out for her.