Dd wants to stop working because of rude customers

[Dricol]

Dd (16) is a lovely girl, hates confrontation and is a people pleaser. She has had a part time job for a few months. Enjoys it for the most part but really struggles with rude customers. So much so she now wants to quit. Dh is okay with this but I’m hoping these experiences will toughen her up.

For example, yesterday she had a less than perfect experience but nothing to get upset over. A child had dropped a plastic toy that looks like a doctor’s instrument set. Dd rushed over to help pick up as she thought it was real and said something like “oh phew, I thought it was real.” Which made the 5 or 6 year old child burst out crying and the mother saying something like “well it is to her”. Apparently this child cried for 20 minutes and kept pointing at her. Anyway this upset dd. She says her cheeks were burning red the entire time they were sat in the shop. Her place of work is in a hospital.

She often has people asking her to let her off money that goes over whole pounds. We found out she was eventually saying yes and the putting in 5p/2p from her own purse! It’s a charity so dd felt obliged and felt awkward as some adults were really pushing her to the point she decribed it as “borderline begging”. For the sake of pence. She said it shocks her how tight some of the customers are.

Anyway, should we let her quit because the experience can occasionally be unpleasant. I’m against it. Dh thinks she’s given it a go. We’re proud she has been able to get up very early, transport herself to work and just generally get on with everything with minimal fuss.

I'm conflicted as I would love her to address her people pleasing ways.

I enjoyed the job. I've got the type of personality where I can compartmentalise comments like that and not let it affect me. I actually like talking to difficult people. I'm really good at talking them down while being firm about my position.

I suppose I thrive on stress to some extent.

None of Op’s examples sound like the girl is being shouted or sworn at.
Up to the girl but I can see where Op is coming from in encouraging her to stay if the job otherwise suits.
Obviously easy to say with age but a child crying and people chancing for a discount are minor in grand scheme of things.

It's difficult at that age to be facing customers like that, she needs life experience and tougher skin to be able to handle things better and not let CF take over! Maybe give her some guidance on how to deal with situations like this, suggest she gives it another month and try to implement some new ways to cope. Even if she decides she definitely wants to go, she'll have given it a good go and tried out new ways of dealing with people.

Honestly, I despise the "toughen up" and "resilience" mentality that is so often used to push people to stay in situations that are untenable for them. I think people often try and push themselves into jobs that they simply are not a good fit for and their MH and wellbeing suffers for it.

This shouldn't be down to you or your DH. It's your DD's job and it's up to her if she wants to stick it out or quit, and I think it's equally important to teach her that she has the freedom to choose what she wants to do.

I think there's a mentality that people get tougher if they're forced into hard situations that they don't like. For some, this absolutely can be the case and for others, this just isn't true. Putting some people in tough situations actually only increases their stress levels, and decreases their MH.

I think the best thing you can do is allow your DD to think for herself and make her own choice. You can't simultaneously ask her to stop being a people-pleaser and then advise her to stay in a job she hates just to please you.

If she chooses to leave, she could have a look at jobs that are less front-facing. Admin work, perhaps. Those can be good jobs to learn in and don't require too much (if any) contact with customers.

How can you let her or not let her. It's her job, not yours.

She needs to get another job before she quits. My 16 yr old works In well known fast food and she struggled with rude people at first but now nearly a year on she finds it funny and can just ignore it. They do need to build resilience to it

If she's completely miserable she should resign, but none of this sounds terribly bad, really - it would be different if she had an awful manager or something, but this just seems like the sort of everyday tiresomeness that goes along with retail jobs, and if she can gain a bit of confidence in these situations it'll really stand to her in the future. A charity shop in a hospital is likely to be a much nicer environment overall than a profit-driven one where there's a lot more pressure on the staff.

For people asking for discounts, she needs to practice saying - with a regretful head tilt - "I'm really sorry, I'm not allowed to do that" over and over again. If that's the only answer they get, they'll quickly give up. The woman with the child is the sort of irrational nonsense you can't really plan for - she didn't do anything wrong. And picking chewing gum off somebody's shoe?! The mind boggles.

This doesn't sound remotely racist and you know it.

oh come on, this is a huge stretch! Surely 'they' means shop assistants, i.e. anyone you ask to take money off always says no (apart from, ironically, your dd!) Why would it mean 'Indian' anymore than in would mean 'female' or 'young' or whatever?

I've read all your updates, and I still don't think anything that you've given as an example is particularly bad, or even bad at all, compared to average retail work.
If she was being called names or threatened I would absolutely say yes, if she doesn't need the job quit immediately. But most of these are so minor and mild, they shouldn't even register as things to get upset about. Lots were probably intended as jokes.

But these sort of minor interactions are exactly the sort of things that should be the ideal stepping stone to increase her confidence and get used to saying no. e.g. the 'money off' - she's got a perfect excuse and, if she did call her supervisor, backing. When she's in a professional/full time job she will have to make decisions on her own rationale, without either of these and be able to defend them.

If her next job is also public-facing, (and most part time ones for teens are) then chances are she will get at least the same sort of comments, if not much worse, so what will happen then? If she can't handle these, what is your next step to help her with her people pleasing/lack of confidence? Because if it's just 'hopefully she'll grow out of it' that's a bit hit or miss. What about when she's in uni and someone in a group project asks her to do their part for them? Or she's in a situation with a romantic partner who doesn't want to take no for an answer.

@AppropriateAdult
If she's completely miserable she should resign, but none of this sounds terribly bad, really

Not sounding terribly bad is such a low bar though. It's not like she is in a position where she has to take any old job to put food on the table. She is 16 and there is no need for her to be doing volunteer work she doesn't enjoy.

Actually, it could well be. This is the kind of comment that is easily made by someone who can then pass it off as not meaning what it sounded like. It could also not be, but to say it absolutely isn't is ignorant of the way many people of colour are treated. 'They' is just referring to a group that the woman doesn't consider herself to be a part of. That group might be 'the employees here' or 'shop workers in general' - but it also might be 'Asians' or equally 'young people'. And some people do hold racial stereotypes, which this could be.

Absolutely agree. You just don’t know. Sometimes when people phrase things like that you may think it’s racist and it’s not and conversely sometimes you may miss the racism which is actually there.

I remember as a teen overhearing a classmate saying “God rest her soul but at least there’s one less of them” after the killing of a pregnant Asian woman.

And it honestly took me a while to realise she meant one less Asian person.

I was just a bit gobsmacked at her saying that kind of remark about a vulnerable pregnant woman which was horrific enough. Then later various classmates who knew her better confirmed to me she was an extreme racist and she had in fact meant it like that.

Racism especially in the UK can be very insidious and racial gaslighting abounds. Not sure why people are falling over themselves to say it’s not racist when we actually don’t know.

When adults don't like their jobs, we encourage them to find something else they enjoy. Why is it different for a 16 year old?

I'd encourage her to stick at it.

I've been working with the public since I was 12 years old, and I'm in my mid 50s now.

Sometimes it's tough, sometimes it's scary but for the most part it's fine.

If I were to advise my DC I would say try to stay for a but but have some help on what to say. If people are begging to be let off money she needs to practise a quick and confident "I am sorry I can't reduce your bill. That is xx.amount please". Go through.common situations amd help her with what to say and how to say it.

What does she want to do long term?

Almost all of my friends have professional jobs that involve dealing with difficult people.

Doctor
Dentist
Solicitor (one person got reported to the Law society for refusing to take on a litigation case they thought had no hope of succeeding).
Architect

To be honest I can't think of anyone who doesn't have to manage interactions as part of their role.

I'd encourage her to stay and get the experience - better to learn now than in 10 years time.

None of them are 16 though. I don't suspect any of their difficult customers treat them like they are 16 either 🤷🏻‍♀️ They have also had lots of training and are actually being paid money to do their jobs.

My dad always told me I had to have a new job lined up before I left one, it's stood me in good stead over the years. She'll be fine, and if she's going to be in customer feeding jobs this doesn't sound that bad, I worked in a supermarket at her age, customers there can be much worse! With regards to the money she has to say no and stick with it, the price is the price pay it or go without.

It absolutely does and yet you want to pretend it isn’t 🤔

Honestly I don't think any of this is too bad and it's a good opportunity to support her to practice some real crucial thinking.

What are the pros and cons if I resign?
What are the pros and cons if I don't resign?

Get her to write them down, and talk it through together.

And like PPs have said, if she wants or needs to work, having a job at the time of finding another is always better.

Also... teach her some coping mechanisms!!

Internal eye-roll
Sincere-sounding 'oh I am sorry about that'
Convincing 'I'm sorry, I can't do that (discount or whatever)'
Also notwithstanding outright sexist/ageist/racist behaviour, genuinely teach her that not all people are kind/open-minded/worldly/rational/calm, and that's ok.

As PPs have said, as an employer these sorts of experiences are invaluable on CVs... I respect any young person who's faced up to a challenge and not been mollycoddled through their years of study by their parents.

Please don't make her stay in a job she hates, that feeling of having to go to work to somewhere horrible is the worst.

I was 16 (45 now) and fresh out of school when my mum told me I had to get a job so I did. I hated it so much so I used to cry before I went and when I got home but my mum kept banging on about resilience and needing the money. It made me really ill and that sick feeling still stays with me sometimes.

Let her choose.

To be honest, two things stand out: 1) is that the examples you give are actually not that bad, and 2) is that your DD lacks confidence and is a people pleaser.

You can make the job a bit easier for her by giving her skills to deal with the customers. As PP have suggested, do role play where you (and/or her little sister) play the awkward customer and she thinks up responses to them then you/sister can offer suggestions of your own that should help. So teach her how to deal with this sort of thing, because in all honesty most work places are like this - the general public can be awful - and so can colleagues.

She could do with learning techniques for handling people so she has more confidence in herself and her ability to cope and diffuse situations - this is a life skill she really does need in the world of work! Being a people pleaser is not good in the work place, nobody respects such a person, they get used and crapped on. She does need to learn boundaries and that the world won't end if she says No.

To this end, I think she could look for another post while working on herself in this one. Knowing you can leave if it gets too much does help. I do think there are some who won't be able to develop an ability to cope with difficult people, even with lots of support - but any skills your DD can take away from this job are going to help her with the next one, because people skills are transferrable and invaluable in any work place. She's young, but she can learn strategies for how to shrug off other people's behaviour in time.

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job 
And heaven knows I'm miserable now.

DD was asked to pick gum of a customer’s shoes? This is a strong indication this is a degrading job and there is plenty more inspirational jobs and people she could work with.

Sitting back and talking about resilience won’t do anything but make it worse and put your daughter in a dangerous situation. This will be another story on the news in no time, “Unmedicated patient attacks teenager in hospital.”

That escalated quickly.