Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

If he likes lists so much, give him a list of life admin/ chores to equal it up a bit!

Goodness, what is he doing, making a list of things to justify leaving you?? Does sound a bit that way OP. Not surprised you feel upset.

So not only does he not pull his weight in this relationship, he is keeping an accounting of things that you "didn't do" to throw in your face.

Yeah, that's very nasty. I'd feel it was a dealbreaker too, personally.

That's very wierd. Do you have a history between you of confronting each other about things done/not done?
Holding a mental or physical list of grievances is not going to be constructive for a happy marriage so I'd suggest that you try sone couples counselling as clearly there's some big unresolved issues here

Give him a list of jobs to do

That's actually insane! So petty.

WTAF is he doing? Why the hell would someone write such a list? Makes me wonder if he is planning to somehow use this against you. Else what is he hoping to achieve by doing it?

Well God forbid he has to watch his OWN child for a couple of hours.

I'd honestly walk out over this OP.

I can see his divorce lawyer crying, shaking and advising him to get EDRM for the ptsd of having to babysit his childten while you outrageously get your hair cut. Poor man. Who wiped his bum while you was out?

Why is he so petty? Some of it I don't even understand. Why can't you go for a run and he look after his own child?!

It doesn't sound healthy at all. If he has a problem, why doesn't he just say.

It sounds like he’s planning to leave and divorce.
If he is at the stage of lists of your ‘ faults’ then it’s over isn’t it.
You need to have a conversation without children there and take it from there.
I’d be pointing out that 50/50 children will mean he’s responsible for them 50% of week inc making sure food, appointments, all childcare.

He made A LIST?!?! To use against you in case you accuse him of not doing something?!?! WTAF?

I'd say either the two of you have some counselling to improve your communication or your relationship is pointless.

I worked with a woman whose husband (now ex) did this. He noted everything on an iPad, every time she worked late or was working on her MBA etc. It came to nothing but was clearly doing it to try to paint her as a bad mother for when the child arrangements were dealt with.

Sounds a bit hysterical, but I'd leave him over that. How can you live with someone who makes lists like this? Urgh. They certainly wouldn't be getting laid again at least - not envy.

I couldn’t move past this either op. Is he just point blank refusing to discuss it?

Wow, that’s completely ridiculous and is the kind of stuff you’d expect a teenager to do, but a grown adult.

Would he think it unreasonable if he went for a run or a haircut and you watched his child?

If not, why not?

He sounds like he doesn't even like you

I'm sorry OP, I would be so upset as well.

I’d also be as petty as doing fuck all for him - no food, laundry just sort you and kids.
If he’s going out ask what childcare arrangements he’s made you aren’t default childcare - anyone can make a petty list - minded child 1 and 2 while dad goes for a run again.

That sounds heartbreaking. Does he really resent / dislike you that much that he feels a need to keep a running tally of all the ways you've failed to please him. I think this would be a deadlbreaker for me.

I'd leave him. That mind set is something you cannot get past.
He's "listing" your "crimes" as tho they were facts when each one has context. Utterly appalling.

Time to make your own list

Nope I couldn't get past that. Extremely weird. Even if he seemed perfect in every other way. Creepy.

Reading that made me feel uneasy. What a nasty piece of work he is.

I also wonder if he’s lining up to leave and this is his list of ‘evidence’ as to why.

I’m not usually one for dramatic statements, but I don’t think I could remain with my husband after this, it so clearly crosses a line and shows you what he really thinks of you.

I’m sorry OP, what an awful thing to have found.