Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

Usually the one with fat fingers who mistyped and didn't realise you can change your vote.

Just when you think you've heard it all on MN. He's awful. Have you thought about about leaving him? I wouldn't feel comfortable around him anymore.

I would like to hear from him why he resents you so much, because you'd only do this with a spouse who's driven you to insanity with their constant mocking, nitpicking etc.

If this doesn't apply, then please leave. Leave either way, because this level of petty, vindictive note keeping shows the relationship is contentious beyond normal.

I can't imagine the amount of bitterness it takes to spend so much time documenting every perceived fault in your spouse ☹️.

If he really loved you he would be encouraging you to go for a run, have your hair done, do his share of the parenting, housework and life admin and want the best for you.
Instead he is demeaning you and keeping score. That isn’t love and is a really bad example for your children and for them to grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
Why would you want to stay with someone like that?

I'm gobsmacked! Especially the one where he had to watch child 2 when you went for a run. Seriously, it's his child too!! 🤬

I genuinely think I had just got so used to this kind of thing that I was almost ready to push it down, but it won’t go. It’s just dragging me down all the time.

I genuinely don’t want to look at him.

I am happy to end it. It will be hard as he’ll say he wants the house just to spite me.

It’s one occasion his shit life admin will be in my favour. He’ll probably just let me organise the divorce too.

My ex did this. All the so called ‘incidents’ such as not cooking dinner had perfectly valid reasons such as him being 4 hours late home and the DC being in bed! 🙄 It won’t end well OP, where there’s that much contempt you need to get out.

Sounds like someone has advised him to list your failings in preparation for divorce!

Why else would you specifically record for keeps these things?

"‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’."

And who was supervising the child whilst he went for a run or does that not count because it's not 'inconvenient' to him to make him godforbid parent his own child!

Huge red flag, I'm sorry love but it sounds like your marriage is dead in the water and he's preparing to twist things to make it look like it's all your fault (obviously it's not in the slightest. The stuff you've listed is normal shared partner/parent stuff and anyone worth their salt would laugh in his face when he produces his list of reasons. It would massively give me the ick too.

If I were you I'd take it as your lead and withdraw from "looking after" him and start to prepare yourself and your finances and personal information and pull the rug out from under him. Bring up divorce and sharing childcare, making sure he realises he'd have to, shock horror, parent his children by himself! How ever will he manage a run if he has to play daddy? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

You won’t regret that decision!
His list won’t help him get any more assets. I don’t know the individual circumstances but most splits are 50/50 these days but can be altered to whoever has DC more or a lower income.

Could he be recording stuff with separation/divorce in mind?

Fucking hell, is he gonna be pulling you in for your annual review. What a twat.
You know what you need to do OP. Do it as soon as you can.

This is definitely a part of a bigger issue and I would start loosely planning for life as a single parent.

I’m also a “list maker” and have done similar things with DP in the past, and it has always been when I feel I’m at breaking point and want to have something to look over to ensure I’m not going crazy and making issues where there are none. This was suggested to me by a therapist when I was doing CBT as a way of dealing with issues later on. I would write them in my notes while feeling angry/pissed off/resentful and then come back to the list later on when I was a bit calmer to see if they were “me issues” or “DP issues”. In my circumstance, it was about an even split, which I think is quite normal, and I discussed it with DP once I had accepted my own fault in the situations. However, your DH’s unwillingness to discuss or or even accept or understand why it may be upsetting to you makes me think the issue is within him and not you, and he has no aim to fix that.

The only time I did anything similar was when I was preparing to split up OP - clearly it's beyond the point of annoyance and at the point where he doesn't much like you so I would accept that the end is nigh

Hope so.

It could be debated its better to need it and not have it, considering how the details are important if ever the marriage does come apart, yes morally its omg but then when its lawyer vs lawyer at least there's details of x,y,z etc

Blimey though.

Shocking anyone should be so callous towards a life partner. I know people like this exist. Still shockingly awful though.

One day you'll look back on this as a gift op.

I’d send him a list of his own failings. Regularly updated

what a total wanker

I hope you really do leave. You're worth so much more 💐

That is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on this site. Leave him. Leave him asap.

Nah don't send lists or play games. Just quietly plan your exit. See a solicitor. Make your own list of everything including anything from the past.

Wow. Seems he resents 'looking after his own children' (don't get me started on that) whilst you swan around, go for a run, have a hair cut...whatever...

I'd not be able to look at him either OP.

Not sure how you'd get past this one without a divorce tbh.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Refusing to apologise is the nail in the coffin. Twenty years of that shit is enough. He’s not going to change. Stop doing things for him - shopping, cooking, laundry and sex, etc. Continue to ask him to look after the kids so you can have your ‘me-time’. Get your ducks in a row and be happy!