Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

FWIW OP I think you have every right to give him another chance. It sounds as if he is taking things on board at last and that's great. You also sound resolute in stating that if he doesn't change or lapses back into his old ways, it's done. There's a balance to be had.

it’s obviously sad to feel I’ve lost 20 years in a largely unhappy relationship

oh Op, he’s done a number on you 😞

and as for Trying to shame me into leaving with your palpable disappointment…. i don’t know you from adam. I’m not disappointed in anything you do or don’t do.

I do however feel for you and your children

i’ll leave you to it
but from an Op where you talk about two decades being largely unhappy, him putting you down in truly heinous ways, you saying he narcissistic etc… to now pouring energy in to sticking up for him - is, well a testament to me that he’s even more sly than initially we though lt.

Good luck and all the best

I agree sadly. It’s sad watching posters have a number done on them.

Yeah it highlights how important it is to get out ASAP. To strike whilst the iron is hot, otherwise, the fall back into the fog of 'maybe it's not so bad'.

It's like quicksand. The more they struggle, the more they get pulled back in. They should have grabbed the branch offered to them and pulled themselves out with all their might ASAP...but instead they thought 'oh maybe it's not so bad, I'm sure I'll be fine'. In not wanting to struggle, they condem themselves to death.

@RaiseitM I am still very angry.

I am not defending him, so much as defending my decision to go through with the counselling and not just leave outright.

Honestly I would rather stay in a marriage of convenience than go through with a divorce right now.

Some days I don’t even want to look at him, as I’m thinking about the lists.

It might make me a dreadful woman, but my children are happy and that’s my focus. If this can not affect them, then I’ll grin and bear it another 8 years.

I think scolding me for not leaving is the best approach for sure.

It’s all good and well talking about this as if it’s as simple as waltzing out the door and into the sunset, but outside Mumsnet, that’s not the reality of it.

@RaiseitM no worries.

I haven’t said I’m determined to stay.

I was pretty open the counselling could help a split be less acrimonious.

All the best, thanks for the support.

OP, you don’t have to decide whether to leave him today. You’ve said that you want to explore all avenues before walking away for the sake of your kids, and I respect that. You and DH are doing counselling—his attitude toward it, whether he is remorseful, and whether he changes his behaviours going forward will tell you everything you need to know about whether you should leave.

@ThatsCute thank you. I appreciate it.

Have you dealt with the lists as part of the counselling? Have you discussed this with the counsellor and with him?

I'm not sure if you're doing one-to-one and combined counselling but I think you have to raise that as it was such a line in the sand moment for you and shocking to the people who have replied on this post.

Also to add - staying with someone for 8 years just so that your children can see mum and dad together, is just wrong. You could be much happier apart from each other and still show your kids love (probably more love because you wouldn't have to have barriers up to protect yourself from whatever he might come out with next as a way to demean you).
I'm not saying that leaving would be easy - it surely wouldn't but at the end of it, you still have your kids and you'd also have a release to freedom.

Best of luck with it all though.

@LookItsMeAgain yes, lists came up first as it was the straw that broke the camels back. Honestly the counsellor wasn’t that bothered by them, more by his lack of and style of communication, even with her.
Sessions together and separately.

If you can't get past the lists that he made (as in returning to them as an issue) then they will always be a stumbling block in your marriage and I don't think any amount of time in counselling will help you get past them.

I do wish you well, whatever your path may be.

@LookItsMeAgain that’s what I’m finding at the moment.

I still think it can be done amicably though. The counselling has opened the door to that.

Why now does he communicate better because of a therapist?

what will happen when the sessions end?
will he revert to type?
has he been referred for his ASD as no one but s professional can dx that and who brought it up

are you seeing the same counsellor for joint and separate isn’t that a conflict as in your privacy rights as she can blurt out someone you didn’t want him to know in joints sessions.

no one can tell what to do that’s all you, but I’d give a time stamp so you have a goal and end but don’t tell him that. See how it goes but review in a year.

remember you can leave for any reason

I get the sense @IfIwasablackbird that you need to do this and that if you are not satisfied with the outcome that you will then reassess and walk. I don't think it would be the way forward for many and something I wouldn't advocate but you seem to have a steely determination to do it your way.
Just thinking of those lists gives me the shivers but you have to do what you feel is right for you.
Please stay in touch for support and I wish you lots of luck and strength for the future with or without your husband.

Just as an update.

It didn’t work out. I can’t let it go and actually it all just made me really angry about the whole marriage. I can’t forgive this.

While it doesn’t feel great, I’m looking forward to the next chapter of life. All civil so I think we’ll be able to co-parent well.

Luckily lots of helpful threads on Mumsnet about separating!

I’m glad to hear you stood your ground and did what was best for you. Sometimes letting go can be harder than clinging on, so I’m pleased you put yourself first. All the best for your next chapter!

@IfIwasablackbird my take on it was that he was preparing "evidence" for separation/divorce. Glad to know you've separated as it will be much better for you. Please be careful, though. I wouldn't trust him.