Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

He can say what he likes OP. The details are not sorted by him luckily.

Life would be so much nicer outside of this soul sucking 'marriage'.

Get legal advice and get going ASAP. Let him see what life is like when he has to do all the stuff you do for him, for himself.

It's time to just hear while noise when he spouts off.

Yep. My stbexH made lists. Every time he vaccumed. Or walked the dog.
Or 'babysat' (never except once I was in hospital for 3 days & kids aged 9&12)
Timed by the minute. Little notebooks. The resentment oozed out of them.
Qu is: is it for good reasons ie therapeutic consideration of who is being unreasonable? Or simply to prove to himself/ lawyer/ his family you are awful?
You could ask him. Mine was the latter of course. Sorry but this might be the end

I genuinely hope you leave this man as soon as humanly possible. What he has done, who he is as a person, is absolutely chilling. He doesn't value, respect or even like you at all. Please don't spend another minute of your life with him.

What an utter cunt. I couldn’t get past this and it would be over. It shows he places no value on your relationship.

Now I'm the epitome of a list maker - I have at least 2 on the go at the moment.

I have made lists about what to pack to go on holiday, pros & cons of which house to buy, which job to take, lists for Christmas presents, work tasks etc etc.

But never in my 40 year relationship with DP have I ever made a list of his faults, things he's done, things he hasn't done. And trust me when I say we've been through some tough times when I could have walked away.

At the very least he's checking out of the relationship, but to my mind he's checked out and is using the list to give him excuses to tell people why his marriage failed.

The best I can suggest to you is couples counselling, but I'll be honest this is a line that's been crossed. Sadly I'm thinking ducks in a row time, which is of course another form of list....

It would be the end of the relationship for me. It's an insight into who he is and how he thinks about you. What a cunt.

Thanks everyone.

Had a little cry reading the above. He really does loathe me doesn’t he.

You said it yourself ,you will be happy to leave him. I know he will be an arse over the divorce but it will be worth it for a whole new life. And as you say p, his lack of organisation and laziness will disadvantage him in the divorce.

I’m so sorry OP, but glad you are treating this as the dealbreaker it should be. You deserve to break free from someone who views you that way.

i would guess its more as been proven in history and on mumsnet when people say about their partners when people argue some do list x,y,z reasons and say to their friends etc so in this case it pre-empts that line of thinking by having the details for if it did come to divorce etc

My ex did this and actually would text me the list. Gave me the ick. He's an ex for a reason

What matter more is... How do you feel about him?

I'm sorry OP, please focus on yourself.

@2sisters I feel familiarity. I was a teenager when we met and he was in his mid 20s.
I’ve never known better.

Just imho — and obviously I don’t know him — it sounds less like loathing than a fundamental disconnection, almost an inability or unwillingness to appreciate you as fully human and equal. I’m conscious that might sound like a cliché, because it’s unfortunately so common.

I am not saying it’s any better or easier though, and I truly don’t mean to nitpick, I just hate to think of you feeling loathed

That list is shocking OP.

I know it’s thrown around a lot these days OP, but it sounds like a Covert Narcissist.
Quietly resentful and simmering about every imagined flight to his ego he can think of. They only ever really think of how things will affect them anyway, but I know this realisation will come as a massive shock.
He sounds vile and you lovely xx

@AllTipAndNoIceberg yeah, you’re probably right. We can’t discuss women’s rights as he’s one of those who thinks it’s nonsense and nobody has it harder than anyone else.
He’s a white, middle class man who went to public school….

@augustusglupe he has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. A sense of grandeur about himself that makes him better than everyone else.

tbh, if I saw the same from dh I would kind of get it!

We've been together 30+ years, happy and committed, but like most relationships they go through phases and sometimes difficult times as we all change and develop as we mature, get more life experience, after significant life events - managing a home, the stages of raising dc etc and not always at the same rate.

When dc where young there were times we argued or debated issues between us, which is normal. dh would have loved a list to hand when I accused him of not pulling his weight as he always struggled to counter my side of the argument with examples. IME women tend to have better memories of these things where men forget them in the moment.

Is this perhaps why he wrote the list, rather than trying to disrespect you, or have ammunition for leaving, he just wanted to show he does do some things.

To me it just sounds like you need to be able to communicate better to split the burdens so you don't feel you do everything and he doesn't feel the efforts he does make are not recognised (even if they need to be more which is what you want to achieve).

I don't think it is quite a LTB moment unless there are more issues.

He's a cunt.
Leave him.
Be happy being without him.

I'm really sorry x

@IfIwasablackbird You are worth more than this.
My advice would be to leave. Dont let this be the rest of your life, please.

I genuinely think a lot of men don’t see their female partners as equal humans, just as service robots. They don’t actually like us and certainly don’t love us. You can see this clearly in the list and how he tries to make you look stupid in front of your kids. Sorry for you OP. Leave him behind and you’ll thrive.

WTF. I thought my ex was the only prat that does this. It's actually a thing isn't it?

What made you think this superior wanker was good husband and father material?

I'd honestly get rid. Life's too short to stay with someone that hates you.

Your children are learning some awful lessons about marriage.