Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

It's the resentment and contempt that he has for you.

That's not love, it doesn't even sound like he likes you even.

I made a list once but it was after I kicked my lying, cheating, abusive husband out. The list of all the horrible things he did to me like when he told me he was glad I had a miscarriage.

When I was a bit shaky, the list was to remind me not to cave and take the horrible fucker back.

Your husbands list reminds me of a news story I once read of some creepy bastard husband who kept an excel spreadsheet with the dates he requested sex from his wife and the reasons she said no

OP, I know 2 brothers who both went to public school, who are exactly as you describe. That is why what you said rang true.
I’m sorry you’re going through this xx

"oh goody, we can share our lists. Here's my list about you, DH"

1/ is a cunt

I have a list of all the stuff my husband is shit at or doesn't do. But I'd like to leave the marriage and use it as therapy.

I don't like him very much.

To me that's something someone does because they don't like you!

Don’t beat yourself up. A lot of us have been there. Our frontal cortex is not fully developed until we are 25 years old approx.

This is a LTB moment.

The issues are more about him than you. He does sound like a covert narcissist. Everything is all about him. He’s not able to reflect, compromise or apologise.

Please don’t put all the blame on yourself. It’s never too late to start again and be happy 💐

The upside of having met these weirdos is that after dumping them, you can observe from afar as they do it again and again to subsequent sucked in women.

When I left my ex, despite him making it clear via a list, that I was not up to snuff on any front, his life imploded and he had his house repossessed by the bank.

He was still telling his parent we were together 18 months after I left him which I thought was weird. Maybe he was blaming my presence for the loss of his home. I wouldn't put it past him.

I have enjoyed observing from afar over the last twenty years as it proves it wasn't me after all. So far he has not managed to find anyone else to put up with his 'charms' and yet I know he was hoping to find 'the one' and start a family.

Holy crap! I’d start writing my own list: had to:
. organise all appointments for both dc for the past 10 years
. buy a vibrator because Dh so shit in bed
. organise all diy for the past 20 years
. decide on and apply for schools for both dc
. organise and research all holidays for the past 20 years
. do all housework and cooking for the past 20 years

I’d also stop doing a scrap for him. He can cook/wash for himself and frankly can fuck right off. He sounds like he’s prepping for separation. I’m praying you’re on the mortgage, even if you’re not, it’s a marital asset and you appear to be the main caregiver for the dc. Bet he doesn’t even know their teachers’ names! Absolute coño.

Wow that is so petty, childish and obnoxious! I didn’t realise adults did stuff like this Especially as you carry most of the mental load. Maybe time for you to just do stuff for you and the children

I rarely say this but l agree with the LTB comments. He sounds awful

whats the difference between someone who remembers lists of items like this vs one who writes them down ?

I’m sensing you’re a man?

I think I would make a list of my own:

1. Realised Twat Husband is an even bigger twat than I suspected with the discovery of his twatty list.
2. Consulted with the wise women of Mumsnet who virtually all agreed that Twat Husband is an unmitigated twat of the highest order and totally unreasonable.
3. Take advice from the wise women of Mumsnet.
4. Make appointment to see shit hot divorce lawyer with a view to taking Twat Husband for everything possible.
5. Divorce Twat Husband as soon as possible.
6. Live happily ever after.

Sounds like he picked you because of your naivety. How old were each of you exactly?

I’d be devastated if I found my DP had written a list like this about me. I’m so sorry OP 😞 sounds like you will be so much better off without him though.

While you're planning to leave him and sorting out the divorce, get a huge whiteboard and write down everything you do or all the household / childcare tasks and give yourself a big tick for every completed job. You could create a column for him too and put a big X against his name. Leave it on public display. Petty I know but I'm like that...

@pinkyredrose 17 and he was 25.

Just make your own list of what paperwork you need to gather up for when you see a divorce solicitor and leave him, he sounds horrible and don't waste your energy waiting for an apology, it'll never come.

You were very much a child then he moulded you into what he wanted and now your not complying hence the lists.

he’ll want the house huh no it gets sold and he can be forced to as well

lawyer up and get legal advice

good luck

Yep, i bet he targeted you. Women his own age would most likely see through him.

@pinkyredrose because abusive men do not start out abusive (their partners are not stupid) They slowly boil you, like a frog in hot water. by the time you realise how bad it is (secret lists etc) it is hard to get out (but get out you must)

OP it's hard to realise that you're maybe 'living with the enemy' not a life partner.
He probably doesn't like his life / himself very much. But he can't face that.
So someone else has to be to blame. That's you (who else - his own self? Nooo)
I am in the final stage of Divorce (separated 2 yrs). In last 6 weeks one of our two young people has been seriously ill. Whilst in intensive care with that YP
(5 days), exH (retired) wouldn't stay with our other young person (16 & Autistic). Absolulely unforgiveable. Yet, he just texted to ask if I'd like him to walk the dog?
Now, I'm not crazy here. He gets validation from offering or withholding 'help'.
Withholds when its actually needed. Offers (to look like a good guy?) when not.
I type this as I wonder if your H is similar in that he is so petty & controlling?
The example you gave of the Shakespeare Qu & your 10 y/o is just horrible. Dragging your child into his put downs of their own mother? He's really toxic.
I wish you well in moving forward (it took me ages - but I'm moving forward now)

I think you have to leave OP
This behaviour is seriously odd and shows a very damaged man. It is actually a bit scary
I am sorry but in one way its actually a good thing because its so vile it might give you the push you need to leave.

Lists?
I'd give him fucking lists all right 🤬
It's payback time 😈

Sounds like he sees everything as a transaction rather than the give and take natural in a relationship. Also sees 'menial tasks' (shopping, childcare) as your role and his is to relax and fill his time as he likes. If he can't see a problem with this, understand why you're hurt/angry, or accept that he has equal responsibility for the everyday stuff then I don't see how your marriage can survive. I'd be horrified too. It's not normal to keep lists and frankly he has too much time on his hands!

I would make him a mirror list of his failings and send it to him.
I'd also consult a solicitor.

This sounds the opposite of a gratitude list. Things you do to make his life better.
yes this would piss me off big time . Is he always so negative ?

I am so sorry OP. Do what you need to do for you and your children. It doesn't have to be immediate, it may be better to let your emotions cool down a bit. Like revenge, making incredibly important decisions are dishes best served cold.

But please know that you are very much worth both lots of love and respectxx