Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

When dcs were teens I'd have been freaked out if they thought that was normal.

Who the actual fuck is the 1%???

Make a list and leave it lying next to the bed.

Make sure it includes things such as 'Once again failed to satisfy me with his tiny cock. If only it were in proportion to his ego'.

My sister does this apparently, according to my brother. She writes dates of slights, insults, misdemeanors against her by family and friends in her diary. I've never brought this up with her but I'd love to know what she says about me!

She's just my sister so I can distance myself but sorry OP, I'm not sure I could get past this with a partner.

I suspect he's been told to make these lists for a solicitor.

I’d take this as a sign that your marriage is over. Perhaps suggest that his next list is of marital assets to split.

I would be devastated to find that. What did he say he was doing it for?

It'd be over for me, the fact he didn't discuss the issues with you at the time and instead put in a list would be reason enough.

Make your own list - although if you're at the stage of tit-for-tatting it's not healthy unless you sit down and talk it through. He obviously really resents you and dislikes you if he's keeping a tally (whatever for - to confront you with?) You need to talk it through about why he thinks parenting his own DC should go on a list!

When DP and I first moved in together he was much more domesticated than me and after he moaned at me about something once, I suggested (as a joke) that we make a list of annoying habits the other person had (reading on the loo etc). I ate my words as his list about me was 2 pages of A4 - mine about him was 5 lines. So we talked it through and divided up chores more evenly. That's worked (with occasional adjustments) for 20 years, although he still reads on the loo 🙄

😳 Jesus Christ alive!

Um, that's insane behaviour.
I can only see this being justified as part of an ongoing situation where you're both trying to work out what the distribution of tasks is in the household so you make detailed notes to compare and work out the difference between reality and perception for you both.
But isolated he's making a list of grievances, which also seem to just include having to care for this own children... and admits its to hold against you in the future... I mean that's pretty horrible.
If you have problems anyway, this would be nail in the coffin level in my opinion.
Even as the first 'issue' this would have me reassessing the relationship and that's without factoring his response to you! Which is extremely uncaring.

He won’t discuss it. Says it’s fine to do, won’t apologise.

I think it was for when I ever get annoyed that I do all the mental load, cleaning, admin etc, so he could throw it in my face.

He says if I’m upset that’s on me not him, he can’t control how I feel.

He has always put me down, says he isn’t but does it really slyly. Like teaching our 10 year old about a Shakespeare play then asking her to ask me a question about it, knowing I won’t know the answer. It’s pathetic I know, but I’m quite sure it’s deliberate.

I think it is over isn’t it. If he was even slightly apologetic and did it in anger then I could try and move past it. I feel on edge in my own house now.

Trying to justify something is the only explanation for this weirdness that makes any sense.
Sorry OP but I reckon he’s having an affair.

He thinks you aren't fulfilling your wifely duties. I imagine he's writing a list so he can demonstrate your failures as a wife. Maybe he is writing it to justify divorce or maybe to use in the next argument so he can divert and deflect attention from himself to you. Either way your relationship is fucked. Be careful I wouldnt be surprised if he records you in an argument as well. I reckon this is the tip of this wankers iceberg. Just end the relationship and stop wasting your life on him.

He is making a divorce list, and writing down the instances of your unreasonable behaviour - either for himself to remind him for in readiness for a solicitor.

So sorry but I think your marriage is over. He doesn’t look at you as a partner but apparently as a poorly performing employee! On the face of it leaving because ‘he wrote a list’ seems hysterical but it’s so cold and detached I couldn’t continue - perhaps would be different if said in the heat of the moment but to actually type them out and defend doing so is really shocking - it’s the absolute lack of caring / empathy or even embarrassment when called out on it that does it for me. You’re worth more than this.

I'd make a list on a post-it note and put it on the fridge door.
'Decide not to put up with this shit any longer'
'Make appointment with divorce solicitor'
''Make a happy life for myself'
You deserve so much better, OP. I'd be walking.

Ask him straight out, do you actually like me at all?

Because it's not how anyone behaves towards someone they love or even mildly like. It's the behaviour of someone seething with resentment and contempt.

I'd end it over that. You're not his fucking staff member, how dare he.

Oh poor you. It sounds as if he is in a separation kind of mind. I kept a diary detailing my ExH's awfulness. But he was genuinely awful- it took me a further 2 years to get away tho.

I hate that dismissal of your feelings. My exH did it all the time.

I would really really struggle to get past these lists op. It’s a horrible thing to find.

I doubt he’s having an affair. I don’t think he has the capacity.

Thanks everyone. I think the fact he thinks this is such a nothingness was starting to make me think I was being hysterical.

I really appreciate all the responses.

As many of you have pointed out, he must think very little of me, which I knew was the case anyway really. He makes it pretty clear. He only likes me when I work myself to the bone so he doesn’t have to do anything and I have spent 20 years doing so

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Divorce is no fault now so no need to list your unreasonable behaviours unless he’s angling financially.
Posters may be on right lines that’s he’s having or contemplating an affair and it’s his way of justifying it, marriage already over.
I’d not do anything rash. Get your ducks in a row and look at leaving.

My marriage would be over, OP. What's more, I'd be checking the place for hidden recordings and CCTV. Do you have a Ring doorbell? If so I'd bet my house that he was keeping tabs on when you were in and out.

He's so spiteful. I'm really sorry, but he doesn't like you at all. There's no love there. No affection. He wants to destroy you with "evidence" that you're not doing your wifely duties and that you're trying to get one over on him.

If I were you I'd pretend for now that it hadn't happened, and I'd speak to a solicitor (as a friend or family member to lend you the money so that he doesn't see it come out of your bank account) and get my financial ducks in a row.

What a complete and utter bastard he is.

I'm sure you'd be able to write a long list of all his failing as a husband and frankly a human. We all have things are partners do that pisses us off. His list is pathetic and actually his responsibility, He can buy food. He can and absolutely should look after his own kid.