Husband made lists about what I have done ‘wrong’

[IfIwasablackbird]

We were in the car with the kids recently and I opened his phone to put google maps on. He was driving.
It came up with a list of things about me ‘No food shopping left Tuesday, nothing to cook for dinner’ and it went on, chores and things.
I asked and kind of ignored it as the kids were in the car.
When I asked later he said it was in case I brought up things he hasn’t done, so he’s made lists about me!!?!? I was so shocked.
I pointed out that I am not solely responsible for food shopping, he had actually done it that particular weekend.

We both work full time and it’s fair to say I do just about all life admin, all the school stuff, Drs, dentists, school uniform etc.
I then realise there are more lists, with stuff such as ‘went for a run, had to watch child2 while she went to have hair done’.

I’m just so hurt and upset and he sees absolutely no issue, won’t even apologise.

I can’t get past it and he doesn’t care. Basically it’s more convenient for him if I just pretend I didn’t see this.

Am I being unreasonable to feel this is a dealbreaker? It just shows a total lack of respect. We’ve been together 20 years and he has always been quite selfish but this is just next level nasty.

No point in asking him that. He's shown what he thinks of her.

This would be my line in the sand OP.

When I was with an ex, I found a list of pros and cons about me. I stuck it to his kitchen unit with glue and was out of there.

If he had been the catch of the century, I would have got it but he was not and he displayed characteristics similar to those you have added in your later posts.

Leave. This sort of thing only escalates and he does not see you as an equal in any way.

He doesn’t like you. Ducks in a row and all that.

Twenty years is enough, OP. No need to put up with twenty-one years.

What a git, I'd be making a list to get myself out of bring in a marriage like that!
Look after yourself Op 💕

You sound very capable Op. Without him dragging you down your life would be much easier. At minute you are walking on eggshells and likely to neglect yourself as you are hardly likely to book in with dr/dentist/hair knowing he’s writing had to mind my own child for an hour in his phone.

I used to make a note of the way my OH treated me, but this was because he gaslit me and would say that things never happened or that I had totally imagined something. I actually had to make a list so I could go back and make sure I wasn't going mad, because this is what he would tell me "you're mental, you need help!".

But I didn't make petty lists like "he forgot to take the bins out"

Just to try to get him to address what the actual issue is instead of pretending that everything's normal.

But you're probably right, probably a waste of time trying to discuss it.

This is very weird behaviour. Imagine having your every move watched and then documented on a naughty list. I couldn’t be arsed with this strange behaviour. He clearly is resentful of you and keeping scores. Just plain odd!

Actually, his initials aren't J P are they? He sounds just like my ex.

The fact that he resents minding his own kid and sees it as your role that he is being forced to do in your absence is as bad as it gets.

youd have probably found his notes on that as well 😉

what an absolute cock. I’m sorry op, he’s justifying the end isn’t he.

That’s a really petty thing for him to have done and is certainly not a normal thing for a loving partner to do. You’re not overreacting at all. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment, and resentment breeds contempt.

So you do ALL the life admin work AND he makes a list about what he perceives you’ve done ‘wrong’ ?!!?!?

This is bad even by MN standards of bastard men.

I’m sending love and solidarity @IfIwasablackbird 💐

I agree with @Investinmyself
"At minute you are walking on eggshells and likely to neglect yourself as you are hardly likely to book in with dr/dentist/hair knowing he’s writing had to mind my own child for an hour in his phone."

Sorry you are going through this OP. Its so mean and resentful of him. And hard to cope with.

As a starting point, would it be worth getting him to face the fact that he wrote these things, by getting him to counselling, if nothing else it might reveal what his actual thinking is.

But as he'd rather you pretend that you never saw this list.. I doubt it will be easy to drag him along as he'll know he'd be in for a bit of stick from any reasonable councillor. Maybe it would help you to visit on your own.

If nothing else its made you see him in a whole new light, which must be hard to deal with.

Dear god that's appalling.

Sorry OP, your relationship is dead and it has been for quite some time.

Fuck that shit. Ditch the cunt. I couldn’t live like that.

Both being full time working parents is like doing a job share. The family admin load is massive. Yes he’s been sneaky and snide and he sounds like an arsehole, but it sounds like neither of you have put in the time and effort to actually fairly divide up all the life admin. Why are you doing it all? Why haven’t you both listed and divided up the chores and mental load?

This is either the catalyst for a break up or the kick up the arse you both need to share everything fairly.

I am not an LTB person. But honestly I think your marriage is dead in the water. If you can access the list again and forward to yourself, I would do this.

Don't know how old your kids are or whether you want to split up, but I would, from this point forward, stop doing stuff for him such as laundry or any if his life admin.

I rather like @katseyes7 suggestion- list 'on the fridge' - if you didn't have kids who would see it I would think it's a brilliant idea

My dh says you should tell your h to f off.

Good to know he has time to make a list. Not much happening in his world?

This behaviour is called gaslighting OP. If it wasn't important, he would never have gone to the effort of making a list. It is clearly super important to him.

This is how I read it too.