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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

235 replies

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 01:50

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

OP posts:
Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

echt · 27/08/2024 01:53

YANBU.

The mother of your boyfriend's other children is their mum/mother, not bio mum, which really needs to be confined to adoption discussions.

echt · 27/08/2024 01:54

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

Have you looked at the bit that says a three-hour round trip every school day morning?

Pettyhangingbaskets · 27/08/2024 01:54

The mum chose those schools so she can sort transport

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2024 01:58

What does being married have to do with it? I wouldn't be doing that under any circumstances. The mum made the choice of school, she has to live with the consequences of that choice. A three hour round trip? Come the fuck on. You'd have to be an absolute doormat to agree to this.

Allwatchedoverbytrees · 27/08/2024 02:09

YANBU.
Let's say these were your bio kids. And your partner and you were married and they were your bio kids.
Would your husband enroll the kids at a school a 3 hour round trip away without consulting you and then expect it to be you who took them to it??

If my DH did that I'd tell him to go fuck himself.
It has nothing to do with them being your bio kids or not.
Because even if they were it's still absolutely out of line to just have made that decision without you then just assumed you will facilitate it.

FloofPaws · 27/08/2024 02:13

Was there a conversation about transport when she enrolled the kids? What was her plan and was it agreed? If so maybe your boyfriend shouldn't have taken that job as he has responsibilities. IMO those not working need to pick up the slack, there's no way I could do this with my job and own kids

heartbroken22 · 27/08/2024 02:17

3 hour round trip? Jesus if the bio mum or his mum can't do it tell them to tell your partner to quit his job and find something more suited. They'll soon step up.

heartbroken22 · 27/08/2024 02:18

Bio mom has enrolled them then she can do it or they change schools

Tourmalines · 27/08/2024 02:18

Holy shit . That’s ridiculous. A 3 hour round trip every morning . No way . Let their bio mum do it . She doesn’t work , she has all the time in the world. I would not be doing this .

Original poster
newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:21

FloofPaws · 27/08/2024 02:13

Was there a conversation about transport when she enrolled the kids? What was her plan and was it agreed? If so maybe your boyfriend shouldn't have taken that job as he has responsibilities. IMO those not working need to pick up the slack, there's no way I could do this with my job and own kids

There was not a conversation about it beforehand. They are taking advantage of me because I helped last year when they were going to school right down the street. No one discussed anything with me beforehand. My boyfriend’s mother is very bossy, and I’m sure she told their bio mom I would surely do it, since technically my work schedule doesn’t conflict. But that aside, I’m not doing that shit!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 27/08/2024 02:22

It is not your responsibility, but it is his responsibility.

if he wants to take a job that starts at 6am, then he needs to hire someone to watch his children and take them to school on his parenting days. He can’t just assume his XW will sacrifice her life (and her career) because of his job. I know in this circumstance you say the mother does not work, but the principle remains the same. He cant just expect her to be the default parent because it is inconvenient for him. She should be free to go work on her child free days, unconstrained by school runs, just like he is unconstructed on her parenting days.

Original poster
newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:23

Sweetteaplease · 27/08/2024 01:52

How would you feel if you both split up and it was your daughter in the situation? I'm assuming you will be sharing his new payrise and so will be benefiting for his new role so I would do it (but I also would only be with someone if I was willing to treat their kids as my own)

If we split up, I would never expect NOR WANT his girlfriend taking my child to school across the city. I wouldn’t even consider it. I help with them a lot already while they are here, I don’t feel this is a time to bring up how I’m not treating them as my own. I wouldn’t enroll my child in a school I couldn’t take them to every day.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/08/2024 02:23

I would find it hard not to laugh at any and all attempts to guilt me into doing this.

YANBU.

Original poster
newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:29

OP here. THANK YOU EVERYONE. These bitches are driving me nuts calling me crying and stuff, so thank you for bringing me back down to earth. I was thinking everything you all have been saying.

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 27/08/2024 02:33

I have some questions about the school enrollment. You say his wife enrolled them - is this because these are schools the kids really, really wanted to go to? Performing arts school normally have a difficult audition process so do the kids have talent and want to pursue this sort of career? Why was this not discussed when they were enrolled in school in the first place? Did his ex say she would take them all the time and has now reneged? Did your boyfriend have different plans for his kids schooling? Do he and his ex get on so badly they can’t agree on what’s best for their kids?

But regardless of the ridiculous school commute, your boyfriend took a job where he couldn’t get his kids to school whether it was a 3 hours round trip or down the road. That’s piss poor. No wonder he’s on your side, he wants it to look like this is between you and the ex so he can avoid the fact he’s not pulled his weight fully.

YANBU to not take them. It’s your boyfriend and quite possibly his ex that are the unreasonable ones here.

If he can’t take them to school or arrange to get them there, they’ll have to live with their mum during the week and see their dad EOW. And your boyfriend will need to up the maintenance he pays to cover the costs his ex.

Gilbertwasawuss · 27/08/2024 02:38

A three hour round trip is insanity.

Utterly, completely ludicrous.

I don't know any reasonable person that would expect someone to give up 3 hours of their day to sit in traffic.

She needs to put them in a school that is a reasonable distance or figure out something else.
What happens if you and your boyfriend split up? Who will do it then?

And BTW, even if you were married, it is unreasonable to expect you to do this.
If it was 25 mins away that's different... this is a HUGE inconvenience

Original poster
newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:48

Gilbertwasawuss · 27/08/2024 02:38

A three hour round trip is insanity.

Utterly, completely ludicrous.

I don't know any reasonable person that would expect someone to give up 3 hours of their day to sit in traffic.

She needs to put them in a school that is a reasonable distance or figure out something else.
What happens if you and your boyfriend split up? Who will do it then?

And BTW, even if you were married, it is unreasonable to expect you to do this.
If it was 25 mins away that's different... this is a HUGE inconvenience

I don’t know if this changes anyone’s stance, but it’s not driving 3 hours. It’s that the kids schools have different start times at different schools. So by the time we would leave home, drop the daughter off at her school, then wait in line and drop the son off to his school, and come back home, it takes a 3 hours.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 27/08/2024 02:51

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:48

I don’t know if this changes anyone’s stance, but it’s not driving 3 hours. It’s that the kids schools have different start times at different schools. So by the time we would leave home, drop the daughter off at her school, then wait in line and drop the son off to his school, and come back home, it takes a 3 hours.

Show quote history

Still 3 hours whatever way you look at it . Crazy .

Umpteentimesnow · 27/08/2024 02:56

Wouldn't do that for my own kids never mind anyone else's, you'd be mug to even consider it.

KievLoverTwo · 27/08/2024 02:58

They’re insanely over privileged, all three of them. I especially find your partner’s behaviour despicable for putting you in this position and leaving you to deal with the fallout and for not just finding a solution for himself, leaving you to become the target of two desperate women wanting their precious kids/gkids in special schools. Who does he think he is?

Please think long and hard if you have thoughts about marrying him. I presume he feels he can take you for granted because you have a kid together.

Remove the women from this situation. The buck always began and stops right at him. Now it’s his job to find a solution that does not involve you.

Gilbertwasawuss · 27/08/2024 03:00

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:48

I don’t know if this changes anyone’s stance, but it’s not driving 3 hours. It’s that the kids schools have different start times at different schools. So by the time we would leave home, drop the daughter off at her school, then wait in line and drop the son off to his school, and come back home, it takes a 3 hours.

Show quote history

It doesn't change my opinion :)

Either way, it is 3 hours out of your day which is hugely unreasonable and isn't sustainable long term.

What happens when your daughter starts nursery or school?
What if your work schedule changes?

If you commit to doing it now, it will be almost impossible to stop.

ImustLearn2Cook · 27/08/2024 03:05

Whether you are married or not you and your boyfriend are partners. Partners work together and help each other out which means your boyfriend should have consulted you first and involved you in the decision making process of what you are or are not prepared to do. And this would be the same if it was your own dc.

It’s not ok to simply expect you to do this. YANBU.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 27/08/2024 03:10

newmom2022 · 27/08/2024 02:48

I don’t know if this changes anyone’s stance, but it’s not driving 3 hours. It’s that the kids schools have different start times at different schools. So by the time we would leave home, drop the daughter off at her school, then wait in line and drop the son off to his school, and come back home, it takes a 3 hours.

Show quote history

Nope still ridiculous. Did your DP change work times when he was already taking the kids or after agreeing to take them? Because if so it's not ok for him to put that back on their mum, his mum or you and he shouldn't have taken the new job that interfered with his responsibilities with his kids.

whatsappdoc · 27/08/2024 03:13

So dp took the new shift knowing he would never be able to take the dc to school regardless of where the schools were? Did you discuss the implications or did he just assume it was your job to take them? What would he have done if he didn't have a partner? Can't believe you're being made to feel the bad person.