AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

[newmom2022]

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

The bio mum thinks you are a doormat.

@newmom2022 missed the bit that it is a 3hr round trip, that's just dumb for anyone, most of all the kids! Yeah, in that case I'd say no.

You don't have to be co-opted into anyone else's child care arrangements, whether you are married or not.

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being unreasonable!
Stand your ground.
I wouldn't do this for my own child.

They have the kids every other week. 50/50.

Absolutely not.

What are you supposed to do when your child goes to nursery school?
What are you supposed to do in bad weather for ‘standing in line’?

Presumably this is a commitment for years, not a term or two.
Their mother/grandmother can step up, if they are so keen.

It’s nothing to do with being married. It’s because it’s impractical in the extreme, and will negatively impact your toddler and you.

No. The arrangements need to change. You work the mother doesn't. She needs to step up.

I’d have laughed.

Nope. It’s three hours- doesn’t matter if it’s an hour I wouldn’t do it married or not.

They don’t work- they can do it. Lazy and entitled. Why on earth on enrol them at these schools? Ridiculous. Poor kids, will be bloody shattered to boot.

He can use his payrise on a taxi. Easy solution for everyone

He can use his payrise on a taxi. Easy solution for everyone

If you drive them you choose the schools. Otherwise the kid's parents sort it between themselves.

OP they are not your children. His ex has made a unilateral decision without even discussing it with their father and it will have a major effect on your routine during contact weeks. That’s unreasonable, especially as you and your BF both work and ex doesn’t. I would get BF to tell her he wants custody revisited and changed to every weekend, since she has made a major decision that neither of you can accommodate within the present arrangement.

'This is a completely unreasonable and impractical request. No matter how much you get upset or cry the request won't become any less unreasonable or impractical. Please don't try to guilt trip me because you know I care about the kids.'
They need to sort it out, not you.

It’s not reasonable or feasible, you can’t do it. Potentially you could take one child to school, and your BF hires a nanny for the other one, but you cannot put a toddler through the current plan every day. The fact he’s leaving it to you to sort doesn’t demonstrate any respect for you or your child. Mum and dad need to have a conversation about the viability of 2 different schools so far away.

Hes taken a job where he can’t do any school runs for children that are not your responsibility… ignoring the children’s mum/grandma and their work commitments (or not), he clearly asked for 50/50 and now has passed the work to you. I’m sure you’re fabulous, but if someone had taken my children 50% of the time then outsourced the parenting to their OH, I’d be pretty furious with that person. He needs to either find a job that allows him to undertake childcare, or pay for additional help - not just dump everything on you.

Also, how much are they proposing to compensate you for your time, petrol, extra service requirements, meals out and wear and tear on your vehicle?

Why should he ? Their mother made the decision without consultation and with no thought as to how it would affect their routine. It baffles me why so many posters seem to resent the fact that he’s taken a job with a big pay rise, if his kids will benefit from it. Squandering it on unnecessary taxi fares is ridiculous - his ex decided this, why can’t she sort out the transport ?

Don't be saying silly things like you'd do it if you were married because it would still be a ridiculous imposition!

Also not sure why you're using bio mum? She's just their mum. It doesn't need a qualifier unless they are adopted.

So they are asking you to get up and take your two year old on a three hour car journey? And do that 5 days a week? No chance and I’m a real people pleaser normally.

Offer to take them to the local school instead, to show willing.

Well I'm assuming he'd want his kids to go to this special school since he's their Dad?? And if it's his week to take them and he can't and no one else wants to, what is the solution? Most people want the best for their kids

Not your responsibility and also, poor bloody kids. I assume for them it is 1.5 hours each way and you said elementary, I'm assuming you are in the USA so that's what? Age under 10.

Then what happens with your child?

Sorry but she is crazy to do that to her children and your BF should be talking to her about it.

Mum or gran can take them and pick up back to yours, they created the problem they should fix it.

Say no.

I would not do this it's massively taking the pi$$ out of you.
Where would the 2 year old be while this is going on, I expect coming along for the 3 hour school drop offs? No way.

Fair enough if it's up the road and you did it but not all that messing about.

Stay strong and stand your ground op.

It says on the OP the children's mother and grandmother do not work.

i agree, but there’s a limit. Two different schools and a three hour round trip, arranged with absolutely no consultation when you have a 50/50 arrangement is utterly unreasonable. I’d be pretty pissed off with that, never mind being asked to stump up taxi fares which will likely gobble up the pay rise, leaving them no better off. And how would a taxi solve it - the taxi driver isn’t going to see them into the schools, which OP says is what takes the time, so she would still need to go with them.

Of course YANBU
Your partner and ex need to sit down and discuss this and decide what's in the best interest of the children.

What's his plan for every second week when he has them?

He's going to need to find some sort of solution pretty quickly of they are at yours every other week.

I wouldn't say you'll do school runs when you're married, tbh that just sounds a bit like an ultimatum to get him to marry you, and it's also going to be something he can hold over you as well if you do get married.