AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

[newmom2022]

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

This is something the kids’ mother should have thought of before she enrolled them in this school. Just like every other parent has to consider these basic issues when they enrol their child into school/childcare/an activity.

No way would I be doing a 3 hour round trip every bloody morning (and afternoon?). Wouldn’t matter if I was married to the kids father or not, it’s just not a reasonable request.

I had a 1.5hr round trip for one of my dd's for a couple of years, mainly due to Covid.
That was pretty onerous, I definitely wouldn't want to be doing 3 hours trailing a toddler with me.

Stick to your guns with a firm it is not convenient!

What the actual Kardashian?
3hrs is ridiculous. They are off their head if they think this is reasonable.

If you don’t have any say in which school they go to, because you’re not in a parental role, then you’re also not responsible for getting them there. People with responsibility for the children agree on things like schools, extracurricular activities etc, because they’ll be the ones paying for and facilitating them.

It’s your boyfriend’s job to agree schools with his ex then sort out school transport.

Why is it down to him to plan for something that is unworkable, unreasonable and arranged with no consultation with him, even though he is co-parenting 50/50 ?

Both OP and her BF work, ex doesn’t, so the easy solution is that ex has the kids during the week and does the three hour round trip that she arranged, and OP/BF have them every weekend - maybe pick them up from school on Fridays and possibly return them on Sunday night bathed and ready for school the next morning. At least temporarily until a proper solution can be reached. So many people her concentrating on their fathers’ new job and pay rise, which wouldn’t otherwise have been a problem as OP was willing to take them to school locally. His ex is responsible for this mess, she should be the one to sort the solution, and that doesn’t include expecting their father to accommodate a daily three hour round trip any more than expecting OP to.

Don’t be so bloody pathetic. The PARENTS of the children should be responsible for getting them to and from school.

OP is not a bad stepparent for refusing to spend 3 hours getting two children who aren’t hers to and from school.

It’s your boyfriend’s job to agree schools with his ex then sort out school transport.

Which he likely would have done, had he been consulted beforehand - or more likely refused to accommodate a non working parent pushing a three hour daily round trip onto her ex and his partner who both work. Which, when you think about it, is probably why she didn’t discuss it with him before she went ahead.

And what do they expect your 2 year old to do in this situation? Spend 3 hours every morning strapped in a car. They can get fucked, they didn't think to involve you in the school choice so sure as shit you shouldn't be involved in getting them there. Perhaps your MIL should do it if she's so adament the children attend those schools.

Seriously OP, not even if you were married is this your responsibility. Ridiculous.

Also your boyfriend needs a kick up the arse to stop his ex wife and mother bothering you about this. He shouldn't be leaving you to deal with this shit he should be nipping this thing in the bud his bloody self!

It is possible to hire taxis to take children to and from school, the drivers concerned all being checked out and properly authorised. As your partner now earns a lot more, you could look into that. It seems a reasonable solution to me. I worked for a lady who had that arrangement for her children and it worked out very well.

I agree it is unreasonable to expect you to do so much driving early every morning in term time, especially when you have a very young child and are working. You'd be worn out at the start of the day.

You are not mean to refuse, being married or not has nothing to do with it, I doubt a married person would agree to that. It is just too much.

I'm glad your partner is backing you on this issue, his mother hasn't thought it out properly. What would happen if one of the children, including yours, was ill and couldn't go to school, you could hardly leave that one on his or her own while you ferry the other(s) and are out for a long time (even a short time). Or if you were taken ill.

I hope your step--children's mother, and partner's mother, are on Mumsnet and they read all the replies on this thread.

I love how you say your boyfriend has taken your side. This shifts the responsibility off of him if he let's it be on you. It is 'his' week of childcare so he needs to arrange transport. Try and move the ex and his mom away from you.

oh no no. I have a stepson who I take to school a few times a week - that’s a 45 minute round trip and can be hard enough at times, not 3 hours!

If your DP wasn’t consulted on this then it’s on their mum and not even him - don’t let anyone guilt you into this. Yes we all want the best for our kids obviously but within reason - you can’t expect him to find a new job that possibly doesn’t pay as well just to take his kids to a school he didn’t agree to!

How old are the children?

Given the lack of any discussion beforehand, I'd say no too.

Yes they need to pay someone to do this. It's just too much to ask!

I would stand your ground. She is being ridiculous to enrol her children in a school she can't easily get to. What happens if they are ill and she is asked to collect them? She shouldn't have made the decision without checking with him and he should also have considered doing school drop offs before accepting the new job even if it does come with a raise. They are both at fault here. Even if you said yes, eventually your own child will start school and then you won't be able to do it.

No, not your responsibility. They should have thought if thus before enrolling the kids, instead if assuming you’ll pick up the baton.

Not many single parents can just choose to take a job that means they can't fulfill their parental roles. Your husband seems to think he can. Sure he has a girlfriend but that's not more relevant than thinking his best mate should give up his time to take the kids to school or a cousin. If your boyfriend wants to keep his job he needs to make sure the mother of the children is OK with having the kids full-time other than EOW and pay her well for doing all of the work. If his kids are more important than his new job then he needs to quit and take on the parental role half of the time. There really isn't more to it. He's being a dick for putting you in this situation,

Your partner should have figured out how he’d get his kids to school prior to taking a new job. Lots of parents (my self included) work in lesser paying jobs as we have to factor in our children…

With his new job, even if the school was round the corner he would not be able to do the school run. So he is being a shit dad and assuming all the women in his life will be running around dropping his kids at school, wherever the location. That would be my issue.

The ex is an idiot putting them in a school so far away and your partner shouldn't have taken a job knowing he wouldn't be able to take his children to school. None of this is your problem.

Op even if you were married is been telling you she was the unreasonable one. She chose these schools, she sorts transport!
what happens if you agreed and you split up, what would she do then? Oh yes do it herself or move her kids.

Are you serious?

Stop writing bio mom, she is just mom.

You shouldn’t be expected to do that and the mum shouldn’t have changed their schools to one so far away without discussing it with their dad.

First of all, do you work? If you do, it is a no go! Secondly, why would you take his children to their school when the gran and mother don't work? Their children, their choice. I would come up with an excuse like 'Sorry, too early for me. I usually do my yoga/run/whatever first thing in the morning.' Can't you invent a course you do before work?

He will have to because what's the alternative?

The kids will be there and they will need to go to school.

Mum won't take them on his time by the sound of it, so then what?