AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

[newmom2022]

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

‘He’ hasn’t put OP in this situation, his ex has. With no consultation. She doesn’t work, so BF getting a job that pays better isn’t unreasonable - OP was happy to do school runs locally. What needs to happen is a conversation with his ex to say they can’t accommodate this within the existing 50/50 arrangement, so she will have to have the kids during the week and OP/BF every weekend, with any CMS adjusted accordingly. The suggestion that he should ‘pay her well’ for the work involved, or give up work to look after his kids, while presumably the OP supports them all financially is ludicrous - his ex caused this, so it’s on her to sort it out. What you’re suggesting is penalising OP and BF to reward his ex for a difficult situation caused entirely by her not thinking things through. Not to mention utterly unreasonable not to have discussed it beforehand - he’s the co-parent.

you could look into that.

No please don’t look into taxis for the children it’s not your job to sort alternative arrangements - back away - you e said no, so stay out of it.

The girls mum was massively unreasonable to just enroll them in schools without discussing with their dad the decision and how it would logistically work. It should have been discussed between each parent

Could she have done this to sabotage the 50/50 contact? Since she doesnt work so can presumably do school drop off and pick up every day if you dont?

Totally unreasonable to pick schools with a 3-hour drop-off. Regardless of your DP’s shift change, this is an unrealistic expectation for anyone. It sounds like the ex unilaterally chose the schools so it’s her problem to solve.

interest that you work and your DP works but his ex doesn’t? And yet MIL is her flying monkey. Time to block.

Your boyfriend is the parent when they are with you.

And/but you probably shouldn't be calling the other women bitches.

So OP/BF end up paying out for a decision his ex - who doesn’t work - made without any discussion beforehand with their father, who is co-parenting 50/50 and works full time, as does OP. No chance. Ex made a unilateral decision and failed to think it through. It’s up to her to sort out how they get there or change the contact arrangements to accommodate it.

The old expression "No is a complete sentence" applies here, but, I'd make a small addition....

"Can you take the kids to school a 90 minute drive away?"
"Hahahhahahahhahahaha FUCK no"

Repeats as required.

Yep. This.

I'm confused @newmom2022

Are you expected to take them to school every day, even when it's bio mum's week to have the children? Or just the weeks you have the children? I'm unclear.

The answer to this will highlight just how high the CFery goes.

I am working on the assumption you agreed to care for his kids and take them to the local school during contact time to facilitate your dp starting his new job at 6am. There is no such agreement in place to between your dp and to and take them on the 3 hour round trip. Your dp needs to stand his ground with his ex and mum. Either the children go back to the local (I presume) state school or the mum sorts school run out. This is not your responsibility to accommodate the whim of the mother.

Idk the motive for this change. The mum may be incredibly entitled or she may be sabotaging contact. I imagine if this were to go to court it would not end well for her. Your dp really should be standing up to her. Can he enroll the children back in their old school? They can go to drama school in the holidays.

He has put her in that situation by taking a job that starts hours before his kids start school, regardless of where they go to school. Parents have to make adjustment to their careers in order to look after their kids. I assume she changed the schools because that is what the kids wanted and they are talented in that field, I don't think she did it just to make life more difficult. I don't think it was right to do it without consultation but the main thing is that the dad hasn't given any thought to how he could get his kids to/from school, he just assumed there would be a woman in his life who would be willing to pick up his slack.

I didn't say he shouldn't work so he can take his kids to school, just that he should have a job that allows him to take his kids to/from school if he wants to do 50/50 and not rely on his girlfriend to do it. It's just what any parent would need to do. Otherwise he will need to take a step back from parenting.

No, they’re expected to take the children to school on their contact weeks. Ex doesn’t work, so has the time to take them to school on her own contact weeks. OP/BF both work and have a 2 year old, so difficult for them. One of two things has happened here. Either ex has failed to think it through properly, or she’s deliberately not discussed it with BF because she knows it’s unreasonable.

@newmom2022 whether or not you are married to him makes no odds. They cannot choose a school/college place assuming someone else will get the kids there. Absolutely ridiculous. If there were the smallest chance they wanted you to do it, they ought to have involved you in the discussions - which you’d have said ‘no, a 3 hour round trip every day is crazy and if anyone should do it, it’s you’.

If your boyfriend's mother feels so strongly about it she can take them every morning. Bloody cheek. I can't stand people who are so keen to volunteer other people and then cry 'meany' if they don't play ball.

I just wouldn't be doing it. No-one should have to do a three-hour trip it's ridiculous and awful for the children too.

OP was happy to take the kids to school locally, so may have agreed to do this to facilitate the new job and pay rise. What we don’t know is whether he took the new job before finding out about the new schools. Either way the ex is totally out of order here - she doesn’t work, but expects two working people with a 2 year old of their own to facilitate a three hour round trip to two different schools - and with no consultation with their father even though they share custody 50/50.

Not if he had no say in the ridiculous school decision. Absolutely not. If they have joint custody, which they do, then they should have totally equal decision-making over such fundamental issues.

I am all for treating step children equally but not agreeing to a 3 hour round school trip is absolutely fair.

No way would I agree to this, your child is 2, so school will soon come round for them anyway. How on earth would they expect you to do 3 drop offs when your child starts school.

Also I wouldn't want to have my 2 year old tied to a 3 hour journey every other week.

The mum should definitely have discussed this with you and your partner if she was reliant on either of you doing drop off and pick ups.

Being married or not makes a HUGE difference.

You do a lot more for a spouse than you would for a boyfriend!

Not that I think the OP should be doing the driving though.

Hell no. Your well paid partner and his ex can get together and fund a driver service. You have your own things going on. So many men dump their childcare problems on the ex, the grandmothers, the new partner.

A poster said you should treat them as if they are your own and take them.

I think you are treating as if they are your own in that you wouldn’t be enrolling your own children in schools a 3 hour round trip away, so wouldn’t be taking them to those schools.

This isn’t a conversation you need to be having. It’s between your husband, the children’s mother and, apparently, her mother.

YANBU about the situation, but please drop the "bf". He got promoted to "partner" when you had a kid together...

Even if you were married, it wouldn't be your responsibility to take their kids to school. They made their choices regarding schools and shifts, it is their job as parents to get their kids to school, not yours.

Hell no. Your bf can sort it out, or his ex wife can. It’s not your problem. Or they can’t go.

I wouldn't do that in any shape or form for my own children, so not a chance I would do it for others.
It would be a deal breaker.
Marriage wouldn't make the slightest difference either.
NOT your children.
In fact such an entitled suggestion would make me rethink ANY accommodations you have made.
Stop being involved at all.
Funny how these guys can find jobs that are well paid but prevent them doing the parenting slog.

OP, be very very careful of become one of the legions of young women who eventually wake up to their skivvy aupair status in the lives of these men and their Ex's.

Those children have two parents.
Tell your partner that it has absolutely NOTHING whatsoever to do with you.
Keep your own income and build your career, as you and your child may well depend on it.
Keep your own family and friends close.
When you have bossy bullying inlaws via a boyfriend, relationships can quickly go off.
Step away completely from drama that has nothing to do with you.
Don't rush into marriage either with such a crew, you may be very happy to be able to pack a bag and get out if you find that the bullying gets too much.

Your boyfriend should even be getting you involved in all of these discussions with his mum and ex. He should be handling all communication. There is no “how do I handle this situation”. You made your position clear- no need to go back and forth with them.

This. Stupid decision without consulting the father of her dc.