AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

[newmom2022]

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

And what is your two year old supposed to be doing whilst you’re spending 3 hrs ferrying children to school? I’ve got a 2.5 year old no way would I be putting them through that journey twice a day. I’m amazed that you even think this is possible. It sounds like they have money so perhaps a nanny is hired to do the drop offs and pickups

That’s a very good suggestion @ChampagneLassie.

@newmom2022 Your boyfriend got a major pay-rise and now his work hours interferes with him being able to do the school run. He could use some of that payrise to hire a nanny to take the children to school. Lots of working parents already do this. He would probably rather you do it for free but tough. He just needs to suck it up and pay for it.

You’re his girlfriend and partner not his servant/housemaid.

Well, yeah, it’s clearly completely unreasonable for anyone to expect you to do this school run but it sounds like your boyfriend has the kids 50:50 (every other week) and when it’s his week, it’s HIS responsibility to sort out how his children get to school. Not yours, not his mother’s, not the kids’ mum’s. He should be making arrangements (that don’t involve you) for logistics during his time. How they get to school when they’re with their mum is nothing to do with you or him.

Your boyfriend changed jobs knowing he couldn't take them to school, what was he thinking??

They can’t have it both ways. You can’t be “only the girlfriend” when the big decisions are being made, then become “one of the parents” when the graft is happening. Either you’re in a parental role, where you’re involved in the school choices, and you’re privy to the decision making and the driving plans; or you’re the girlfriend who is not involved in the decision making, nor the day-to-day commute. Either or. They can’t make these big decisions without you in the room, if these big decisions have a huge impact on your daily life.

This.

I would never commit to 3 hours daily school run for our children.

How old are the children? Buy them a bus pass if +11 yo.

No way. You weren’t consulted on choice of school because they are not your children. You don’t need to be involved in ludicrous travel arrangements because they are not your children.

A 3 hour round trip without consulting me?? I that were our OWN child and my dh had signed them up, I still wouldn’t. ‘If it is that important you’d have asked me beforehand. It’s a big effort and I won’t be able to help.’

This. I’m a bit confused on the timeline. Which happened first—the new job or the new school?

Either XW signed the kids up to a school that your BF could never get them to, because he had a new job lined up.

or

BF took a job which interfered with his new school run commitments, and he took it without thinking things through/putting a plan in place, and assumed you would do it (in which case, he needs to hire a driver/nanny).

Surely it can only be two or three mornings in the week? I still wouldn’t do it because I personally wouldn’t want a two year old commuting that long everyday, but presumably you do only has them half the week anyway?

if he starts at 6, what time does he finish? Who picks them up everyday and why?

Did their mum even consult your DP before making this decision about schools? If not, then the practicalities of getting them to these new places lay with her alone.

If she did and DP knew and agreed then the responsibility is his. Was his entire plan for the old school run you doing it? Now that has become untenable and he needs to sort out arrangements for meeting this obligation just as he would if you didn't exist. Hire a nanny, ask his mum, change his hours etc.

The kiddies mum and the boyfriend's mum AND the boyfriend think they have found a near-ideal muggins to accommodate their whims and wishes and take on the donkey-work.

They obviously take it for granted that "that's what women do.......!"

So why can't the mum and the boyfriend's mum get off their complacent arses and take on this responsibility (which is NOT yours)?

And His Royal Lordship should stop playing Mister High-and-Mighty-Because-I-Got-A-Fat-Payrise!

I think you're being taken advantage of by a bunch of entitled freeloaders. Where's the respect in that situation?

Wtf? Just NO!

Firstly I’d be blocking his mum and ex - not your monkey not your circus. Then reading the riot act to your boyfriend that he needs to have words with his mum and ex. If between him, his mum and ex none of those three can organise school drop off then they need to hire a nanny etc.

Like everyone I have a 2 year old I’m not wasting my mornings with her driving anyone around

This all sounds potentially calculating.

Who made this desicion, to send the two children to two different schools with different start times, that would take 3 hours each morning?

Did your DP have anything to do with it at all?

I smell a rat, or, should I say, two rats. Something is not right here.

Were these schools chosen to make the life of yourself and your partner very difficult and was it malicious.

It feels like it is a distinct possibility. It does sound like something a spiteful ex might do. You were going along happily, dropping the children off at a local school. DP gets a nice raise with a shift changd and a kind girlfriend who is willing to help him attain it by supporting his timetable. Then band two new schools, three hours away. Seems suspicious.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM

Bio mum: “I didn’t think about third-degree burns when I placed the palm of my hand on the red-hot burner.

Same principle, same poor planning.
And still not your problem, @newmom2022

The Mumsnet classic "no is a complete sentence" would be the perfect reply here.

Absolutely not, even if you are married. I can’t believe they made a decision about the kids education without considering how they would get them there, and then knowing they would be relying on you to make it all happen. You’d better nip it in the bud quickly, and make sure you don’t get the blame if they decide to pull them out. The ex and your boyfriend need to sort this out between them but you can’t be responsible for implementing decisions that impact on you so much, especially when it doesn’t affect anyone else.

A 3 hour round trip every morning is ridiculous. No one has the right to command 15 hours a week of someone else's time without their consent.

Yanbu. Your bf was unreasonable to take a new shift pattern without considering the impact on the older kids if he hasn't previously objected to their being enrolled in those schools. If their mum enrolled them there without consulting their dad or getting his agreement then she was unreasonable. But it's not your problem and you should not be part of the solution

I think this will create a lot of resentment in your relationship whether you agree to do it or you don’t. Step parenting is an absolute crock in situations like this, I’m sorry OP, what a situation to have been put into, it’s very unfair.

This. Exactly this.

Also, whether married or not, such arrangements for his children are not your responsibility. Are you expected to take your own child on this 3 hour commute three days per week? And what happens when your child starts nursery. The kids shouldnt have been enrolled without a plan in place for the commute and that plan cannot involve you being TOLD what to do. They dont control you. (Ive had issues, many years ago with a boyfriend/his family/his sons family and the expectations they put on me. Keep strong. They cannot dictate what you do 6-10.30am 5 days per week (as presumably you would have to get three kids up, fed and ready)

Then she should have left the children in the school down the road!

Yanbu. Madness. Who do that. Children need to moved to a school that closer for drop off and pick up. Your 2 year old can't have 3 hours in the car each day

Nope. This school schedule is impractical and not working out. He can appeal and very easily insist that the kids be placed at regular schools nearby to make this work. Performing arts schools are a luxury not a need. I imagine he can also stop contributing to them.