AIBU for not taking my boyfriend’s kids to school?

[newmom2022]

My boyfriend, who I have a 2 year old daughter with, has 2 school age children by his ex. We switch of every other week with their mom. Well this school year, their bio mom has just enrolled them in 2 different performing arts elementary schools out of district across the city, that don’t have school busses.

My boyfriend, their dad, recently got a major pay raise to switch to another shift that starts at 6am. This is way before the kids get up for school, so logistically it is impossible for him to take them to school anymore.

As a result, their bio mom (who does not work!) and my boyfriend’s mom (who also does not work!) have turned to me and made me feel as if it is now my responsibility to take his children to school. A 3 hour round trip every morning. If we were married, yes I would do it and I would feel it’s my responsibility as their step mom. I can even see if it was right down the street, but it is a major inconvenience and frankly, until we are married, I do not feel like I have any place doing that. My boyfriend has taken my side, but his mom and ex are making an emotional argument out of it saying we need to find a way and that he should “want his kids”. AIBU for feeling like this is not my responsibility?

P.s. I don’t need any nasty comments about “that’s what you get for having kids with someone who already has kids”. I understand it’s not easy, I’m asking for honest advice about what you’d do in this situation

This!

Ridiculous request. I'm assuming you would have to take your own dc on this 3 hour trip too? Not fair on her to be stuck in the car for so long.
Their mum has created this set up, she needs to sort the logistics.

Why are you calling their mother ' bio ' ? Have they / were they adopted out at some point and have now returned to their birth mother ? and somewhere on the scene there is an adoptive mother as well ?

Otherwise it's just Mum.

One day if you were ever to marry this man, you would be step mum, right now you are his girlfriend.

It seems like his mother gets on well with the mum, so the 3 of them get sort out the school run.

Christ, I wouldn't even do a 3 hour round trip for my own kids.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get involved in this shit show.

Not your children. Not even your step children.
Not your responsibility.
Not your decision to place someone else's kids in far apart schools and nobody checked with you before doing so whether you were willing / able to help - at which point you would have said a hard NO.
Not your responsibility.

If daddy is earning such great bucks and he wants to be involved he could organise and pay for taxis to ferry his kids around, though why his wife can't do the school run is baffling.

Step away from it all, don't engage.

Mummy and granny have an almighty fucking cheek.

This is entirely on the two kids' parents to resolve between them. She shouldn't have enrolled them without having a working solution, and he shouldn't have taken a new job without discussing its impact on his parenting responsibilities.
They need to grow up and talk to each other. Not your responsibility in any way.

I wouldn’t even do this for my own kids. School is 5 mins walk away.

3 hour round trip to get them to school is madness. Their mum chose the schools so she has to arrange transport. Also their father should have had this discussion with his ex before changing his work pattern. It’s their responsibility, not yours.

YAnBU in the slightest. It’s the mums fault for signing her kids up in two different schools each of them far far away. She should have put in place a way to get her kids to those schools before signing them up!

It is not even your boyfriend’s problem to sort.

No sorry I wouldn't do this. And nor would my DP expect me to.

Nope not a chance. It makes no difference if they are your children, or your boyfriend’s kids. The 3 hours part is insanity.

Do you think that the kids Mum has done this on purpose so that they cannot live at their Dad’s house as much? Does she want you guys to say that you can now longer have them every other week? Just a thought.

My school run is 2 hours per day - 1hr am and 1hr pm. I wouldn’t recommend it to my worst enemy! It really limits my ability to find a decent job and it’s just boring and frustrating every day sat in the car! Thankfully mine is a temporary situation (2 years) and so I can suck it up.

I would turn it back on them - you are unable to sit in the car every day for 3 hours. What do they expect your two year old to do every morning?! It would be abusive for a toddler to be sat strapped in a car every morning for 3 hours. And it really limits your ability to work going forwards. And what do they plan on doing in 2/3 years time when your child needs to be dropped to a local school every morning? Nope nope nope.

I would offer a compromise: Feed the kids breakfast and pack their lunches / snacks in the morning, then drop them off at their mum's / grandmother's so she can do the commute seeing that they think it's at the kids' best interest to go to these new schools.

Yep, I agree with others. Ignore the dramatics, no one asked you beforehand, it's your DH and his ex who need to resolve this. Ex and DP mum are making this your problem, it's not. Just give a firm, 'sorry I can't help, I'm sure you'll sort something out'. Not your problem.

2 utterly absurd decisions have been made here.

1. Choosing a school a 3 hour round trip (twice) away from home without the other parents consent is utterly batshit.

1. Taking a job that starts at 6am when you have children to get to school 50% of the time is also ridiculous.

Step right away op. You have done nothing wrong. They are taking advantage of you.

The contact details will need to be changed to weekends only and your bf will need to pay more maintenance (he would anyway with a pay rise).

who picks them up? Dad?

Yeah I’d just say, I’ll take them to the nearest school (still not your responsibility) anything else is on parents. Clearly mum or grandma need to come and collect them everyday.

Soooo many questions.

Why didn't Dad know which schools his kids wanted to go to?

For performing arts they would have presumably had interviews etc - does he not speak to his children about these things? Or have any involvement with their schooling/after school projects?

Why did he take a job which didn't allow him to do drop offs without having a childcare back up?

Which school did dad think his kids were going to go to? And what was his plan for getting them there?

Nope.
No way.

Refuse to engage with any of them about it any further.
And why on earth do his ex and ex-MIL have your phone number?
Their children. Their responsibility.

Yes, well, no nasty comments, obviously.
However, I wouldn't get together with someone with children in my twenties, let alone thirty years later.
Glad I don't have to deal with this crap.
Oh, and I obviously don't have kids 😊

If this were me, it would be a firm: ‘You’re their mother, you chose their schools and you don’t work so therefore the responsibility is fully on you to get your children to school. Asking me to spend three hours a day doing this so you don’t have to is totally out of line.”

Any commitment you make regarding school runs is a horrendous obligation.

Until you start the run you have absolutely no idea what a complete dose it is.

It is amazing how quickly the people you are obliging cease to think about it at all.

Day in day out, in the car, traffic, in all weather, parking etc.

I am nearing the end of 20 years of it and I cannot wait.

I have NEVER known anyone who thought the responsibility for other children to be easy.
How are they to get home?
Your car is filled, so no playdates.
You are forever on the clock.
You will face this long road with your own children, why you would start it one minute earlier is beyond me.

You are 100% being used by a boyfriend.

Find your inner steel, because you have a really hard life ahead of you if you don't.

As for your boyfriends mother, you can take it she doesn't like or care about you or your child.
Step far away from her.

No I wouldn’t do it because I wouldn’t do it for my own kids.

Fir a shorter distance, yes I’d help out because we are a team. But that distance is unreasonable.

If he agreed to that then it’s his responsibility and he shouldn’t have taken a job if he couldn’t do it. If they enrolled them with no discussion, then mum picks them up each morning to take them or they change schools to somewhere closer.

Absolute insanity. Do not get involved. Step away completely as they will chip away at you and in a few months you’ll find yourself involved. Now is the time for boundaries.
They are clearly of the ‘give an inch…take a mile variety.’

If the mum isn’t working and can’t drive then the children shouldn’t be at separate schools such a distance away. I’m sure CMS is paid to the mum and she would be happy of any increase she would receive from his salary increase. Who in their right mind sends their children to far away schools when they can’t drive. What’s she doing when the dad who then has to go to work or OP who’s driving them to school? Very bizarre when someone isn’t working to expect the other working parent and new partner to drop off the children. She needs to learn to drive or find more suitable schools.

You know you're going to get those comments hense why you said you don't need them but frankly, it's true! I'd hate having a partner who feels they should only help my children if I was married to them and sees it as "not their problem". Also, your "my/our child" Vs "his" is very telling. You sound selfish and yes you're being unreasonable.

When you date someone with older kids you help and there isn't a reason as to why you can't other than you don't want to.