To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

I think you are due a year off, but maybe don’t burn your bridges, there’s enough threads on mumsnet about people being left out of family holidays and being offended.
The kids will grow up and it’s nice to be close to your nephews, if you end up not having kids if your own, you might be relying on them in your old age to help you. Or you might just find them lovely interesting people!

Is it usual to expect 'a bond' between uncle and 2 small children? Surely at best it's going to be a limited relationship.
Some parents, grandparents really do seem to get tunnel vision when the kids arrive.
OP you have been a saint to stick these holidays so far. All banged up together with someone else's kids sounds very tough indeed.

Oh I’m not sure how to feel about this, I can see how it’s dividing posters! On the one hand I can understand not wanting to do something you actively dislike and are dreading for the sake of pleasing others.

But part of me just finds it a bit sad that people feel this way. I’m only in my 30s but over time I’ve realised how important family and extended family is to me. I do see this attitude on mumsnet a lot, people just wanting to exist in their own small insular unit, refusing Christmas plans with extended family, days out or little breaks even when there’s no real issues. Everything is just ‘please yourself’. People go on about new mums needing ‘a village’ but that mentality seems gone.

Suck it up. It means a lot to your MIL to have her children with her (you’ll probably only really get this if you have children of your own). Book an exercise class when there or go for lots of runs/walks

I would have name changed but my in laws know my thoughts now. 😂

We are the childless couple. OH has a brother and a sister. They have 5 children between them. GP’s love nothing better than renting a big house for a week and expecting everyone to go and have fun.

At first we went for a weekend when it was closer. Thereafter I just refused. Understandably everything is child centric. They want to be up haring round at 7am and out the house for the day by 9am. Communal dinners.

Good for them. Not for me.

It is my idea of hell and we did stop going. OH hated it too. Our idea of a holiday is a very lazy morning with an afternoon outing or sun. We see them all every couple of months anyway. I can’t put myself through it either.

We know we are the odd ones out as no children. But I get 25 days of leave a year and I am with you on this.

We did say, “look we appreciate the offer but we know it’s for the children and we are not enjoying this”

I would rather clean a cesspit than have enforced family time.

Can't relate. I had nephew and niece long before I had my own kids and I loved spending time with them. It was always very treasured and looked forward time of year when I got to spend time with them.

Of course, if you don't enjoy their company it's absolutely pointless to go there and bring your negative energy with you. Just decline politely and say you have made alternative plans already.

I think you're going to have to just pull up the old adult socks and tell MIL that you won't be attending this time.

If pressed, just say there's a lot going on workwise so you can't commit to anything.

Don't be pressured by DH either, he needs to find his own backbone.

If God in heaven himself wrote the rules for you to live by and you followed them to the absolute letter and then you were making choices knowing that they were the virtuous and morally sound choices, I can guarantee someone somewhere in your family would still not be happy if you didn't do exactly what they wanted. That is the nature of people, especially families.

Just try to meet up with them more regularly for shorter stints and get your DP to explain that the longer trips are not your cup of tea. Otherwise he goes alone.

But why is spending 48 hours with family a burden? Maybe if they were awful people to be around yes of course that wouldn’t even be an option then but they sound nice. Maybe relax a bit and try and enjoy yourself, I don’t know how old MIL is but she won’t be around forever! If there’s something I’ve learnt over the last few years it’s to make some time for people close to you

I’d go along but also say that we will need some alone/adult time and then head to the spa for one of the days.

Sounds like hell on earth. Why not suggest that you go away separately with your parents in law? A nice adult only treat maybe? Would that work?

But no, definitely not unreasonable for wanting to avoid it. It's all very well people going on about family and people being in your lives for a long time, blah, blah blah, but if you don't want kids, not close to them, then why does it matter? Just avoid.

As a mother I hope to god my kids and their partners don’t feel rail roaded into costing themselves time, money and stress to appease me and my wants 😳

This sounds like absolute hell. You won't be able to get out of it without having to exchange some hard truths and hurting feelings... If you're fine with it, then be honest and be prepared to burn bridges. But if you would prefer to keep the peace, then I'm afraid you have to either suck it up for a few more years until the kids are older, lie about some sort of emergency or try to create a perfectly timed and awful cold right for this trip. It's possible, I've been walking around in winter with wet hair just to get out of a weekend with my husband's cousin and her 5 posessed demons kids. I'm not proud of it, but here we are.

Can you at least leave the dog with someone else for the weekend so you have one less thing to stress about?

This is the first year I've said to in-laws that I wasn't going on the family holiday. DH knew when it was being booked that I'd decided I couldn't face it this year but he didn't feel able to tell them, so I ended up having to tell them myself the week before. I won't lie, it was uncomfortable and I didn't feel great at the time. But knowing that I'd been honest and actually put myself first for once was worth it all.

I think it's important to be authentic and not give excuses, as otherwise you just avoid it for one year and then have to go through it all again. I think I'd be saying something along the lines of "we care about you and really value the time that we get to see you when we visit, but we can't commit to the 'big' yearly holidays anymore. It's become harder and harder with (annual leave / increasing cost when you want to save money for something / finding it a bit intense... Whatever closest reflects your situation in a gentle way). Yes, they might be upset... But if you're dreading it every time then why does your wellbeing and need slip to the back of the pile?

Well, that's just changed my opinion now. I was on the side of suck it up it's only 2 days ffs.
Why not get your own chalet/caravan and meet up for meals or a day out.
These kids are not gonna be kids for much longer and you may end up enjoying their company (in a few years ). So for the sake of good family relations..........

I just send dh off alone to his family stuff I don't fancy and I do some things alone with mine. I assume his family really want to see him and dd rather than me!

Likewise. DH always used to go as the singleton youngest of 4, and looks back fondly on it, great bonding time with his nieces and nephews, hanging out with siblings etc

YABU.

A weekend once a year is not a hardship. And if you ever have DC you may well start to appreciate such holidays. And even if not, what’s wrong with one weekend with family?

I had a similar situation for a few years too. My (absolutely lovely) MIL would book a large house in a very nice location (same one every time, it was a family tradition) and everyone was invited. My DS the grandson of course wanted to go because it was seaside, his cousins were there etc. I didn't ever enjoy this much (for slightly different reasons than the OP but same story overall) despite the generosity of the lovely house etc - and after about 5 years just said I couldn't come for work reasons. My DH went with DS (rather grumpily) for about another 5 years and then FIL ill-health put paid to it all.

I basically took the decision not to care whether MIL or any other family members were offended and did a sort of tactical psychological withdrawal. This is what you need to do too OP - not care. If your other half still wants to go, don't stand in his way, obvs.

Just going for the weekend sounds like a good compromise

I agree with this I’m afraid.
Surely, if it’s only for one weekend, you can just go? It’s only 48 hours and maybe one night????
Family matters more than this. If they are good to you, caring and supportive then just go.
Unless there is some extensive back story about how awful MIL is to you then you just go.

You say it's over Christmas, so you've a work thing booked, DP has a work thing booked, it's your mates birthday/big anniversary/mums big event/away that weekend/set aside for xmas shopping/seeing the girls/cant get those days off work/car booked mot/. I can go on.

My DH has a very close family and they often organise this sort of thing. I dreaded it for years, but I did suck it up because roles reversed I would want him to do the same for my side of the family.
I thank god I did suck it up now, we’re mid 30s now, together 12 years with children in the mix and MIL has been a god send, offering regular childcare when we need it, she even brings dinner over for us sometime ❤️
my point being, these relationships might be a burden to you now, but they might be worth nurturing in the long run.

YANBU

Just say no thank you, not up to it this year and leave it at that. MIL gets upset, she gets upset.

She is calling it a gift for you all when it is really a gift for herself with no real thought on what you two actually wanted.

You are more than allowed to say no.

This. Long-term strategy. If you have children you may need these people to look after them for you every now and then. Do the least you can get away with to remain in there. Or agree to go and then be ill over the weekend and send your DH on his own.