To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

You've gone along with this against your better judgement for FIVE years. It's time to prioritise yourselves!! Book a holiday for the two of you so there's no possibility of being pressured into going!!

Basically OP you need to stop worrying about upsetting your MIL and just say that you won't be coming because the weekend with 3 kids is too much for you. You could suggest a day out at some point as an alternative.

The trouble is you are fearful of asserting your own boundaries, but your boundaries are perfectly reasonable, so assert them!

Centre parcs has a spa and entertainment of stuff adults can do. Unless they are unpleasant people I would go for the weekend and try and enjoy it.

OP you can't say this without hurting your MIL's feelings - or probably can't. She seems invested in this and will probably be sad. She will also (correctly) guess you haven't enjoyed the previous trips and that she wasted money inviting you. That doesn't mean you're being unreasonable - of course you shouldn't go if you don't want to - but you do have to accept she will be hurt. Some conflict and disappointment is inevitable in families when individuals' interests don't align, I reckon.

There are two things I'd recommend you consider first.

1. In addition to your MIL, is there anyone else who will be disappointed by you and your DH not going? Will his sibling and nephews/ nieces care? And if any of these family bonds matter to you and DH, is it worth setting feelings aside for this limited amount of time once a year for the sake of family?
2. Is there any possibility, however remote, that you and DH will have your own DCs one day? If so, might you end up feeling isolated with that if you distance yourself from family things now? are you thinking too short-term?

Neither of these qus will necessarily change the outcome of the equation for you.If you and DH think about these and still come to the conclusion you don't want to go then it's perfectly reasonable to express that and hold the boundary (in my view).

It’s tricky because it’s a present and a family occasion/new tradition. It sounds like you probably ought to go.

I do see where you are coming from though. Center Parcs is not my idea of fun, the DH sees it as no different from any other holiday camp holiday and would avoid

Could you agree to go as day visitors only and arrange for a friend to look after your dog, or ask for a weekend just the 3 of you? You could say something like 'we've been thinking about your family tradition of the weekend away but it isn't fitting in with our family at the moment. We'd love to go away with you just the 3 of us or potentially come along for a day visit with sil/bil (providing booked destination is within an hour or two from home), however we won't be open to a whole weekend away with all the family this year. It's quite an overwhelming occasion - especially for [dogs name] and we don't have the capacity for it going forward.'
She can't dispute your situation. She can judge you for it, but it's not her right to dictate that you're going if you don't want to.

Either

Suck it up and grit your teeth. It's only a couple of days. Look forward to when know kids are grown.

Or

Go down with a mysterious bug/ dog sitter has rabies etc.

Failing that

Get DH to talk to her and find an alternative that you all like.

if that is the case then I would not want to collude with piling such a burden on the kids and would deffo stay away

It's two days and would make your MIL happy. It's not a big deal. Do you really live in such rarified air?

It's not impossible just say no
As for the children winding up your dog that's something that could easily go wrong if the dog decides it's had enough and bites.

A few people have said to announce you are ill the day before you are meant to go. Please don’t do this - it just wastes everyone’s money.

HOUSE!!!!!!

And you really think care of older people will fall to these three MALE relatives Yep im sure there will be a change in expectation of men once OP is older. 🙄 So now the siblings of the child free are having kids so their siblings will be cared for when they are old. Heard it all now

THIS! No one should be having kids just so they can become unpaid carers when they grow up

Gran chooses child centred places because of her grandchildren. Grannies are like that. If deciding whose fun should be considered most, the children win hands down, not the adults for one weekend.
My own memories of these weekends.are luminous. In photos she's smiling all the time when helping children feed ducks or build sandcastles or sail boats...As I said before, join in. You might discover your inner child. If not, you,ll still make your make your MIL happy by sharing in the family weekend.

Gran chooses the whole thing. The young, child free adult couple don’t have to be there for her to enjoy her GC.

Maybe the dog will also find his inner child while being tormented by the kids!

Just don't go. Unless you have unlimited money and free time, holidays are a zero sum game-if you do this, you will be missing out on opportunities to do something you would enjoy more.

I’m astounded at how many people think the OP should suck it up. This is our one rare and precious life. As long as she makes time to see her mil, or at least facilitate her husband seeing her freely, and maintain a reasonable relationship with the nephews, she’s under absolutely no obligation to go on holiday with them every year, to please the mil.

We are allowed to please ourselves too, by avoiding things we just don’t want to do. ‘Family is everything’ doesn’t mean ‘your needs come last’. There is a whole world of interaction between annual Christmas holiday and going no contact. Lots of ways to have a healthy family relationship without doing something you hate every year just because it makes someone else happy.

If the mil is a decent person, she’d be happy with any number of other ways to stay close that the OP is more comfortable with.

@terracottafarm Did you resolve or have you kicked the can down the road? Sending strength.

100% this.
There are always a lot of MN posters who say we should go along with what parents/in-laws want, however miserable it makes us (and often our kids) and even if it means using up our precious annual leave to do things we don't want. I do wonder whether these people are such martyrs in their own lives, or just like to push their ideal of "kindness" on to others.

"She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset..."

I think you have to somehow play on this. Think of a way! Maybe at the same time say you cannot make it, include in your letter/message/email that you would love to have a photo/video chronicle of her grandchildren and were thinking of buying MIL a photo book so that she can create an album to trace every week of their darling lives as they grow up... Obviously, you do not need to ever look at it!

Gran may be glad of an excuse to shed an annual expectation that could be getting burdensome for her? Try sounding her out.

I don't understand the dislike of Center Parcs. These places have lots of things adults can enjoy. I wouldn't mind going and would go like a shot if offered this holiday - I would not take my dog (as OP and DP both work presumably they have a dog-walker who can look after the dog whilst they are away?).
Though I am not an advocate of 'be kind' (which tends to get shoved onto women about stuff that impinges on them doing what they want/need/feel safe with) doing what one ought to keep family relationships going is no bad thing. We are not islands, but social creatures. Acting only for one's own pleasure ends up being enervating - there is no substance to your life - and ends up with loneliness.

I think your dh needs to be upfront with his mother and say that you both don't enjoy these holidays so please don't include you in them anymore.

It will upset your mil. She clearly sees this as a chance to spend quality time with her children and grandchildren. But the only other alternative is to keep going and grin and bare it. Perhaps you can offer a compromise of every other year? Maybe the years between you can take mil somewhere separately without sil family?

I loathe Center Parcs and don't go away with family at all - I promise I am not lonely and have plenty of substance to my life