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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

407 replies

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 19:52

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

OP posts:
Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 19:58

Bump

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2024 19:59

Once a year for a couple of days? I think you should suck it up for the sake of the relationships. These people will (hopefully) be in your life for decades and everyone’s circumstances and your feelings and priorities will change in multiple ways through those decades. Family’s important and should be nurtured, IMO.

murasaki · 26/08/2024 20:00

Oh I'm totally the opposite to the pp, you don't want to, so don't. Sounds like hell to me.

Turnthelightoff · 26/08/2024 20:00

Decide somewhere else you want to go and when the ‘gift’ is presented you can say oh no sorry we can’t make it, we already have Paris booked for that weekend. Then book Paris.

Kitkat1523 · 26/08/2024 20:01

If you really hate it then your DP can go by himself

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:01

Kitkat1523 · 26/08/2024 20:01

If you really hate it then your DP can go by himself

I've suggested this. But he doesn't want to...

OP posts:
LarryUnderwood · 26/08/2024 20:02

Hmmm. There isn't an easy way out unfortunately. I'd say, oh we're going to give it a miss this year, it's not really our thing. And then when pressed just continue saying versions of that - we'd rather not, it's not our thing, we love seeing you but would prefer not to do a whole weekend etc. They will be offended because there isn't a way around it. But you either suck it up or say no. Honestly I'd probably stuck it up if it's 1 weekend per year, but if you hate it then you have to bite the bullet.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:02

Turnthelightoff · 26/08/2024 20:00

Decide somewhere else you want to go and when the ‘gift’ is presented you can say oh no sorry we can’t make it, we already have Paris booked for that weekend. Then book Paris.

Unfortunately, she doesn't book it until we all agree a date. So if I say I can't do such and such date, she will work around it. It's impossible to get out of

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 26/08/2024 20:02

If your DP isn’t willing to say anything to his mum ( red flag alert) then he can go you can stay home - the dog finds it too overwhelming 😉😉

RitaIncognita · 26/08/2024 20:03

Taking the long view, I would put up with it for 2 days out of the year to keep the peace. Your choice, of course, OP.

UnnecessaryOwl · 26/08/2024 20:03

Can you just tell her not to factor you two in this year because you’d like to go away by yourselves and don’t have the annual leave/finances for two trips?

LoobyDoop2 · 26/08/2024 20:03

Five years in a row is enough for you to have done your bit. You could have another 30- if you don’t stand up for yourselves now, it’ll get harder and harder.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2024 20:04

She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

Sometimes people will get upset. And then they'll get over it. If you're polite and decline graciously, your mother-in-law's reaction is her responsibility. I think going on this trip for the last five years has earned you a pass. It doesn't seem to me that your mother-in-law even considers what you and your husband may like to do, anyway.

Hoppinggreen · 26/08/2024 20:04

It doesn't sound like a lot of fun for you and I wouldn't be going.
I would just say "no thank you" and leave it at that

LarryUnderwood · 26/08/2024 20:04

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:02

Unfortunately, she doesn't book it until we all agree a date. So if I say I can't do such and such date, she will work around it. It's impossible to get out of

Show quote history

It's impossible to get out of without telling the truth that you don't want to. But that is an option - depends on how sensitive and grudge holding they are, and whether the relationship is important enough to put up with it.

Gettingannoyednow · 26/08/2024 20:04

It must mean a lot to your MIL to have her children and grandchildren all together, even if it's just a couple of days once a year. Unless she's a truly terrible person I'd suck it up and go. Your nephews will get less annoying every year (well they'll get more able to play on their own each year, which is often the same thing).

newbeggins · 26/08/2024 20:06

You need to let MIL know asap about your own Xmas "plans" and then she won't pay for you to part of this Xmas "surprise"

outdamnedspots · 26/08/2024 20:06

HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2024 19:59

Once a year for a couple of days? I think you should suck it up for the sake of the relationships. These people will (hopefully) be in your life for decades and everyone’s circumstances and your feelings and priorities will change in multiple ways through those decades. Family’s important and should be nurtured, IMO.

This.

The kids will one day grow up into adults. I know, shocking.

I'd go, for the sake of family relationships.

LarryUnderwood · 26/08/2024 20:07

If you do bite the bullet then do it now, before she plans it and springs the Christmas 'surprise'. A quiet phone call to her to say ' look MIL we'd rather not do a weekend away next year, it's not really our cup of tea' will give her time to lick her wounds before Christmas comes round.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2024 20:07

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:02

Unfortunately, she doesn't book it until we all agree a date. So if I say I can't do such and such date, she will work around it. It's impossible to get out of

Show quote history

No, it's not impossible. You're making it impossible because you just give in to her. She can't ground you or take away your phone, so I don't understand what you're afraid of. We are allowed to say no to things we don't want to do.

wutheringkites · 26/08/2024 20:08

Do you all stay in the same house?

UnnecessaryOwl · 26/08/2024 20:09

Some of the responses to these types of things are a bit mad. ‘It’s just a few days suck it up’…

Who on earth realistically goes on holidays they don’t want to go on, with people they don’t want to go with for the benefit of other people, sacrificing precious time and finances? Even if someone else is paying it’s still going to cost a fair whack for travel, food and activities etc. There aren’t enough hours in the day for many people as it is.

Dotto · 26/08/2024 20:10

Your husband says "look, we're bowing out of the annual getaway for the foreseeable. We find it a bit much and look forward to getting together instead at X other times"

If they take offence, so be it.

Muffin101 · 26/08/2024 20:10

HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2024 19:59

Once a year for a couple of days? I think you should suck it up for the sake of the relationships. These people will (hopefully) be in your life for decades and everyone’s circumstances and your feelings and priorities will change in multiple ways through those decades. Family’s important and should be nurtured, IMO.

I agree with this, although I appreciate it probably isn’t what you want to hear.

Createausername1970 · 26/08/2024 20:11

You have two choices, I think.

Either be completely upfront and say now "if you are thinking about planning another holiday, can we just say now, up front, that we would rather not be included. It's been great, but we feel it's time to stop"

Or just go for the weekend and suck it up. Maybe take a long weekend off work and arrange to do something else nice in the vicinity, just the two of you, for the Thursday/Friday before or the Monday/Tuesday afterwards.

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