To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

I guess I'm torn - if you are thinking about kids in the future I'd suck it up and go especially as you've done most of the annoying young child years now. If not then I'd say you'd love to see your PIL on another weekend when you can actually sit down and talk.

Choose guilt over resentment.Guilt goes away over time, while resentment eventually destroys the person who feels it. Tell your DP you're not going and mean it. He can decide if he's going or if he's going to man up and tell MIL that she's out of line. And she is--who "gives" people a vacation where they must pay for travel and meals? MIL doesn't get to spend your money and your vacation days for you. Nip this in the bud or DP will expect you to kowtow to his mummy forever.

Get them to book nearer your home and agree to join them,by driving there, for the Sat or Sun only-no staying over, get someone to watch the dog.

Surely just DH goes so he can build strong relationships with his nephews and nieces.

Or you both go and go out the two of you for a seaside walk, local adventures and lunch each day to have some space and let the dog run round.

I would suck it up for the sake of a couple of days, and I don't say that lightly because I'm not keen on other people's children at all, but it's clear that not going is going to cause a tremendous amount of offence to people you basically care about.

But I would leave the dog in kennels or with a dogsitter to reduce stress on both the dog and yourselves.

Do you get together as a whole family any other time apart from these holidays? Do you ever invite everyone round to yours or do you always go to them?

I R.E.M. your last thread about dh sleeping with his nephews

Do uou want kids ?

I would say no spare holiday so go for weekend. 2 days

It is family and to have all her kids and gk under one roof is nice

Could you use the dog as the excuse? Explain that it really stressed them out last time and you don’t want to leave them so will be giving it a miss for a few years.

We used to be in your shoes almost exactly, suck it up for the sake of a couple of days a year. We did and I don't regret it now PIL are no longer up to the trips, they were so important for them. We were the ones who moved away, so it was special to them to have DH there.

Be absolutely strict about your room just being for you two, obviously. Take an hour or two to "just nip into town for something" or "go for a quick walk". If it really gets too much go to bed for an hour with a headache.

Could you book more private accommodation or would that offend?

This would have been my worst nightmare at your age! Actually, it still is, and I've reared three children to adulthood!

I would just say it's not enjoyable for you because you don't have children, and your dog just gets upset (though could you get dog minded at home if you did go again?) I don't know why anyone expects someone with no kids to go on a child-oriented break? It's not a 'break' at all!

You don't want to go so don't go. Obviously it might impact your relationship with your in laws. Either your DH grows a pair and tells his mum he doesn't want to go either, or he goes alone.

I think you're looking for a way to get out of this annual ritual without anyone's feelings being hurt, and unfortunately I don't think that's possible. Your MIL will inevitably take offence if you tell her that you don't enjoy the trips - they're obviously something that mean a lot to her as well as a significant financial sacrifice, and she will feel hurt and embarrassed that something she has understood to be a great treat for you has been seen all along as a tedious obligation.

I suppose it depends on whether you find the annual weekend so awful that it's worth causing that degree of upset? I don't mean that to sound harsh - none of this is your fault - but that's the reality. Personally I think I would continue to suck it up, while making it as bearable for myself as possible (I'd certainly try not to bring the dog, which sounds like it makes everything much more stressful), and throw myself into being a wonderful aunty for 36 hours once a year. I know how much it means to my own parents to have all their children and grandchildren together on occasions like this. I find large group holidays really stressful, and generally would prefer not to do them, but I also really value my relationsships with my siblings and their spouses, and I do genuinely enjoy spending time with my nieces and nephews, and fostering relationships between my own kids and their cousins.

Can you get in first with a suggestion of something else to do together, maybe a short holiday where you could have your own space, maybe an experience day, maybe membership of something where you could have a day out once a month? If you could break the pattern you might be able to create something which suited you better.

I would just say, sorry, we've gone along with it for years now but it's just not our thing.
It wouldn't be my thing either, spending time with spoilt kids who don't behave. I wouldn't put up with anyone winding up my dog, either. But then kids don't cross me- I've been a teacher, right? I have The Eye.
I like spending time with nephews and nieces, they're fun and I like young people, but if they'd been badly behaved, I'd have opted out. People who have kids sometimes have odd ideas about those who don't- like everyone will really love their kids no matter how they behave. Newsflash, some of us don't. And even really great kids can be more tiring than parents realise if you're just not used to having them round 24/7.

That's a good suggestion. Dog is getting older and really can't cope.....which it sounds like it can't, so it's true.

You don’t need to be with the family all day, every day. The family have breakfast together, then you take your dog for a long walk in the forest. Then book an activity that you enjoy, and go back to the lodge whilst parents and grandparents take the kids swimming. Treat yourselves to some time in the spa then meet everyone for dinner in the evening, and go for a walk to see the pretty lights. Go for a swim in the evening once the kids are in bed. Centerparcs is really expensive at Xmas and I’d jump at the chance of a free weekend there,

I loved my MIL dearly, and miss her very much though it's now years since she died.
But she didn't make stupid demands on me.....

Maybe the OP's MIL ought to ask herself if asking people with no kids to a holiday that's centred on not very well behaved kids is tactful or sensible?

I have got 2 DS and I would never ever invite my bother and his GF on a trip like this. Even I hate going to Disneyland and Center Parcs but I suck it up for the Joy of my DS. Would never dream of taking a couple without children to endure this though. Surely there are places to go where EVERYONE can enjoy themselves. You can say no OP, and do so. I love my children to bits and I can spend my time playing football, tennis, lego, go on water slides just to see how happy they are but no way I would do any of these activities if I was child free. Tell your Mil: No thank you, I rather not.

It's not for you to deal with really is it? They aren't your family.

If it was me I would suck it up tbh

But if you really can't do that then I would say that I am not going and will stay home to look after the dog and it's then up to your DH to tell his own mother that he doesn't want to spend even a weekend with his own family once a year.

If you do the communication the risk is you look like the bad guy preventing him from seeing his family. If he actually doesn't want to then he needs to own it.

They probably try to include you out of fairness. They might be pleased if you decline and they can stop bending over backwards to include you. That's how I feel about one of my in laws tbh. Have nothing in common, don't really want them along but too polite not to invite them.

I would go for the weekend not talking time off work and leave the dog with friends or family or in kennels.

I think as much as it’s frustrating it’s family and great for your DH

Why can't you have an grown up honest conversation? "No we're not doing it this year"

Yanbu

I have 2 x dcs and would hate this too! We went on holiday once with in laws and I was absolutely strong armed into it by dh and his parents as it was a big celebration for them. I had the worst time and I still can't stand some of dh family (not pils who are lovely) after the way they carried on.

I think I had a thread on here about it actually just after I got home and people were 🤯

Anyway, hopefully your in laws are less of a nightmare, but even still, I totally get why you'd be against big family holidays. I am too!

If you can’t get out of it by saying you’ve got no annual leave or you’re busy that week then if I were you I’d conveniently get a D&V bug the day before the trip.

But yabu for saying "it's impossible to get out of of". It isn't - just say no!

The MIL and the trip thing I can totally see. The dog is getting wound up etc. Why waste money on something you don’t want to go to? I think the only sad part of this is missing out slightly on your nieces/nephews growing up, if you’re only seeing them every other month. Maybe that will always be your view on it and in that case I suppose you won’t think you’ve missed out so no harm done.. but maybe in future you will end up with a baby and suddenly find that you desperately want the support/interest of your family. We have just had this with my husband’s cousin who didn’t acknowledge we’d even had a child until she was 2, then as soon as she had a baby (when ours was 2) it was like the world was to stop. I love making a fuss of people’s baby’s and making the mum feel special and I still did but sadly you don’t know how much you need the support until you’re in it.

I don’t know, I hate disagreeing with people on here but I do feel slightly sad about that, but if you don’t and won’t regret it further down the line then great! Definitely don’t go and waste time/money if it’s not where you want to be