To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

DH's relatives are pretty chilled. His SIL knows how hard work the kids are and doesn't blame us for not wanting to see the kids every other weekend. It's also not at Christmas time, she will tell us she will be booking something as an Xmas pressie then book it for the following year

Just say no thanks, we are not interested in going.

It's TWO DAYS! People are acting like they're going on a three week trip with them! Arrive at lunchtime, take the kids to the pool have dinner once they're in bed go for a walk and roast on Sunday and then f off home. MIL doesn't feel hurt, partner doesn't fall put with siblings, it's really not that big a deal.

Is your MIL lonely and this is a big treat she looks forward to - all her family together?

Yes, that was indeed us! We arrived and I told MIL we weren't sharing a room with the kids 'jokingly' and she said don't worry they are staying with me and SIL (thank god). The dog barked the entire time, the kids wound her up and we were limited to where we could and couldn't go because of the dog. We couldn't wait to get home...

When we first got our own house, we said politely to both sides of the family that we would be spending christmasses in our own home together. For many years because of DH's job we had been in short term rentals because we out of the country a lot but we always spent christmas at one or the other lots of parents. It wasn't received with cries of joy from Mil but she got over it. We made sure we visited as frequently as ever or she would come to us and we stayed calm polite and firm about it BUT it has to be a joint effort.

If neither your DH or you want to go then your DH needs to just say we are not joining this year and that is that. Why isn't he able to stand up for himself and his wife. You are both adults, start being assertive.

Could you do a bit of weaning off this? Explain you'd like to book your own place because of your dog, wanting your own space etc. Then when it comes to booking just do a night, then next year maybe it doesn't work for you after all?

LOL to the person saying you are selfish. It's not free if you're using annual leave. Time is valuable.

I don’t think this is your problem to solve. DH should do it. Can he not say to his own mother, “We really appreciate the thought but honestly a break centred around the kids isn’t a holiday for us. We love spending time with you/them but we don’t want to do it for a whole weekend. Count us out for this time but we’ll get together soon”

You absolutely shouldn’t be taking the dog if the children wind her up (that is a recipe for disaster) so if she can’t/won’t go into kennels or to a family member then you or both of you need to stay at home with her or ILs need to parent their children.

Really this is your husband’s problem. They’re his family, if you really don’t want to go then he either needs to be brave and go without you or be brave and tell his mum that neither of you are coming.

Dog aside, I do think it’s a bit miserable to not go for one weekend once a year… but then I don’t know how awful it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

If it were me, I think I'd compromise a bit, but MIL has to play ball also.

For instance, ask her to book somewhere within easy driving/train distance for you and say you will join them for a day of fun and frolics. That's it, done and dusted, and you will probably enjoy that knowing there is a "sunset clause" on it and there's no wrangling for beds.

If she insists, say that is all you can do as doggie is not well and needs you or some other bullshit.

Shows willing but not being forced into something you don't want, i.e. staying for the night/weekend/week.

You don’t have to tell your MIL anything. Your DP does. If he feels the same way about these trips then that shouldn’t be an issue.

Me and DH are child free but have never minded trips with the family (my side and his) with nieces and nephews. Although I do remember one traumatic visit to a Pontins 12 years ago that I wish I’d chosen to skip! 😂

For the sake of future relationships -

go for the shortest time possible
insist on adult appropriate sleeping options for you as a couple
don’t take the dog

Your nephews won’t be kids for that much longer and you might enjoy the relationship you have with them as they get older - shame to ruin it now.

This!

I'd be horrified if my mum was arranging an annual trip for us all and my childless brother and SIL were dreading going. I would not want that at all. It's a holiday, so everyone going should be happy to be there.

I trust my DB and SIL don't actually loathe their nephews and nieces, but it's a different kettle of fish expecting them to spend their AL and hard-earned cash going on holiday with them, especially if they don't actually want to. That's not right at all.

Said this many times before… I’m so glad i live in a different world to so many on here! One weekend with family (even in laws because shock horror they are my family now) and people are trying to dodge it! Just couldn’t imagine living that way especially after you saying MIL and SIL are nice and you get on, I wonder if you’ll be back here in a few years saying the family have no interest in your children

Just say no thanks, we don’t want to come.

The kids won’t care if you’re there or not, they’ll be too busy enjoying the activities.

Plan a kid free day/weekend with MIL instead.

My pils used to do this.

I had kids. Honestly it was the worst, I dreaded them. I did suck them up for a number of years but it was a nightmare.

I love my nephews and nieces, but not all at once stuck in a small house and with complicated dietary requirements.

Get out of it. However you can. D and V, work trip, whatever. I wish I had

I thought my kids were enjoying family time but they hated it.

Just go, but only for one night. One night a year “together as a family” is not an unreasonable MIL ask and sometimes we have to do things for family we don’t love. This is not “a holiday” - it’s turn up for a Bella Pasta lunch on Sat, take the boys on a boat Sat pm, sleep, get up at 12 have Sunday lunch and then go home.

@lovemetomybones they aren’t her nieces and nephews, they are her partners. Don’t project your brother’s disinterest in your kids onto the OP. People are allowed to not enjoy spending time with other people's kids, in the same way they are allowed to not enjoy spending time with certain adults.

2 days is a lot of time to some people and going away costs a lot of money too. Are you seriously saying you’d be forced into spending your own time and money on a holiday you don’t want to go on to please your husbands mother? Batshit.

I take it she's paying for it?

Options:
The dog is getting old and snappy and won't do well with the kids but we'd rather not leave her in kennels in the winter time.

Just as a heads up, I'm planning on surprising DP with a weekend away doing Christmas markets. We won't be able to come this year and if you could avoid inviting us / making it an issue on family WhatsApp I'd be grateful as it will spoil the surprise.

We have done this over the past 5 years, and I know if we do have children, I wouldn't put the burden on them having to spend a weekend with us and our young children.

It won’t be free though by the time annual leave has been used, fuel, drinks / food at Centre Parcs is expensive. Plus combined with nonsense about children dictating who sleeps in which room etc

If OP’s shoes then l wouldn’t go, sounds boring and annoying for her phase of life. I would be polite as possible but honest. Saying you have gone the last five years but want to do something different this year (or next year if it ends up being then).

I think I'd suck it up for the sake of family unity. So many posts on mn from people feeling left out of family events and trips, and yet here they are so keen to include you that they pay for it and don't book it until you've agreed the dates.

I understand that you're not interested in your nephews but can you really not manage it for a few days, once a year?

Could you compromise and go for fewer days? Just the weekend so you don't have to take annual leave?

I think you'll regret hurting everyone's feelings - because whatever you say will sound like 'we don't want to spend time with you' - and will probably have to eat humble pie in the future when you've got kids and want to join in, or want people to take an interest in your lives.