To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

Yes. We get a big static caravan...in Centre Parcs we got a 4 bed lodge

A couple of nights out of 365 in the whole
year to make your partners mother happy doesn’t seem like a particularly big deal. It obviously means a lot to her so unless there is some back story I would suck it up.

Float the idea of a less kid destination, a nice city centre where you can do some festive stuff altogether or whatever, then drop out of the more intense bits. Leave your dog so theyre not bothered.
I'm not delighted by kids that aren't mine but do feel my nieces and nephews, including on the IL side, are important and worth my time.

It sounds horrendous! You'll just have to be honest and tell her that the two of you don't want to come.
"Treating" someone to something they really don't like isn't kindness. They're her grandchildren not yours, and it's understandable that you're not as enthralled about spending time with kids in a kid-centric place as she is. Don't worry about upsetting her - be honest but polite, and let her enjoy the trip with the others. She isn't entitled to your time.

Oh good lord, this does change my opinion somewhat. I was thinking you all had your own space, but clearly not! I wouldn’t want to do that either. Could separate units be a compromise?

Bloody hell - all you posters saying 'suck it up', op said she dreads it.

Say no now op, or your feelings will matter not a jot to any of your in-laws forever more.

Or don't, and go on suffering. Your choice, don't think your dh is going to rescue you.

@Muffin101 most likely not, as MIL doesn't have a lot of money as it is and would cost a lot more to have our own separate space and we'd have to find the money upfront

Surely at somewhere like Center Parcs you can spend quite a lot of time not together though? Book the spa for 3 hours or just bugger off to the coffee shop whilst they're all swimming for the afternoon. Do you intend to have children? It might be worthwhile putting up with theirs one weekend a year if you want to spend time together when you have a family.

Hell no.

Just say no thanks, we’re giving it a miss this year. If she’s upset that’s fine, it won’t kill her not to get her own way.

I just feel like a miserable fanny, because I don't want to spend time with his family. He doesn't see his nephews a lot, but that's his choice not mine.

This …why do you dread it ? Seems a bit OTT!

Well you'll just have to make up an illness when the time comes

That could be your get out.

Four bedrooms means kids all in one room I guess.

You could say that you are conscious that the kids are getting older and will need to have more space, so if it's easier you are happy to bow out going forwards as it will start to get too expensive to get a place big enough to accommodate everyone.

I think an easy way to get out of it would be to ask for another present for Christmas. So your DH should say to his Mum. ‘Ooh Mum, Claire and I were thinking. Rather than the annual trip with Amy’s family and kids could you get us National Trust Membership this year? (or vouchers to a new restaurant / local attraction whatever floats your boat). We are itching to try it there and we’re fine to miss the trip.

This, do you think you and dh will have your own dc and if so, would you like family to be Interested/spend time with them?

Wow, you can't bear to spend a couple of a days a year with your nieces/nephews? Bet they're really feeling the family love from their auntie and uncle.

In a similar situation I said no politely a few times this was before ds, and then said to my mum and SIL look I'm happy for you to go we won't feel left out, but I'd rather set myself on fire than go to Butlins. I got left alone then until I had DC. My mum still tries to persuade me every now and then, with oh but DS would love it, I explained he gets lovely holidays every year, where he's more than catered for, and if she wants to go and take him we'll pay for him. .

She did once when he was 3 nearly 4 and he actually wasn't a massive fan, didn't like the mini disco and asked a couple of times If they were going to do anything like they usually do -my mum is great with him does a lot of crafts, they go to the beach, crabbing, to the woods in the thick of the muddy season etc and that's what he likes, he doesn't like arcades and discos and games with the entertainers. The year after they were planning to go again and ds actually said oh no thank you granny when she mentioned it to him.

Learn from my five, not quite six year old no thank you is enough.

Honestly, even if we suggested that, she would still get us the NT membership and still find a way to include us in the trip. We've tried to get out of it so many times. The only thing now is to say, it's not our scene so would rather skip it this year

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

Have you posted about this before @terracottafarm? I remember a v similar thread where the OP’s MIL kept booking trips and there were all sorts of plans around who was sharing a room with who (based on the kids’ preferences).

FWIW I also have in laws who just book stuff like this and after years of gritting my teeth through it all and really dreading it, I just said I couldn’t attend. No excuses or reasons, just a very polite ‘sorry I can’t do it this time’, then close it down.

I've got 3 young boys so same as your SIL and BIL and I would totally understand if you didn't fancy it every year. Especially somewhere like CPs where you're a bit trapped. Maybe you could preemptively suggest a cottage and then just turn up sat afternoon to Sunday lunchtime?

Another vote for this.

To be honest I find it quite sad to think you can’t bare to be with your nieces and nephews for two days. Before you know it they will be adults that you barely know.

Of course, you are under no obligation to nurture these relationships and if you really don’t want to go, you need to rip the plaster off and face the consequences.

Let your dh go and you have an "unavoidable work trip".

It's not a free holiday though, we still have to pay for our own food, travel expenses etc.

I cannot believe how many people think OP should be forced on a holiday she doesn't want to go on to please a MIL.

I think k it sup to your DP to tell her and if he won't then he has to go and enjoying himself. It's his mother.