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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

407 replies

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 19:52

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

OP posts:
Muffin101 · 26/08/2024 20:24

Oh it’s very hard. It doesn’t really sound there’s a middle ground to be had unfortunately. Personally I would suck it up and go. For the sake of two days a year, I’d consider that worth it to make mil happy and to spend time with family… but I’m not you and you’re not me and of course you know the dynamics better than I do. If it’s completely unbearable for you, then I suppose the only option is to be straight up (and present a united front!) and decline outright. It will cause upset though, consider that and decide if that would be worth it before making a decision as you won’t be able to take it back. Best of luck!

Probablyfinebutworried · 26/08/2024 20:24

You're being pathetic and entitled. It's one weekend per year. Just get it done. If you say anything to your MIL about it I guarantee you will sour that relationship, and as much as everyone on MN loves to have a good moan about how terrible things are with their MIL, it makes life a million times easier if you have a decent relationship.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:25

MoveOnTheCards · 26/08/2024 20:23

Have you posted about this before @terracottafarm? I remember a v similar thread where the OP’s MIL kept booking trips and there were all sorts of plans around who was sharing a room with who (based on the kids’ preferences).

FWIW I also have in laws who just book stuff like this and after years of gritting my teeth through it all and really dreading it, I just said I couldn’t attend. No excuses or reasons, just a very polite ‘sorry I can’t do it this time’, then close it down.

YES THIS IS ME! That was for the one this year. It was AWFUL.

OP posts:
UnnecessaryOwl · 26/08/2024 20:25

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

There isn’t anything wrong with OP FFS, she’s been on 5 holidays that she didn’t want to go on already and now a 6th looms!

Not everyone enjoys the same things and OP doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like you just did because you don’t agree with that.

A ‘forced holiday’ is no holiday, for anyone.

lovemetomybones · 26/08/2024 20:26

Ok I'll give you the opposite view to yours. These aren't just any children they are your nieces and nephews. By going away the whole family get an opportunity to spend a weekend together. It's a way to bond with his family.

My brother doesn't bother with his niece and nephew, I imagine because they are young. He sees them about twice a year, never once spent a full day with them, rarely remembers birthdays. So guess what the result is?! They have a limited relationship, with hardly a bond.

Don't be my brother, cherish family and don't resent time spent with them.

KimKardashiansLostEarring · 26/08/2024 20:26

Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

Thats a lot. You’re doing enough. We have 5 nieces and nephews the same age range as our kids and we certainly don’t see them every 2 months!

Forced holidays are hell, we just said ‘it’s not really our thing, but have fun!’ to our ILs.

That’s one benefit of having kids - you become more direct/clear/brave in protecting your own interests.

BrendaSmall · 26/08/2024 20:27

Have an unfortunate bout of D&V on the Friday night before you’re due to go, so not able to make it!

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 26/08/2024 20:27

If you're having to pay out for food, travel expenses etc then just say you can't afford it anymore. Or blame it on the dog, she gets too stressed in unfamiliar environments.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:27

lovemetomybones · 26/08/2024 20:26

Ok I'll give you the opposite view to yours. These aren't just any children they are your nieces and nephews. By going away the whole family get an opportunity to spend a weekend together. It's a way to bond with his family.

My brother doesn't bother with his niece and nephew, I imagine because they are young. He sees them about twice a year, never once spent a full day with them, rarely remembers birthdays. So guess what the result is?! They have a limited relationship, with hardly a bond.

Don't be my brother, cherish family and don't resent time spent with them.

We see them on every birthday, Christmas, Easter etc. it's not like we don't see them

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 26/08/2024 20:27

You are not pathetic or entitled. You don’t have to do something you don’t want to do. Say no thank you and if MIL gets upset - that’s on her. There is nothing worse than forced fun.

Hoppinggreen · 26/08/2024 20:28

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

Well she doesn't, I wouldn't and neither would some other people.
Why be grateful for something you don't want or enjoy?

Lindjam · 26/08/2024 20:28

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:16

I just feel like a miserable fanny, because I don't want to spend time with his family. He doesn't see his nephews a lot, but that's his choice not mine.

But he doesn’t want to go either!!!

HerewegoagainSS · 26/08/2024 20:29

murasaki · 26/08/2024 20:00

Oh I'm totally the opposite to the pp, you don't want to, so don't. Sounds like hell to me.

I agree with you. Child-centric places are boring as heck and stressful for the poor dog. I can think of a million other things to do with my AL thanks, and better ways to bond with family.

lovemetomybones · 26/08/2024 20:29

That's not enough to create a bond. It's really sad you don't see that.

Original poster
terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:29

BrendaSmall · 26/08/2024 20:27

Have an unfortunate bout of D&V on the Friday night before you’re due to go, so not able to make it!

I travel for work a lot last minute so might use that as an excuse... Blush

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/08/2024 20:29

I would go and see MIL and tell her that you aren't going on these trips anymore that more than a day with the DN is too much and not enjoyable.

FictionalCharacter · 26/08/2024 20:30

user47 · 26/08/2024 20:22

FFS what is wrong with you? Children annoy you, a free holiday is inconvenient. You sound like a totally selfish nightmare tbh, most people would love this and be grateful.

No they wouldn't. OP has said it's not free. Not all people want to go on holiday with kids. And MIL chooses the destination and accommodation, which aren't what OP and her husband like.
People who don't have children don't generally choose child-centric holidays.
Not many people I know would be grateful for that.

lovemetomybones · 26/08/2024 20:30

RandomMess · 26/08/2024 20:29

I would go and see MIL and tell her that you aren't going on these trips anymore that more than a day with the DN is too much and not enjoyable.

That's a horrible thing to do.

Dotto · 26/08/2024 20:31

terracottafarm · 26/08/2024 20:29

I travel for work a lot last minute so might use that as an excuse... Blush

Show quote history

You shouldn't have to make excuses though. There's absolutely nothing wrong in standing up for yourselves.

Don't pay any attention to the people who seem to be so offended that an auntie doesn't particularly care for this type of enforced "bonding" - they likely have their own issues with the happily child-free.

Edenmum2 · 26/08/2024 20:31

There's no real way out without offending I don't think, so you need to weigh up how important the relationship is to you.

Could you say you are spending Christmas with your family? Could you say the dog has anxiety and has started getting sick when travelling? Could you say you just need a break from it this year for various reasons but you will look forward to it next Christmas?

How easy going are your relatives? Will they be super offended?

Cautionsharpblade · 26/08/2024 20:32

A trip to Center Parcs with three small kids sounds like my idea of hell. Just be honest and say you don’t like being around children. It works a treat.

NotSureHowToProcess · 26/08/2024 20:33

It’s a weekend. Once a year. Get a grip.

Oldfatandfrumpy · 26/08/2024 20:33

YES THIS IS ME! That was for the one this year. It was AWFUL.

Oh god, are you the one where it was decided by MiL that your DP was going to share with the nephews because they wanted to? That was bloody ridiculous, what happened in the end?

Tbh, I'd get DP to say to his mum that after what happened this year you are bowing out of the family trip for a few years

Wasywasydoodah · 26/08/2024 20:33

I’d go over the weekend and say you don’t have enough leave to get time off. Limits your exposure while still taking part. Honestly, these people are your family… unless they’re truly bad people it’s worth the effort.

pearvines · 26/08/2024 20:33

It's not really up to you to be interested in their children, I suppose, but your DH should be. If you don't see them a lot then hopefully your husband appreciates the limited time with them, so you could just stay away. If it was my husband, I'd be encouraging him to go and maintain a relationship with his family, you can do what you want.