To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

Can't believe all the posts telling you to go. Just find a polite way of saying no. Would be my idea of hell and surely you can see nices and nephews at other times without being with them 24/7? Not everyone wants to be around kids!

It isn’t impossible! You say it’s not your thing or whatever! They literally cannot force you go.

I definitely wouldnt use any annual leave for this trip.

I'm not sure how frequently you see them, but based on this I'd consider the sat/sun.

Someone will have to be upset here. Either you OP. Or MIL who sounds overbearing.

I don't know, if it was a week I would absolutely not be going but for a weekend? I just think family is so important and more so as you get older. That's probably MIL's take on it.

I wouldn't take annual leave for it but get there late Friday night and take some nice snacks and wine for when you arrive (after kids bedtime!)

Saturday as your Xmas present if it's the adults you get on with you could book something like an afternoon tea or spa session if that's your thing for you, your SIL and MIL so that's got you away for the afternoon,

Sunday just head back after lunch for the dog/having to travel that night for work any excuse.
I have kids but am actually not a great Aunty I just don't gel well with little kids. But if you push them on the swings, play some UNO with them and read them a story then I feel like I've done my bit.

People who have/like children just don’t understand people who don’t enjoy their company.

You just need to stand firm and tell MIL that although it’s very kind of her you want an adults only holiday this year so you won’t be joining. You need to do it now or you’ll end up on this holiday every year!

Best of luck OP and it isn’t rude or ungrateful to not want a free holiday to a destination that isn’t of your choosing with a group you don’t want to holiday with! A gift is supposed to be enjoyed by the recipient!

Christ no.

You don't want to go - that isn't unreasonable, but you don't want to actually tell anyone that - that is unreasonable.

You're just going to have to carry on going then aren't you?

I’m shocked so many people are shocked by the idea of this! I don’t consider myself a huge martyr but I do things that aren’t my top choice all the time because it’s worth it to me to spend time with my “extended” (using the term but I don’t really consider my siblings and nieces and nephews that way) family. Go to slightly grotty pubs, sit in a soft play cafe, hours of travel, offer to take the kids to the park for an hour, sleep on a lumpy sofa bed at Christmas. I don’t love every minute of it but I do love the closeness we share. I don’t think we’re an unusual happy clappy family - most people I know are like this and it’s what families are all about isn’t it?!

I do take the point that not everyone has or wants this closeness with their family.

It’s 2 days. Get over it. Being part of a family sometimes includes shit you don’t want to do.

I'd say 'what families are all about' varies a lot from family to family.

We've just had a nightmare weekend with my sister's grandchildren.We were hosting them,but there's no way I'd drag myself to a holiday park to spend time with them and I honestly only know one couple who would do something like that.
Everyone else I know(including my sister)would be 'have fun,but leave me out of it'.

OP,on reflection, perhaps consider how you would feel if you suspected your SIL & BIL opted out of a family Christmas gathering because they hated having to spend the weekend with a dog in the lodge. I've never had any desire to own a dog. I'm also allergic to them although I'd never turn down the invitation described just because people brought one along. I'd take my antihistamines & accept family life is not just about me.

Why does it? Meeting up on occasions is one thing. Having to use annual leave, spend money, have your dog tormented, being told who you are sharing a room with, is another and not something one person gets to dictate.
The OP sees enough of them that their relationship isn't going to be affected by bowing out. My sister hardly saw my children, but now expects a full on relationship, because she is lonely, so I get people's points, but that isn't the OPs situation. They make enough effort.

I think one weekend a year is nothing.

I really don't like dogs, but I would have to put up with that.

She has done it for five years!

They see their nephews every couple of months.

Being a part of a family also means being able and allowed to be honest and being able to say you’re not keen on xyz this year.

MIL has gotten her way for five years. Is OP and her DH meant to continue this for years until she dies or the kids decide they don’t want to anymore.

They are also paying expenses and taking time off for this.

Surprises are typically meant to be good and happy, not an obligation for the receiver to make the giver happy.

It’s not a Christmas gathering. It’s MIL “gifting” them this holiday with herself and his sister’s family.

Honestly - I would (and have in a similar situation) just tell your DH that you won't be going, and let him work it out with his mum/family. Entirely up to him if he goes or not! I think the 'dog found it very stressful last year and don't want to put him through it again so I / we won't be coming' works perfectly.

For all the posters saying that the OP needs to just suck it up for the sake of keeping the peace and "families are about give and take,"-why?

It's interesting to me that people think that someone should just repeatedly, year after year, go along to something that they actively dread to please someone else and to "keep the peace."

She's done it for five years. At what point, is she allowed to say enough is enough and that she doesn't want to do it anymore?

And if families are about give and take-surely this also includes the MIL? Surely, the MIL can extend some understanding and grace to acknowledge that the OP and her DP have come along, five years running, giving of their time and money, and no longer wish to do so this time round?

And also-to all those falling over themselves that, gasp, not everyone wants to spend loads of time around children that are not theirs, get a fucking grip. Your lives may revolve around your kids (and that is fine) but you can't expect other people's lives to do the same.

Not everyone wants to be active aunts/uncles and that is fine. You may find it sad, but remember-the aunts/uncles had zero say in becoming aunts/uncles and thus-you have zero say in how involved they have to be in the lives of their nieces/nephews.

It's not healthy to have a dynamic in a family that forces compliance of others in the family to do something, every single year, that they actively dread doing. That's not kind or good. All you "suck it up" posters can whine that the OP is being self-indulgent all you like-but how is it any less self-indulgent of the MIL to continuously arrange these trips and foist them on her son and DIL, regardless of their wishes?

That sounds pretty self-indulgent to me.

For all the posters saying that the OP needs to just suck it up for the sake of keeping the peace and "families are about give and take,"-why?

They are probably the same posters who complain about spending Christmas with ILs and say they just want it to be "their own little family".

Absolutely @harmfulsweeties
This 'gift' is the MIL's own gift to herself.
OP, make your own family traditions from now on.
Also, OP, I would get one of those old fashioned RSVP cards that you send by post (used for weddings and events before social media) and get your husband to write NO on it.
Try to become more assertive OP so you don't become a broken record. The longer this goes on, the more you need to see that you are contributing to this arrangement,

All you "suck it up" posters can whine that the OP is being self-indulgent all you like-but how is it any less self-indulgent of the MIL to continuously arrange these trips and foist them on her son and DIL, regardless of their wishes?

Because the OP or her DH haven't made the MIL aware of their 'wishes'. It's a bit stupid to continuously whinge about something that you have complete autonomy over if you just said the words.

I suspect here that it isn't really anything to do foisting children on to unsuspecting family members, it's to do with MIL wanting all her family in one place on holiday together, it's coming from a nice place, and OP is choosing to go and shit all over it instead of just bowing out.

My personal feeling on this is it's not really up to the OP to decide, it is her DH's family and is up to him to decide if he wants to go or not.. OP is then free to decide if she wants to go with him.. the fact he still goes means he'd rather go so if OP doesn't want to go she can choose to stay at home, or just join him for the weekend, or go and do your own thing when you're there, there are so many options available to make this work I actually suspect OP has a DH problem, rather than a MIL problem.

OP pays for her own trip and Center Parcs spas are predictably expensive. It makes no sense to spend yet more money to escape a situation she doesn't even want to be in in the first place.

After five years' attendance under sufferance you're well within your rights to bow out on the pretext that this isn't really your 'thing', OP. It shouldn't be necessary to lie or find an excuse as most reasonable people will understand that a child-free couple might not find child-centred activities particularly alluring.

Family relationships are about give and take and should not be conditional upon your doing everything they want you to do. I'd tactfully suggest that next year you need the time (and funds) for something else and then set a new precedent.

Was this the last time? If it was me, I'd definitely be honest and say MIL we love you all, but this isn't our kind of holiday, the dog gets too stressed with the kids, we're using up holiday, the spending money adds up etc etc etc. Give her ALL the reasons.

The responses on this thread would have been so different if you'd have posted this in the Childfree section.

A lot of 'but for the sake of the children' wailing here.

Unless you're planning on being one of those parents too who expect everyone else to revolve around your children then you have the right to say no, we don't want to spend our free time like that.

It’s interesting to see the anger some people have for women who don’t enjoy the company of children.

she doesn't pay for her own trip..MIL pays for all the accommodation, OP and DH pay their travel and food.. they could actually make a really nice trip of it if they did their own thing during the days then all came together at night.

I suspect they don't do that because places that are centred around children don't tend to be that dog friendly and they can't leave the dog alone in the accommodation, plus it barks all the time, so that may limit their options as to where they can take it, the main problem here is that they are all on different wavelengths as to what constitutes a nice holiday.

But it's free, so that's more than likely why they still go, and why her DH still wants to go, nothing to do with hurt feelings, I bet if they had to pay for themselves they wouldn't have been agreeing to go the last 5 years!