To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

Do you think you'll want anything to do with the children once they're adults? Is it worth investing a little in the relationship while they're young, so they can have some good memories with you? Could you leave the dog with a friend/sitter if it's not the environment for him/her? While the whole thing wouldn't have appealed that much to me, even once I had a child, it's often worth investing a bit of time for the sake of family cordiality - you might start to enjoy it if you go with an open mind.

I would say sorry MiL but this type of break doesn’t work for us. The kids wind the dog up and instead of being a relaxing break, it becomes very stressful. Frankly, last time we couldn’t wait to get home. We love you all dearly but not to go away with.

For many people those closest to them are not extended family.

DH and I have a fantastic social circle who we spend time with it just doesn’t include extended family as we’ve never been close to them.

I too would suck it up for a few days a year. Maybe try and book a spa or something adults focused while you are there to give you a break. Is there anyone you trust who could take care of the dog for a few days if it doesn’t deal well with the environment?

If you are planning on having kids yourself weekends like that when you have more hands on deck to help will be a godsend, particularly when you are the ones with little kids.

why "must" people see other people's kids?

What ties? people you only even know because you happened to marry someone who is related to them?

You have to be honest. Stop trying to keep everything on an even keel.
Sadly, your DH isn't going to tell his mother, so you may have to. Even if you only see these children once every Preston Guild, if you don't want to go, just tell you MIL that it is not something you and DH wish to spend your time doing.
If she throws a hissy fit ignore it

I think it's your choice, your happiness matters also. Not sure why MIL & SIL's feelings are more important. However I think you're missing a trick with Center Parcs as we've been there before we had children and had a lovely time, the spa there is amazing, quad biking and pedalo boats are good fun. So many adult activities to enjoy. We never thought of it as a soley child centered place.

@godmum56 I didn't say they "must" see them, but it appears that this trip is important to MIL, who OP seems to like and presumably wants to have a good relationship with. If it's a rare chance to be together then I'm suggesting OP could come to a compromise rather than a flat out "no", for the sake of family relationships (which OP and her DH do seem to value). There's nothing in OP's comments to suggest that she doesn't want to build relationships with DH's family; it's just that this particular trip isn't working for them as a way to do that.

I haven't RTFT. But I'm also in the camp of sucking it up for the sake of MIL - it's clearly important to her to once a year have all her family together, particularly if she is splurging on this when she doesn't have much money. But I guess it goes to an overall point of how important family is to you and how much you are willing to invest in family dynamics.

I'm also surprised that you hate it so much - it feels like a pretty extreme reaction to me. I also think people who have a very strong 'we don't do children' position are a bit limited. In my family we all see our annual family holiday as important bonding time (and the poster who commented on the uncle not being able to have much of a bond with his young nephews is baffling - of course you can build a relationship with young children in the extended family!). The reality is that I don't love every second of it - some of the logistics etc. of young children is pretty dull and they can be annoying at times. But the great thing about being childfree is you can pick when and how much to engage with the bits that bore you.

Can't you change your mindset and lean into what you are doing rather than being so fixed that you find children boring and the whole thing unbearable? If the children/dog dynamic causes issues then don't take the dog. And make it work for you - you don't have to be glued at the hip, take a book, do some long walks etc.

Of course you don't have to do this - but you're not going to be able to find a way out without hurting feelings.

We do something similar each year and it's not my favourite thing but having our own accommodation helps. I couldn't cope if we were all in the same van.

To quote a former US First Lady "Just say 'No'!"

There’s no magic solution OP. You either have to tell some version of the truth and hope they’re not offended or suck it up. Nothing else you can do!

You need to suck it up Op. Try to work out ways to make it more appealing to you. If it's Centerparcs for EG, none of us have any qualms about the childless couples going off the the Aqua Sana Spa on their own during a child centric day and meeting back for a meal in the evening.

Bollocks to sucking it up. Just tell her you aren’t enjoying this type of trip and you don’t want her to waste her money on paying for you any more. Plus you’ll be in Barbados or etc for a fortnight this year.

I fully understand why you don't want to go.
However, family dynamics are also about give and take. As others have said it's one weekend a year. Freaking out about this makes you sound self indulgent. The benefit of not going to you versus the negative impact of insulting the whole family by refusing to go for me would swing in favour of going.
I would suck it up but I'd also try to influence MIL to book something a bit less claustrophobic where you can take yourselves off for a couple of hours each day and achieve some balance. The messaging around that conversation could be managed in a way less incendiary manner. It comes across in your post as if you just don't really like them that much. That's what they'll think if you won't go at any rate.

I think your partner needs to be the one having a quiet word with her and telling her that these large child-centred family holidays are wonderful fun for her but aren’t something that either of you find particularly relaxing or tailored to what you enjoy doing on break so you’d like her to just book them for herself, the children and their parents.

I know you don’t want to upset her but I do think her getting her way by just booking things without consultation has happened often enough now for her to have had more than enough compliance with her wishes. You’re adults - you don’t need his mum telling you what you’ll be doing for a weekend break! It’s not even as if it’s free!

Can't you do something with your family this Xmas instead? Tell MiL you have been with them for 5 years in a row. Your family will feel neglected and then spend time with your own family.

If I were you, I'd go for the overnight option, or better still your DH goes for the weekend and you stay home with the dog (claim some doggy illness). Your MIL clearly enjoys getting all the family together, and I think you should go for at least some of the time because it is important to her. The kids will soon grow up, and it will become a more adult affair.

It's not at Christmas, it's just given as a gift at Christmas. That actual break is at another time.

Could you suggest an alternative? Forest Holidays are good. More outdoorsy and low key with lots of opportunities for dog walks? Or perhaps a coastal hotel with a pool? You don't see your nephews much as it is. One day you may well decide that you do want children and then you will most probably idolise them and be in your own bubble and appreciate the gesture and having family around. You need to suck it up for now and not be so selfish.

but its not a rare chance to be together, read the Op's posts

I think that part of the problem here is the shared space. If you're introverted or can't relax around your in laws, that is tough. So I think that you need to shell out for your own accommodation or hotel room, citing the dog barking as being an issue. I think that having somewhere to retreat to is key.

I know,it would've been 'thanks,but no thanks' from me after the first trip.

Perhaps the OP's MIL could take a couple of those people instead then.