To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

And also the same ones who expect the child free to do the Christmas shifts in their workplaces every year.

I think all you need to do OP is tell DH you're not going and he can deal with it from thereon.
If he still wants to go, he can go. Or maybe he could try being honest (but not in a brutal way) and tell MIL that neither of you are going this year and not to include you in the booking. If you give her some old flannel about being busy/ill/dog not wanting to go, she'll try and find a way around it, and you'll be in the same boat next year.

I expect her feelings will be hurt, which I can see you want to avoid, but you have to weigh up what's more important to you.

To be fair it's just as interesting to see the anger some people have for those who admit they don't enjoy the company of dogs. I break out in hives if they so much as lick my hand,never mind the swollen red itchy eyes. This with the exception of assistance dogs which are invaluable to those who need them although I'd still not interact with them.

The difference being there is no sexist expectation.

I don't think this is the main thrust of the 'suck it up' comments though, it's the fact that she simply can't tolerate them for a mere 48 hours (less than!) in order that she doesn't upset the MIL, who thinks she is doing a nice thing. It's just a bit OTT.

Shes done it for five years.

Ten days over five years - the burden!

I’m in a couple of mind about this. On the one hand, you could just do the weekend.

On the other, it is a shame to dread something like this. I wonder if you would be keener to do this if it was a bit more optional? Pretty much no one looks forward to something when the organiser won’t accept a polite no.

Do your family arrange trips away or is it only your husband’s? If your family never does this sort of thing, it may be fair enough to say that you are going to duck out of this year’s trip.

Time to fake an illness the day before. You've both come down with sickness/diarrhoea and can't go. That takes care of this Christmas.

If you get on with MIL then I would suck this up for one weekend a year (actually I would also take the 1-2 days annual leave as well) - particularly if you don't often see SIL/BIL and the nephews. It obviously means a lot to her to have all the family together once a year and she's not calling shots on dates and is covering costs. If the dog can't handle it/the kids, can a friend have the dog or dog stay in kennel?
The kids won't be young forever - if you want to have any relationship with them as adults then you do have to spend some time with them as kids.

Sounds really awkward to get out of but if you really don't want to go you'll have to just tell her you don't want to go?
If you don't want to hurt her feelings just go on the sat/sun which is just one night.. can't be that bad

And?

Just because you don't see it as a burden-the OP does. Believe it or not, this thread isn't about you. It's about the OP and what she feels. Not what you feel.

It's not just ten days. It's the expense that is coming along with it. So, perhaps, the OP and her DP are having to potentially miss out on other things to be able to afford to attend these trips that they have zero say in.

At what point, is the OP allowed to bow out of this trip? Or is she to stay, trapped in attending, until the MIL says so?

It's nothing to do with Christmas.

It is a "present" given at Christmas for a later date.

OP doesn't need to fake anything, she just needs to make it clear that they don't want to do this. If she fakes D&V this time then the problem is just going to repeat itself the following year.

OP: "Am I being unreasonable to not want to go?"
Probablyfinebutworried: "Yes, I think you're being OTT, suck it up."
Harmfulsweeties: "THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!"

Huge apologies for sharing my opinion, must remember never to answer an AIBU ever again because IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

I think several posters have made this mistake, thinking it’s about spending Christmas with MIL when it is actually MIL “gifting” them this holiday as a Christmas present when clearly it is a present for MIL not for her son and OP.

I highly doubt her son and OP ever said something along the lines that they would want something like this as a present. What 24 and 22 yo would want this as a present and for five years straight.

I know she doesn't need to fake anything. But if she isn't prepared to say No, we don't want to come but thank you for the invite. then make something up to get out of it.

I don't know why she doesn't just say No if she doesn't want to go anymore🤷

I would be honest and just say it’s not really your thing. Politely decline and arrange to do something else.

I think your MIL still sees you all as her little children.
And I think you get to a certain stage in life where it becomes uncomfortable to all bunk in together any longer.

Cant you say something like …. MIL before you think about the next surprise visit, can we just talk about the accommodation side of the weekend. We are prepared to pay a top up to have our own hotel room/lodge/caravan this year because we really don’t find it appropriate or comfortable any more to be sharing so closely. And also just to say that neither of us can take any more annual leave so it will just be the weekend for us. To save money, if it’s somewhere local you choose, we could just pop along on the Saturday to be with you all….would that be ok with you ?

"No" is a complete sentence. If (when) she asks why tell her that you can't inflict this on your dog anymore. It's stressful and unfair, and you won't be joining them all this year. And keep saying no.

The real question @terracottafarm is do you think you're MIL knows you don't enjoy yourself and persists with the holidays anyway, or because you've gone for the last 5 years she fondly imagines you and her DS are having a lovely time?
If it's the first one then I'd feel no shame in saying that's it, I've done CP's to death, this year we'll be going on holiday just the two of us, we hope you'll have a great time. If it's the second and your MIL thinks you're happy to go then that's much harder, it would be sad to disillusion her but if you've reached your limits then I'd get your DH to broach it with her, or go for a day, get your own chalet, whatever gives you some head space. I think your MIL loves her DGC and it's not occurred to her for a second that their charm might be wasted on you.

I have a friend who does this every year with her four children and their families. She takes them to the beach for a week. Sometimes, one of the dil’s doesn’t join simply because she doesn’t want to and mother is disappointed but doesn’t complain or hold a grudge. Just stay home with your dog; maybe go for a day trip only then head home.

Family is important. Nephews will not always be under 8 and if you have no children and do not intend any, they will be your family in the future. A week-end once a year? Just go. Anyway, I thought Center Parcs type places had lots of sporty type things for adults. If kids wind up your dog, put her in kennels for the week-end.

Family comes with obligations. I would go.

Either she will get upset because you’re not going or you will get upset because you are. You’ll have to decide who’s happiness is more important out of the two of you.

For what it’s worth I think you’ve done more than enough going five years in a row. Could you compromise and do alternate years?

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Yes, family IS important but a child-centric holiday when you don’t have kids is no fun. I DO have kids and there have been some years when I’d rather not have been on holiday with him, tbh.

if I were you I’d start a new family tradition at Christmas - everyone at yours for an afternoon. Take the kids to see Santa or the reindeer at the garden centre or whatever it is around you that is nice for kids at Christmas.

Then just tell her - it’s really generous of her but the weekend is all about the kids and that’s fine and as it should be, but not for you. But you do really value spending that precious time all together so you’ll do (insert thing you are comfortable with) instead this year.