To not want to go on a 'surprise' forced holiday with MIL and 3 Nephews

[terracottafarm]

Every Christmas, my MIL 'surprises' us with a weekend getaway, usually to a place like Center Parcs or a similar 'kiddie' destination. The trip includes my MIL, SIL, BIL, and their three children, all under the age of 8. My DH (29) and I (27) don't have children, and we enjoy our life as it is. I don't particularly enjoy these trips, especially since they involve taking 1-2 days of holiday to spend time in a child-centric environment. We have in the past tried to get out of it with annual leave but they always say just come Saturday and Sunday instead. (ARGHHH!)

We also have a dog, and these trips can be quite stressful for us because the kids wind her up, which drives us both crazy. While they are a lovely and supportive family, the idea of spending a weekend with three young children (who, if I’m honest, can be pretty annoying) isn't something I look forward to.

We've gone along with it for the past five years, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I know my DH feels similarly, but I'm the one who really dreads it. I'm not sure how to tell my MIL that I simply don't want to go this year without hurting her feelings. Also to note, we do not see his nephews a lot, maybe once every two months as we aren't interested in children. Awful I know!

AIBU to not want to do this anymore? And how on earth do I or DH approach this with my MIL? She is borderline obsessed with her grandchildren and will get upset...

I totally get you. Going away on mass as a family when sharing accommodation is not my idea of fun.
Last time we (my side) did this was 2022 and I found it so stressful, my dc are adults, I love my family dearly but three different households under one roof was not the perfect holiday it was originally imagined.
Just be honest, make it clear you cannot go. What's the worst that can happen 😳

I have two children and yet this still sounds like hell. Sometimes I struggle to like my own children and definitely don’t like 99% of other people’s! Especially ones who can’t behave.
I’m not much help, but I really think you need to extract yourself from this. Maybe best to be direct: “We aren’t kiddy people and have decided to avoid child centric destinations for holidays as we don’t find them relaxing”

third option, she wants her own way and doesn't give the likes and dislikes of others a second thought.

Wow! Thats really harsh!
Why should the OP spend a few days of her own time over her own Christmas break doing something she clearly doesn’t want to do.
Also, children are annoying and I have my own (obviously I don’t find mine annoying but I wouldn’t want to go away with anyone else’s)

I shudder at the amount of people who spend time doing things they really don’t want to do because they don’t want to risk offending anyone. Let them be offended, they’re grown ups and will just have to manage their big feelings won’t they

I felt like I was in a form of prison or Concentration Camp whilst at Center Parcs. I had to do day trips whilst we stayed as I just felt so claustrophobic.

It sounds like hell. You have my total sympathy. I guess it's only for a few days but you probably need to just say NO.

Don't make excuses. Just say "Sorry, we won't be coming this year." I wouldn't even say because it's stressful/hellish/bad for the dog/child centric. Excuses can be beaten with reason. No can't be beaten with anything.

@godmum56 I was trying to be charitable about her MIL (a rare thing on MN I know). Some people are very child centred, their whole view is that as long as the DC are enjoying themselves then everyone else needs to suck it up- MIL may be one of them. She may think that her Son should spend more time with his Nephews and this is her way of making it happen. In my very limited experience of DC they know whose interested in them and whose not, they can see when someone's feigning interest in them and react accordingly and MIL may be making things worse, not better.

This! I’d be so upset if my son couldn’t mange one weekend a year as a family, I’m so grateful for the effort my partner made with mine

It sounds absolutely ghastly and really, you need to put a stop to it before you become so resentful that you blow up on the holiday and really cause upset. At the moment, you can still get out of it. I know, if it were me, that I'd get to a point where I would explode and say much more than was necessary.

I couldn’t think of anything worse! Six adults and three kids all in the lodge? No thanks. Tell them now before arrangements are made.

What I don't understand is why you are not able to do your own thing I.e without kids etc

Wow…just wow! No, most people would NOT love it and be grateful! I have eleven grandchildren, but I most certainly wouldn’t be organising my four offspring’s holidays every year and expect them to be “grateful”. Give your head a wobble!

Probably best to just speak for yourself, unless you’ve been appointed the spokesperson for most people and I missed the announcement.

You might be surprised to learn that for many people, choosing how to spend their precious free time as they see fit is far more important to them than the value of a ‘free trip’ to some godforsaken holiday park surrounded by other people’s children.

At 27 this would have been my idea of hell! (Tbf, I still wouldn't do it now at 44 with two kids of my own). Bless you for going along with it for 5 years. The trouble is, you've set the precedent that you DO go, so mil will probably assume there's some major issue if you decline now. However, if you frame it honestly then hopefully she'll see that you have been very supportive and family-centric all these years. You are allowed to have preferences and boundaries. I'd speak to her privately asap: tell her how anxious you are about upsetting her and explain that these trips have never really been your cup of tea. You've gone previously because you appreciate her gesture, understand how much she enjoys getting everyone together, and you've wanted to please her. But it just really isn't your cup of tea and you've decided not to go this year. It doesn't mean you'll never go again but you won't be going this year.

Exactly. I don't believe anyone in their right mind would enjoy being stuck in one static caravan, with a clutch of in-laws, and their annoying children, who insist on winding up your dog. AND you have to pay for the privilege and use up your precious annual leave.

Here's your answer. How many more Christmases is she going to have? If she's getting on in years, not many. Please don't take her to this stressfull get together and please don't leave her with someone else.

I would go, one night only overnight Saturday Sunday, arrive as late as possible on Saturday and then, oh dear, work, leave asap on Sunday. Hopefully most time there you’ll be asleep anyway.

Come on you must be able to think of an excuse. It’s Christmas, can’t you say friends or your side of the family has a really important Christmas party you have to go to? Your work is doing a Christmas event? There’s something up with the dog? It doesn’t even have to be that believable, it’s just an excuse so everyone gets what they want without any feelings being hurt. I do this with in laws all the time and it seems to work, though I’m not sure they always believe me.

good god it's not christmas!

The free holiday is a Christmas present from her MIL to them, and she arranges a date during the year they can all make and books it for all of them, all OP has to do is turn up or not turn up.

in laws always know by the way.. I told my sister in the end to stop making up last minute excuses for her ex 'D'H.. normally 'stomach ache' or 'headache', I told her if he doesn't want to come to family stuff he doesn't have to, he's a grown man so why do you make up excuses for him?? In fairness we preferred it when he didn't come anyway because he was a right prick, I just hated the fact my sis felt like she had lie for him.. ugh, in the end she used to say, "he's not coming because he's being an arse". Fair enough.

Most people would certainly not live being cooped up in a 4 bed accommodation with other people's kids who wind up their dog.
Sounds horrendous

After 5 years I wouldn't be doing this anymore sorry. This is one of those things you nip in the bud or continue to build resentment inside. And as she said the MIL will just make adjustments and push and push and push to try to make it work.

Ideally her husband needs to speak to his mother and stop this once and for all but unfortunately since he is a wimp she will have to take a stand. MIL will be upset but she will get over it, and if she's doesn't too bad. I wouldn't continue to do something I don't like for years just so she doesn't get upset.

I think you just need to rip the Band-Aid off and be honest with her and just tell her that it really isn’t your thing and you’d rather give it a miss this year and hopefully that will set a precedence for future years. I don’t see why you should suck it up and go if you really don’t want to go. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life, it’s not to be a people pleaser as it just creates resentment and you end up doing so many things that you really don’t want to do, yes, occasionally it’s necessary but not for something like this I don’t feel.

This!!!!

I think DGM wants to maintain a relationship between you and DP and his nephews as she realises they will be the only ones left to look after you when you get old.

Your choice, go or not.

🤣🤣🤣

Funny but true 😄