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Original poster

DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

344 replies

GreenMoose · 26/08/2024 12:42

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

OP posts:
Gilbertwasawuss · 26/08/2024 12:46

He doesn't like you.

I'm sorry that sounds weirdly simplistic for such a heartbreaking and huge situation... but that's the long and short of it.

He doesn't like you and doesn't want to talk to you.

If it were me, I would leave just due to being spoken like that.
It is vile language and a horrible, nasty way to communicate with the mother of your children.

Even if he didn't want to talk about it he could easily say, "could we please save this chat for the last day of our holiday as I want to decompress today".

The fact that he can't be bothered to moderate his tone/words/language, says everything.

SweetTeaCup · 26/08/2024 12:46

It sounds like he is annoyed that you don’t work and he is paying for a cleaner for 12 hours a week ( that’s a huge amount of weekly outsourced cleaning btw).
He sounds resentful.
He shouldn’t be swearing at you of course but it just sounds like he is fed up.

Doggymummar · 26/08/2024 12:48

Time for you to get back to work and some equality in the relationship I think.

AFmammaG · 26/08/2024 12:51

How is the relationship otherwise? I’ve come close to telling my DH to be quiet STFU when I have finally got some peace and a coffee. It’s almost like he leaps on the quiet and needs to fill it, when quiet is all I want 😬 maybe the difference is that I don’t actually do it but I may be guilty of an eye roll or two.

AnnaMagnani · 26/08/2024 12:52

You being a SAHM isn't working for your relationship anymore.

It's ended up that you are really interested in the house and family and he isn't interested at all.

TBH, I don't give a toss what DH gets his sister for her birthday. And if he had 2 holidays with his family and I only had one, I would totally think those holidays 'counted' and probably wouldn't do a good job of hiding my bitterness.

Ghostgirl77 · 26/08/2024 12:52

He sounds like he just doesn’t like you and has no interest in your relationship any more, sadly.

Could there be resentment on his part that he is working and paying for so many hours of cleaning/laundry whilst you have hours of free time? Is he feeling under financial pressure or struggling with work stress?

If there’s not a particular trigger/underlying factor that can be addressed then I don’t think you have much of a future together, sorry.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/08/2024 12:52

The first reply with the first line nailed it.

and it has nothing to do with there being a cleaner. nor you having taken the children away to visit family.

this is about him,

Hatty65 · 26/08/2024 12:52

He doesn't like you. He thinks that you have a very easy life compared to him and he's resentful.

I must admit the idea of having a cleaner 12 HOURS a week when you are at home is pretty bizarre. I only had one for 2 hours a week when I was working full time.

On paper your life does sound like you swan about doing little. I suspect he can't picture what you do all day and feels that the least you can do is sort out your own sister's birthday present without involving him in a discussion he couldn't give a shit about. He sounds unpleasant and at the end of his tether, but if you want to save your marriage you should maybe think about whether you are actually pulling your weight.

Resentment is a killer.

LoneHydrangea · 26/08/2024 12:52

He clearly doesn’t like you. Perhaps he resents your lifestyle. It doesn’t sound like there’s much equality in your marriage.

I hope your kids don’t see or hear the way he speaks to you. My husband and I would never speak like that to each other in a million years.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2024 12:54

He has contempt for you and that's the death of marriage. It's either because he resets and dislikes you, or he's comparing you to someone else. Both bad.

Get back to work and protect yourself and the children financially.

Putmeinsummer · 26/08/2024 12:54

12 hours!? How many wings does your mansion have?

Fimat · 26/08/2024 12:56

Of course he shouldn’t tell you to stfu, I’m not excusing that. He needs to apologise.
He does sound resentful and I’m not saying you need to be responsible for everything but I know my Dh would have no interest in what to buy my sister and if he’s trying to relax or read something etc then it would be annoying .
Maybe he’s really tired and just wants to switch off this holiday where as you see it as time to discuss projects etc
No excuse for cursing at you but maybe let him unwind a bit before you start throwing projects at him.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/08/2024 12:56

HE insisted on the cleaner as HE didn't want to share any household responsibilities.

How much does HE do with / for the children ?

cupcaske123 · 26/08/2024 12:57

OP I can understand why you asked him about your sister's present; you were trying to have a chat. However he treats you with contempt. All the eye rolling etc is really disrespectful. It's how a belligerent teenager behaves.

It's very hard to get a relationship back on track once contempt sets in.

Lampzade · 26/08/2024 12:57

Agree with othe posters. He doesn’t like you

coffeerevelsrule · 26/08/2024 12:59

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/08/2024 12:52

The first reply with the first line nailed it.

and it has nothing to do with there being a cleaner. nor you having taken the children away to visit family.

this is about him,

I mean paying for 12 hours of cleaning when there is a parent at home all the time and all kids are in school is a lot. It might be a little bit about the cleaner I feel. Also, OP doesn't say she took the children to see her family, she says she's been on holiday with her parents and sisters and doesn't count it as a holiday for some unknown reason. I assume the children did go too but it definitely sounds like holidays to me.

He shouldn't speak to the OP in that way but it's a massive responsibility being the breadwinner for 5 people and maybe that is getting to him or he's failing to see how theirs is an equal partnership.

CanYouHearThatNoise · 26/08/2024 13:00

He sounds resentful and fed-up. I can't blame him.

He works, pays for everything - including a cleaner because although you stay at home, you can't be bothered to clean, do any washing or ironing (what do you do?). You've been on 2 holidays - presumably, he paid or gave you spending money, money for new clothes? - whilst he continued to work. Now you're yapping on about doing some decorating (more expense for him) when you're all meant to be enjoying his only holiday this year.

redskydarknight · 26/08/2024 13:03

Clearly it's not great that he is snapping and telling you to stfu.

However, from his point of view, you are a SAHM with all children at school, you have a cleaner to do a huge proportion of the household work, you go on more holidays than he does, and yet you are still bothering him to ask about presents for your sister (generally the MN trope is that people should sort presents for their own side of the family) and interrrupting his sole holiday to talk about household things.

I agree with PP, you need to rebalance your relationship. Most obviously this would be by you going back to work. Alternatively you need to pick up all the remaining household grunt work, so he doesn't have to worry at all.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 26/08/2024 13:03

12 hours is a hell of a lot of cleaning!

Sounds like he doesn't respect you or like you and probably feels resentful that you're a SAHM on 3 holidays a year and he's working ft to pay for everything.

I'd put yourself in a better financial position by getting back into employment so that if this contempt grows (it's difficult to come back from this) and you split you can support yourself.

eggandchip · 26/08/2024 13:03

Sounds like he`s fed up.
I dont think i would want to be talking about home stuff on my only holiday once a year wait till you get home thats the point of going away to get a break from it all.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/08/2024 13:03

He's opted out of your relationship. I would start looking to your future security, how to be less dependent on this man.

Bournetilly · 26/08/2024 13:05

You are a SAHM with all your children in school, why do you need a cleaner for 12 hours a week? Surely you don’t need a deep clean every week and why do you not do the washing and ironing?

I can see why he is annoyed, I would be. It’s different if you have babies/ toddlers at home but you should be doing the majority of the cleaning, washing and ironing. What do you do whilst they are at school?

PaminaMozart · 26/08/2024 13:05

You absolutely need to get back to work and become financially independent.

Because I cannot see this ending well.

He has checked out, he actively resents you, and sooner or later he'll pull the plug on the marriage.

Read The Four Horsemen by John Gottman:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

The Gottman Four Horsemen

Identify Gottman Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions, eliminate them and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling

NotDonna · 26/08/2024 13:07

There could be two things going on here… 1) Maybe you don’t have interesting things to discuss? So you are focussing on your stuff, what’s on your mind. The mundane. I’d never ask DH what to get my sister. Why would he care? Regarding decorating I just tell him what I think would look good and organise it. He’s really not interested in home decor but if he strongly disagreed on a colour then I’d reconsider but I’d still organise it.
2) maybe you organise the decorating. Do all the finances; chase up issues; repairs; appliances etc. Do the lions share of the school stuff & child stuff. It’s fine to have a cleaner but are you pulling your weight in general? Maybe he wants you to do the mundane stuff; take up the slack; be autonomous and not run everything by him but just crack on and do it? Could that be it?

MSLRT · 26/08/2024 13:08

He should not speak to you like that but maybe he is not wanting to talk about decorating on holiday. Perhaps the fact that he is working full time and you are on your third holiday this year, you are a SAHM and have a cleaner for 12 hours a week irritates him. I am sure when he gets home from work the last thing he wants to think about is what to buy your sister for her birthday. I would like to hear his side of the story.