DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

What are you doing in between dropping them off and picking them up? Either get a job or clean the house yourself. 12 hours a week is ridiculous - around here that's £15 per hour, £180 a week!!

Give your head a wobble. I'd be pissed off with you too.

This is quite a short amount of time in a full day to be fair, and something most parents do in addition to all the household tasks and a part time or full time job. And that’s absolutely none of our business, whatever works for your family is fine! Realistically though, if that is something that’s bothering your husband he should tell you that directly rather than being rude and snapping at you.

You sound very entitled. You want him to do 12 hours of housework - on top of supporting a family of 5 on his sole wage?

He shouldn't be snapping at you, he should be sharing his resentment with you. But as you can't even see why your division of labour isn't fair, maybe he has, and you haven't listened? OPs always post the side of the story that makes them look good.

Unless your going to suddenly drip feed SEN, doing pickups and drop-offs don't justify staying home all day.

You should be able to get everything done in between school hours, you shouldn't need a clesner... For 12 hours at that.... Do you have crazy cleaning standards? Or are you just bad at housework, which is your 'job'?

Of course your husband should share some of the load but it should be spending time with the kids! Not cleaning and ironing .

So …other than take the kids to school and back (which plenty of people manage to do and work) what exactly do you do ?

You don’t clean, do laundry or most of the cooking ?

*Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

The 12 hours includes cleaning, washing and ironimg the clothes, cooking sometimes as well*

I think you've over egged your story situation now! 😁

This almost sounds like a troll. No self awareness at all. I'd lose all respect for someone who lived a lifestyle like this while I worked my arse off.

Probably is one. And people here still blame the man 🤣

He's probably annoyed that he's the one working while you do the minimum around the house and go on lot's of holidays.

I am 50 years old and lived one thing has happened to all of my friends of similar ages - the ones who did not have jobs when the kids were all at school and remained as SAHMs are now all divorced. All of them at the DH's instigation.

I have always wondered whether it was that they became too boring at the DH's found an OW in the workplace who was more interesting. But I think it's resentment! Why? Why should one person carry the financial burden of a household?

These women are now all struggling big time in jobs they hate as they have no recent skills.

Go back to work when your kids are at school! Everyone one should do it whether you are a SAHM or a SAHD.

He’s telling you what the problem is and he’s right. You need to do your fair share. Ok so you hate cleaning and have cleaners (so do I) but you need to do everything else and hassle him with the minutiae.

I would divorce you OP.

Everyone is jumping on the op's lifestyle, but TBF, that's up to them if they were both happy.

Op, you aren't answering what you do do all day. Are you interesting and fun, with lots of hobbies and chat?
Or are you doing nothing but talk about boring household topics?

It really would be a good idea to ensure you are financially and emotionally, as secure as possible, in case the marriage does end.

He sounds like he doesn't like you and no excuse for talking to you in that way but do you think it's maybe born of resentment as you must essentially do very little for large periods of times? The school run doesn't exactly take up hours of someone's day, so once you're home at say half 9 then you've got five hours or so free till you have to get ready to go again, and if you're not doing any cleaning and household stuff then you've essentially just got the bulk of the day to yourself. I can understand why he might find that irritating.

While I do think household tasks should be shared, if one person is home doing nothing for five hours a day five days a week and the other person is working five days a week to enable that to happen financially then it's pretty clear who should really be doing the bulk of the home stuff, regardless of gender.

This probably.
He’s also probably very stressed, tired and resentful. I would be the same.

MN at its finest 🤣

I’m now thinking this is just goady and/or bullshit. But I’ll bite. What are you doing between those things?

I agree that he’s lost respect for you and you need to sit down and talk about this. Unlike some posters, I think it’s fine that you have plenty of household help, you can afford it so why not.

But, I suspect that your husband does want you to take up more of the load so you need to talk about it. Perhaps you could find something p-t to start easing back into work.

Are they all in the same school given that they're all primary? So one pick up and drop off. Done by say 915, pick up about 3?
So what do you do?

Lol at people telling OP to LTB.

Almost a decade at home not working, 3 primary school aged DC. Currently has 3 holidays a year - sorry 1 holiday because the other 2 do not count - and a cleaner doing almost 50 hours a month of cleaning, ironing etc.

And you think OP is going to give that up because her husband swore at her.

I do think she should get a job and organise childcare (that they both pay for) to facilitate going back to work but realistically OP doesn’t seem to have any intention of re-entering the workforce.

Oh OP. This isn't going to go well.

I don’t think the OP is lazy and entitled. Presumably they have agreed that she will be at home dealing with all things childrelated and everything around school.

When I used to take the children alone on «holiday» it was my ex who had the holiday at home, chilling and looking after only himself.

Decorating a joint home might warrant a slight interest even from the superior male, in normal circumstances. My DH takes great interest in it. We chat about stuff and agree, because we both live here and share our home. He used to make 4 times my salary. Now I have a better job and I make 2/3 of what he does. You never know, I might end up out earning him, but we would still discuss things like this in a friendly way.

He doesn’t like you and is terribly rude about it. Why that is you may never know, but there’s no point wasting your one life being mocked and made to feel second class.

Agree, op sounds like a freeloader.

Honestly, it sounds like you're both a bit unreasonable here.

He's massively in the wrong for telling you to shut the fuck up, I can't imagine ever talking to DP like that.

But at the same time he's not wrong in the sentiment, the last thing I want to talk about on my only holiday this year is home improvements. Its meant to be relaxing, why bring up something stressful like decorating.

And it does sound like there's some resentment building around you not pulling your weight. You don't work, you have a cleaner, you seem to feel like your previous two holidays this year weren't holidays because you had to do some parenting in them. I think I'd start to feel slightly resentful too.

Can't see how this has anything to do with who earns what...

"He just throws a strop when I ask his opinion on something he isn't interested in"

I think you'll find he doesn't like it when the topic is not directly related to him solely.

See before we have kids, we women do like to dote on our man.
We constantly ask him how he is, what sort of a day he had, how was work today, how is your mother, what will you get for your Dad's Christmas present, what do you want for dinner, will I collect your shirt for Friday, where will we go next summer, etc etc.
All the above is directly related to solely caring for him and his welfare.

We don't notice that the 'caring' largely only flows in one direction because our woman instinct is focused on procreation and grooming the man to produce sperm and then assist in keeping offspring alive.

Role on life, and kids appear.
Suddenly the man is getting sidelined and conversations from the woman of the house are not to do with him anymore.

Therefore he's pissed off and jealous when the attention of the Carer is swivelled away from him and onto something else.

His ideal scenario is a 1950s wife who dotes upon him and keeps talk about the pesky kids and housework crap to herself.

I was all ready to leap to your defence, OP, but having read all of your posts I just can't.

Your husband is paying for everything, facilitating the cleaning being done - and paying for that - and he doesn't want to listen to you going on about irrelevant minutiae. I mean, what possessed you to ask him what he thinks you should get for your sister? Did you really need to ask that, can you not think for yourself - and if not, why should he have to do that? I read that as an example of the sort of things that you talk at him about.

He says that you 'burden' him, you should listen to that. I work full time and when I'm not working I need some quiet time for myself - my husband (now retired) knows this and doesn't endlessly witter on about stuff that doesn't matter and I'm very grateful for that.

I think that many of the posters on this thread have nailed it with their responses to you and you'll disregard them at your peril. Your relationship - from what you've posted - isn't 'pretty good', it's dire and on the brink. Your husband doesn't want to listen to you talking. That is a very serious thing.

I also agree that it's time for you to go back to work - for your own sake and for that of your marriage. Start contributing financially and have a wider range of topics and interests - for yourself, but also for your marriage if you want that to continue. The way it's going, if you don't change, then it's a question of when, not if.