DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

Was 12 hours a week a typo?

@IggityZiggity - no, 12 hours wasn’t a typo.

I'm so confused. What has the cleaner got to do with his abusive language and indifference to your questions?

YABU leave the man alone to enjoy the holiday! Redecorating conversation?? On his only holiday??? Wise up 🤦‍♀️

Yeah, is she saying that to his face? Or in front of their children?

Her language here has nothing to do with how he treats her in person. His behavior is inexcusable.

She is lazy. Pointing out she is the female equivalent of a cock lodger isn't mysoginistic.

It's the equivalent of "yeah, but....", which plenty of posters on this thread have done as well.

The OP talks about how her husband talks to her and so many posters go "yeah, but you don't/do xyz."

That's the very definition of excusing his ratty behavior. Op's efforts in home, or lack thereof, are a different topic. It has nothing to do his yelling, open contempt or his inability to deal with his issues like an adult.

Are you saying there can be a context, an excuse, or a valid reason for verbal abuse?

Im not envious at all.
I have a cleaner myself. One that I pay for out of my own wages. From my full time career that I have managed to maintain whilst raising my children. I'm rather proud of myself. I don't envy the OP at all. Disdain maybe.

Grown ups don't roll their eyes. They don't snap at their partners to stfu, or whine.

This man is clearly capable of holding down a job. He's therefore also capable of using his words, as we encourage toddlers to do.

There are a number of women here who seem to accept that grown ass men don't have either the ability or the obligation to speak to their wives civilly, to talk about what's on their minds, or to identify and express feelings in a way that doesn't alienate their spouses and cause a marital rift.

So many women here are falling over themselves explaining away verbal abuse, guessing what this strangely inarticulate gainfully employed twat really feels and really means, deep down in his hurting soul. And we wonder why we are failing to make progress as a society. There are posts here that read like the lyrics of girl group songs of the 1950s.

A wife or female partner is more than the sum of her body parts, and she is also more than the sum of her financial or other contributions to the home.

No. How did you extrapolate that?

Honestly op. It does sound a little that ye are ships
In the night. He doesn't talk to you about work and he doesn't want to hear about your issues either. Not an ideal scenario for when the kids are grown and gone. I think ye could
Benefit from counselling to maybe reconnect as a couple. It's hard to see your relationship surviving if you don't talk about any real life issues etc

perhaps he’s becoming resentful of financially supporting your lifestyle (of not working either inside or outside the home and taking multiple holidays)? The issues you raised (birthdays and decorating) he perhaps views as coming under your remit (I’m not quite sure what else you do with your time, presumably his role in the relationship is fairly clearly understood). He’s not expressing this is a healthy or respectful way, but maybe you both need some conversations around whether the current family arrangements continue to work for both of you now all of your children are in school? He really needs to communicate much better though (with more kindness).

as the saying goes, 'if you have to say it, if you have to spell it out, don't bother, don't say it'

What a saying. Trips right off the tongue.

Your cleaner does 12 hours a week? Holy heck. And you’re a sahp with the dc all at school. Crumbs.

The problem is that you've become boring to him. Boring isn't sexy. Men don't like paying for not sexy. He's full of resentment too.
Get a job and get financially secure quickly.

I'm really not surprised that your husband wants you to stop wittering on about the decorating when he's on his only holiday. To be honest, from what you've said about your lifestyle, I think it sounds as though you're totally taking the piss. How can anyone need a cleaner for 12 hours per week when they're a stay at home mum with school age children? If your children are all at school, then you should have time to clean yourself. I agree with a previous poster that your husband is probably bitter about your two previous holidays. You might have told yourself thst they weren't real holidays because you were doing holiday stuff, but I bet they seemed like holidays to your husband when he was working hard to subsidise your lifestyle while you had swanned off alway.

I look after the house admin, the boring stuff. I visit my parents and my in law. There is a fair amount of stuff to do for both of them - but more for my in laws as my sisters help with parents.

i never said I have a hard life, I know it's easier than most. I had MH issues so didn't want to return to work, but I had a decent career.

He has never asked me to go to work. The issue is his annoyance towards me, and sometimes at the kids.

OP, I think if you had put all this in your opening post, and spelled out exactly how much caring you do for your (presumably) husband's parents, the thread would have turned out very differently.

Out of interest, how much DO you do for the in-laws? Does your husband tolerate discussion of his parents, or is that a 'STFU' topic, too?

Is she saying what sorry? She is not saying anything but yeah the kids can see one of the parent works and the other don't, they might not catch on it at a young age but will eventually. I am not saying his words are right I am saying it's a bigger symptom and reflects on their relationship, but she chooses to believe the relationship is "good" apart from him talking to her like that, she clearly has no capacity for self reflection.

What if one spouse earns enough that the family doesn’t need more money to sustain its lifestyle, and the two spouses agree together that the less high earner should be an SAHP so that the children don’t have to have a nanny / to go to extended day provision / the breadwinner can make whatever work plans they need to without having to juggle their spouse’s work schedule?

it’s all well and good to say “get a job” but there isn’t a world of employers out there that are looking for people who can work 9:30 - 2:30 in term time.

I was an SAHM and have been incredibly fortunate to find a part time job that uses my skills and that I can do from home and is flexible around school and the children’s clubs. It pays the minimum wage. I don’t think DH would give a shit if I gave it up as it is totally immaterial to our family finances. I do it because I enjoy it and it allows me to buy him presents that he didn’t pay for himself, pay for my own hobbies etc. If I do something nice for myself when the kids are at school he doesn’t think I am lazy because he actually appreciates the sacrifices I have made for his career.

😂

True, getting a job might not be necessary or straightforward, but I think cutting down the 12 hours of paid cleaning a week and doing some of the household stuff herself instead of recuperating from getting the children ready for school for 6 hours a day could be a start.

I'd cut the cleaner back to 4 hours a week and start doing more housework yourself. Your DC are all at school so what do you do every day? You could go back to work part time. If my DH spoke to me like that with no respect he'd be binned off, but he would never do so. On holiday we enjoy chatting with each other.

12 hours of cleaning is insane. We line in a 9000 square foot very old house and the most I ever had was 4 hours a week. Now all the kids are in school I have no cleaner and only sporadic help in the garden.

I've never expected my dh to do housework as such as he works full time.

A cleaner for 12 hours a week !

Op what do you do during the day ?

I cannot fathom a marriage where STFU is spoken between you.
So nasty and disrespectful.
I am married decades and think this is the stuff of abusive relationships.
He neither likes, loves, nor respects you.
Time to sit down and talk about whether he actually wants to be married if basic conversation between you is so difficult.
He is also unpleasant towards your children?
Awful behaviour.
Stop tolerating this.
Get married counselling but look at returning to work as it sounds as if he has completely checked out.