DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

Get a job....

If your kids are at school all day and you’ve outsourced the cleaning what do you do with your time OP?

They’re holidays. You live a life of luxury and you can’t see it. I’m not surprised he’s resentful. I’m sorry OP but I think this one may be on you.

Harsh, but true

Exactly this

Maybe he regards the ‘mundane’ stuff as your job, since all the kids are at school and there’s a cleaner for 12 hours a week? I think I’d want you to decide on birthday presents too.

And you’ve had three holidays.

“NotDonna · Today 13:07
There could be two things going on here… 1) Maybe you don’t have interesting things to discuss? So you are focussing on your stuff, what’s on your mind. The mundane. I’d never ask DH what to get my sister. Why would he care? Regarding decorating I just tell him what I think would look good and organise it. He’s really not interested in home decor but if he strongly disagreed on a colour then I’d reconsider but I’d still organise it.
2) maybe you organise the decorating. Do all the finances; chase up issues; repairs; appliances etc. Do the lions share of the school stuff & child stuff. It’s fine to have a cleaner but are you pulling your weight in general? Maybe he wants you to do the mundane stuff; take up the slack; be autonomous and not run everything by him but just crack on and do it? Could that be it?”

This with bells on. You said you didn’t want him to “get away with” not doing any housework but, if that’s your attitude, do you not see that you’re “getting away with” not earning any money to support the family? It just sounds like you both have a fairly unhealthy attitude to each other.

Still sounds awfully like a 'holiday' to ne!

He is rude to speak to you that way, there is no excuse for that however I wouldn't be rushing to LTB, by any standards you have a pretty cushy life.

That's still a holiday. Just because you aren't lying on a beach you're still away, seeing somewhere new and enjoying something out of the ordinary.

The way he's snapped at you is horrible but claiming your first two holidays this year aren't a holiday must be pretty grating.

First off, I agree with previous posters that whatever is going on in his head, he shouldn't speak to you like that. If he's frustrated, he needs to find a way to raise it calmly and constructively - that's how relationships stay healthy.

I say this kindly, and as a SAHM myself, but if paying all the bills is his responsibility then what you refer go as the mundane stuff kind of becomes your responsibility. That doesn't mean he can ignore it completely, but the actual work of it will fall on you. It also doesn't mean that's all you are, and it's definitely not what you fell in love over. The mundane stuff is overwhelming and unavoidable when it's all on you, but do you get much time to connect about whatever shared interests and common ground brought you together before having a family shook things up?

Also, in the current climate there's a lot of pressure on a sole bread winner. Is it possible there's something else going on?

May I? Your husband is sick and tired of being the breadwinner with you not working.
I am the breadwinner in the family, my dh works part-time. He does everything in the house, plus everything to do with the children. Absolutely everything. He insists on doing it, otherwise it would be, as he put it 'ripping the arse out of things'. Men and women are not that different. I understand your husband's accumulated resentment.

If you put him back I’ll take him.

what I would give for 3 holidays a year and a cleaner for 12 hours a week let me tell you.

What do you do whilst the kids are at school?

"These were family holidays / events. I was looking after the children etc, I wasn't laying on a beach."
^
Looking after your own children? Such hardship for you.^

Sorry but sightseeing is still a holiday. Going away is a holiday it just isn’t a beach holiday.

Maybe you DH feels that redecorating is your SAHM responsibility. I can see that he might not be interested in what to get your sister for her birthday.

Nevertheless the language used is horrible. He sounds like he’s checked out / finds you annoying. That or he has something stressful on his mind and he hasn’t shared this with you (his comment about work problems indicates it could be a work problem).

Will you be picking up the brush yourself to redecorate?
If not, on his holiday (which is precious time) you gave him something else to earn the money to pay for when you get home. I'd be annoyed to be dragged back to reality too, I think.

He absolutely should not be telling you to STFU and he sounds resentful but I think acknowledging that the work split in your home (you say he's a hands on dad?) reads as uneven.

It may benefit everyone if you got yourself some paid work now the kids are at school. You buy your independence, the pressure is lessened on him as sole contributor.

And you don't need 12h of cleaning a week, even if everyone's employed FT. We had 4h a month 😂

If your relationship has any kind of future you have to reset the dynamic. It does sound to me like he's resentful that he works and you're unemployed and it doesn't sound like you have any plans to change that. It's not difficult to see why he might not be very happy with the situation as it is.

I'm not saying this excuses him speaking to you badly but I don't think you are going to change anything big about this poor relationship until you start acknowledging the actual issues.

He shouldn't speak to you like he did but I can understand his exasperation.

I could turn my house inside out and upside down, clean every corner, including the attic, and it wouldn't take 12 hours - curious as to the size of your house OP?

He's fed up and resentful and I would be too. He's financially supporting you and you appear to do little and you want to spend more by decorating. At best of course he's not interesting in decor. He's also not interested in what you buy your sister. Well yes, she's not his sister.

You need to go back to work because at this rate he'll leave and then what?

If the Op suddenly goes to work, is dh going to step up re childcare / school runs / after school activities

or are people assuming the Op will only work between 9.15-2.45 - need to allow time to get to this job

He might he fed up, like posters are saying. But the answer to that isn't to tell her to STFU. The answer is to use his Big Boy Words and discuss what happens now the children are all at school. He sounds miserable, but it won't get better with fewer words.

Well, he insisted on the cleaner because despite being a SAHM (for 9 years), she wanted him to do more cleaning. I struggle to see what she does all day with the children in school all day given she has no paid employment and gets 12 hours of paid cleaning, washing and ironing help every week. She seems to have a lot of holidays too - yes the ones with family do count - so this is her third holiday this year and it's only August. She has been married for 10 years and been a SAHM for 9 years so hasn't earned since year one of the marriage. This is seemingly her husband's only holiday so far and he's the one paying for everything. I mean it's obviously not all right what he said but I think the poor man was just trying to relax and OP was wittering on about her sister's present.

Now I know it's not a race to the bottom about how lucky OP is but I think it would take a saint to not feel resentful about being the sole provider in this set up. How is the husband's job or business going - are their young hot-shots snapping at his heels, has he been passed over for a promotion, or is his job or business on the line? There comes a time in many people's professional lives where they want to take it a bit easier, maybe work shorter hours and so on and it is difficult to do this on one salary. I wonder if she has talked to her husband about how he sees his future career going.

I'd be a bit ratty on my only holiday when my partner who was a sahm to primary dc at school with 12 hours ( 2 full days worth) cleaner paid for by me started nattering on about decorating. He shouldn't have spoken to you like that but maybe he feels it's in your job description to sort it out so he can relax on hos one and only holiday?

Well simply put he doesn’t really like or respect you anymore OP. He’s working & paying for you all and you’re not upholding your side of the deal. So you either make sure his free time is sacred or get a job yourself so that he can’t complain. Or leave but that’s extreme.
It sounds like home & children became your whole life and your DH is craving for some other type of conversations. Maybe get a hobby?