DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

The comment is unreasonable. The reason for suggested contempt is not.

This

If they have enough money and her husband is happy with his job then why should she?! If he isn't happy then he needs to express that, not tell her TO STFU

What do you do all day?

You don’t want him to get away with anything g so you got a cleaner for 12 hours a week but your kids are in school. Seriously?? Go earn some money and contribute.

Could you both do better, OP?

Could he verbalise his feelings in a better way and could you be a little less boring in conversational topics?

Sorry but I'd be hugely resentful if I was the sole earner AND had to pay a cleaner as well as pay for my wife and dc. Not a chance would this happen in my house........unless there's a massive dripfeed you're holding back on then my advice would be to get some self respect, either get off your arse and get a job, get rid of or reduce the ridiculous number of hours you have that cleaner for. Your kids are out of the house most of the day. You do not need a cleaner. You might find he likes you a little more if you're actually contributing something.

Absolute pisstake. If a man posted this there would be screams of cocklodger, get your ducks in a row and get rid !!

Because it's not just on him to work? I'd tell her to Stfu up too if decorating was being discussed on my only holiday...she needs to get a proper job.

I agree that he just doesn’t like you. If it was about the cleaner he could just say “Hey DW, I’ve been feeling weird about the cleaner, can we discuss it”.

he is full of contempt.

Part time cleaner for 12 hours a week? Do people other than royalty have full time cleaners?
Surely any holiday is a holiday regardless of who you go away with. You sound like you have a cushy lifestyle and he sounds like he’s fed up with your moaning tbh .

"I don't know where I stand".

I think you do. At least, you do now.

"I was looking after the children etc."

This is what parents do on holiday isn't it?

What do you mean “I wasn’t prepared to let him get away doing nothing”? But he doesn’t do nothing - he is the sole breadwinner so he pays for most, it not everything. If your kids are in school during the day and you have a cleaner 12 hours a week, why on earth should he then be returning from work to discuss birthday presents for your family?! And yes, holidays with kids are still holidays even when you have to look after them 24/7 because they are, after all, your children. It’s what most people do unless they travel with help.

My late OH would only have had to say that to me once and I would have been out of the door.

With what money would she be out of the door with? She doesn't work.

I think he’s hit the nail on the head here.
If you’re a Sahp with kids in school and all that cleaning help then yes, the day to day household responsibilities are very much your work and you should be seeing like that .

You’re starting to come on a little bit entitled here Op and not grateful and don’t seem to show any appreciation for the lifestyle your Dh provides.

His work is his responsibility and your work is both your problem.
I can see why he’s getting fed up with you .

He should not have said STFU. That's horrible and disrespectful.
However I can understand why he's feeling ground down- you're a SAHM, you have a cleaner coming in 12 hours a week and you've been off on 3 holidays all while he works to keep everyone. Tbf I can understand wanting a bit of peace and quiet but this was the wrong way to go about it.
When I lived in a Victorian 3 storey I had a cleaner come in 2 hours a week while i worked full time. 12 hours would have felt way excessive to be honest.
I know you say the holidays are family events but they were still holidays, you looking after your own children don't make them less of a holiday.
With the birthday present, I really don't care what DH gets his brothers and nor does he care what I get mine.
As others have said maybe its time to consider moving back into work as this doesn't seem to be working very well for you.

Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

The 12 hours includes cleaning, washing and ironimg the clothes, cooking sometimes as well

Who the hell thinks @GreenMoose is being unreasonable?

@GreenMoose your husband is a horrible person and if you don't want to leave for you then leave for your kids. They are learning this is what men can do to women and what women have to put up with. Years of this for goodness sake, why?

Poor bloke has the sole financial responsibility for five people, has paid out for three holidays, only one that he gets to go on, and you choose it to talk about redecorating? You need to seriously up your game OP.

Imo he thinks you're lazy, entitled, and boring.

Yea but a lot of us do that AND hold down a full time job. To be honest you are sounding like you are pretty entitled and unappreciative.

If this was me but with the roles reversed, I'd be pretty pissed off that I work full time with a sahm who despite this needs 12 hours per week of outsourced cleaning/household chores, has been on holiday 3 times - yes they are holidays even if you're looking after your children - and then bangs on about your sister's birthday present and bloody redecorating during his one holiday of the year!
I know it's unpopular but back in the real world, I'd have told you to stfu too if you kept going on about it!

What about the 6 or so hours a day they are at school? What do you actually do if you don't clean, wash or iron? Or even cook sometimes...

Also, are you really a sahm if all the kids are out of the house and in school. I believe that's a housewife.

Sorry but come on. You barely have enough housework and child responsibility to fill a full time working week. Do you bother him with stuff that should be your responsibility as the SAHM? He does sound like a dick in the way he talks to you but I would get pissed off fast if I worked full time to enable my partner to stay home and paid for 12 hours of cleaning and housework on top and they kept asking me to get involved in home stuff that they could deal with without me. Surely it's a division of labour thing?

By the way I think you should leave him, I don’t think you should put up with that way of talking to you. I think he has lost all respect for you and you fail to appreciate what he brings to the marriage as well.