DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

*Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

The 12 hours includes cleaning, washing and ironimg the clothes, cooking sometimes as well*

So you get your own children ready for school and pick them up? Big deal, it's what millions of parents do every single day, so the cleaner cooks, does the washing, ironing and you don't work? * *Fuck me OP, can you really not see why he's pissed off?

Oh god you’ll be shocked to know
some of us do all that and work 40 hours and week and we don’t have a cleaner either.

jesus Christ I can see why he’s fed up.

I work pt and tt. One of the conditions of me being ‘allowed’ such luxury is that I am accountable for all housework, washing, cooking, bills, dog walking, and child-related stuff. Dh can then focus solely on his job during the week. Weekends are more equal, but ultimately it comes down to me as he likes to spend the weekend unwinding and doing his hobby. I don’t resent any of it because I manage to carve out plenty of free time for me during the week.

Op I hate to say but dh wouldn’t put up with a second of you.

Christ OP your kids are at school and you have a cleaner for 12 hours a week!

Do you do lunches, gym, shopping during the school day?

If I didn’t work and my kids were all at school I wouldn’t expect my DH to do a great deal around the house.

I totally agree - this is so lazy and ungrateful, it blows my mind, I agree with you. There was only one post of the same egregiousness here on MN, in my memory. In that post, a sahm was whingeing, that her consultant husband who works away and travels every week to his hospital, and keeps her and the child in food and roof over their heads, dares to do his admin when he comes home for the week-end, instead of doing house chores, etc. to relieve her of her 'hardships'. Amazingly, posters were instructing this epitome of laziness how to 'put him straight', that he 'ought to do his admin in his hospital accommodation during the week, after so many hours in the hospital so he could dedicate his week-ends to relieving her of her hard work'. Sometimes I think that it is not the OPs who have gone mad, but the commenters too!

Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

I'm beginning to think you're taking the piss now.

Get a job. Or do the cleaning yourself.

I'd be bloody irritable in his shoes too.

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. I work 16 hours per week, I do 10 hours of school runs a week (school is 30 mins drive away), I do all the housework, laundry, cooking etc for 2 adults and 3 children, I live in a 6 bedroom 4000sq ft house and I do not have a cleaner.

If you live in a normal sized family home and have 3 children who are all at school, you have absolutely enough time to do all the housework, grunt work, school runs, buying sisters birthday presents, ironing, cooking. You even have time to get a part-time job too if that’s what you want.

The way your husband speaks to you is not acceptable. You need to address that. But I 100% agree with all the others saying that your husband is resentful of you doing very little. He likely feels unappreciated. And you need to think about what changes you can make in order to be an equal partner in the relationship.

I wouldn't put up with his shit, OP. He's showing you and your relationship a complete lack of respect. It doesn't even matter what the cause is, because instead of discussing it with you, he's consistently acting like a dick.

Working a 40 hr week doesn't mean he gets to opt out of the mundanity of life and to take it out on you. Even if you sat around eat bonbons all day, watching your stories on telly. It's still completely unacceptable. He's an adult. He has to communicate if he's unhappy with the situation.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. You're either partners or you're not. It may be he has a list of things to complain about, too. Good. Tell him to get it out and speak about it, instead of being a miserable fuck.

If that doesn't work, I'd start putting together an exit plan because life is too short to waste on someone who thinks so little of you.

An exit plan with what money though?

All these posters jumping to the poor man's defence. It can't be possible the fact he is completely incapable of voicing his own opinions beyond "shut the fuck up", is his own fault. Lucky for the powerless love you've fallen upon a group of psychics willing to tell you what you're doing wrong though.

You know what, all you saying he is resentful at paying for the cleaner etc. how about you think about how he could speak to her, using a mature tone and express his concerns, thoughts, worries. Rather than telling her to shut the fuck up. She is right not to want to do all the household stuff and he didn't want to do it so the option was to pay.

Sounds like a man who's not getting his conjugals.

He might have a point……

I too would be seriously pissed off if someone tried to engage me in discussions about the decorating while I was trying to switch off on my one holiday of the year.

Exit plan means working towards an exit. Getting a job. Savings. Benefits. Housing.

Doesn't sound like she wants a job.

He’s just saying can you organise the redecoration and family presents yourself, you would like him to be more polite. Both of you can change. Totally fixable and not marriage breaking.

Right, but would you say 'shut the fuck up' or 'can we talk about this later'? If the former, you're a vicious twat.

He doesn't have a point because he's never actually bothered to have an adult conversation about what (if anything) is bothering him. Being a dick to your partner in the hopes that they'll figure out the subtext is not acceptable.

When you're not asking him to think about things that irritate him do you two have proper conversations? What is communication usually like because it sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper talk about your marriage and your roles in it. After the holiday, of course, keep the mood light for now. Saying STFU is rude of course and he could be more respectful.

If you are living in a 1950's style marriage then maybe he's expecting an old fashioned wife who does it all and never troubles him with inconsequential 'women's concerns'. Not sure that's a healthy dynamic in 2024. Consider getting a part-time job maybe.

Let him rest his beer on your head OP and tell you to fuck off as and when. He works, why should he treat you with respect?

"Who do you think gets the kids ready and picks them up from school.

The 12 hours includes cleaning, washing and ironimg the clothes, cooking sometimes as well"

So you get your kids ready for school and take them then pick them up. What else do you do if somebody else is cleaning, washing and even doing some cooking?

It subs like he's sick and tired of carrying you and funding the cleaners so you can go away with your family and he's left working to pay for it all. Then he FINALLY gets a break and you start with questions about gifts for your family that he's paying for and going about decorating that he's going to be paying for for the house he is paying for so you can do nothing much while the cleaner that HE'S PAYING FOR takes the brunt of the load.

You sound rather entitled and like your world is very small , honestly you need to get a job and take some of the pressure off him. It's HORRIBLE being the only earner and carrying the family, but to be questioned about trivial gifts I don't care about and about yet more expense ( decorating)..... I'd be telling you stfu aswell tbh.

No, that's you projecting. If her husband has an issue with their set-up, he should speak up about it instead of treating her like shit. That's the problem here.

He should never speak to you that way BUT you need to expand your life. If all you bring to the conversation is stuff about the children - who spend most of their time at school - then he’s probably bored of listening to you. I’m sorry but you need to bring more to the party!

I get a bit annoyed that my DH is incapable of making any independent decisions and wants to discuss everything first, it's tiresome. And I'd love to be able to make decisions without his input, especially on home decor. But I would never tell him to STFU. We are both adults who can discuss things without being rude to each other.
Lots of theories here but you're not actually going to know the cause or if there's a bigger issue unless you sit down and have a calm and adult discussion.