DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

Team DH here, he works hard, is great with the kids, supports you not working, pays for a cleaner, lets you go off on extra holidays while he's working and on his only holiday you want to talk about home decorating.

I think you need some other interests so that you can talk about other things than the house and what to buy your relatives as a birthday gift. Get a job, do volunteering, do something to get you out of the rut.

Why do posters keep asking what the OP does all day?

She explained ages ago (although she would have been better off explaining it in her opening post, and avoiding AIBU, clearly). Anyway, it includes caring for her in-laws (presumably Mr STFU's parents), and her own parents. So that's three generations of people she's providing and organising unpaid care for.

But "caring" for them could mean anything from popping in to say hello to taking them to a medical appointment to bathing / dressing and cooking for them - a huge variation in terms of time and effort.

Which is indeed why I asked the OP if she might expand on this. But I think now that even if the OP does return, her response would likely be lost in the noisy churn of the river of replies that flow through AIBU-on-the-App like a storm surge.

Wow! Can't say I blame him to be honest. Living with someone so selfish and entitled while he's working and providing for the family must be hard going. Take a long hard look at yourself!

I was with you up until this:

and yet you are still bothering him to ask about presents for your sister

Since when did men paying for things mean they didn’t have to put any effort into their relationship and not even have general chit chat? She’s not a prostitute, she’s his wife for god sake.

Telling you to STFU is so contemptuous and reductive. I would be upset too OP.

But I also think there is a lot of truth to what many posters are saying...

You are boring to him and he has lost respect for you, is probably tired of your focus on the household minutiae, and doesn't see you as an equal partner in a partnership.

If you think it's not a big deal and he is usually respectful and engaged then ok, only you know better - and why you posted here.

In your shoes, I really would look to be getting back to work and getting an identity outside of your home.

He absolutely should not be speaking to you like that so don't let him get away with it.

That aside, your conversations sound dull and annoying, so I cam understand why he doesn't want to engage.

If you have a cleaner for 12 hours a week and the children are in school what exactly do you do?

@HarrytheHobbit , OP has already answered that question.

@Kirstenblest

Oh yes. She seems to do bugger all.

I rest my case.

I'm not excusing either of their behaviour. Simply pointing out, as others have, that snapping and shouting etc often comes before a breakdown.

I couldn't imagine living with such a lazy toad. One who does nothing but school runs?!

I'd swear at her too. Though I'm thinking it's got an element of fairy tale to it as its not too dissimilar to a post the other day where the situations were reversed and everyone told the poster the sahp parent should be grateful they can stay at home parent.

She's already answered this.

She does the school run and life admin.

I'd love to know what life admin takes up 6 hours a day, 5 days a week though.

@HarrytheHobbit , she looks after the 2 sets of parents too. They might be frail, or they might be sprightly 60 yr-olds who are in full-time work, or a mix of both.

It does sound like OP's world and conversation is limited to family and home.

I'll bite.

Personally, I'd love to hear his side of this.
You're a SAHM, but have a 12 hour a week cleaner, and you're on your third holiday of the year. You don't have a job because "oh, my mental health!"

He's trying to enjoy his one holiday of the year, and you're yakking about decorating (something else to spend money on), and asking him about your sisters birthday. Personally, I couldn't give a single rats arse what my DH gets his sister for her birthday.

Yes, he hasn't been very nice to you, it it doesn't sound like the relationship is on to a winner at the moment. But I think he's at least somewhat justified in his frustration.

He doesn't even like you
You wouldn't even treat a friend this way would you?
I think he resents the " easy life" you have which he is working hard to pay for( his perception)
It's not about the holidays
Was the cleaner for 12 hours pw a typo?
He's bitter
I suggest you find a FT job( if you want to stay)
IMO There is no way back from Contempt.

Not sure what you are biting

Most have said same.

Oh he is not happy with you and I don't think anyone could, you are entitled arn't you.