DH constantly snapping, telling me to STFU on holiday

[GreenMoose]

I'd like to get someone else pov.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids, all in primary school. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years, and we have a part time cleaner that comes 12 hours a week, to do a deep clean, washing and ironing. This was at his insistence as he didn't want to spend time doing housework, and wasn't prepared to let him get away with doing nothing.

For the past few years DH has become increasingly ratty with me. Lots of eye rolling, shaking head etc when I ask him something. For example, when I asked what we should get my sister for her birthday his response was, 'Why are you asking me, I don't care. What did she get me?' There are lots of examples where a simple question is met with ambivalence, he just isn't interested.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

I don't know where I stand. He is usually brilliant with the kids and very involved, but it's his lack of interest in the mundane aspect of life is starting to get very annoying. He feels I should have sole responsibility.

You're a SAHM and your husband pays someone else to spend 12 HOURS PER WEEK cleaning your house?

Sounds like your husband is a bit fed up with this whole arrangement.

He resents you or at the least has very little respect for you, which is the end of a marriage. That's probably very hard to accept but i can't see a loving husband rolling his eyes or telling his wife to stfu.

You've been away with your sisters twice but they weren't proper holidays ?

Nail on head.

Could you do something? Job ? Volunteer ?

Although STFU is a horrible phrase to use to anyone.

He shouldn’t be telling you to ‘STFU’ but I have to admit I wouldn’t be thrilled about having to discuss the decorating on holiday with someone either, particularly if that person stayed at home while the kids were at school and still wanted 12 hours of help with cleaning, and had already been on holiday twice that year but for some reason didn’t consider them ‘proper’ holidays because they were with family. I’m not a man and DP and I don’t have kids, but if I was working full time to enable him to at home all day, with kids at school, and he expected twelve hours of cleaning (from either me or a cleaner), didn’t think his two holidays counted as holidays (when I hadn’t had any) and was asking me what he should buy for his sister and wanting to go on about shit like decorating at the first opportunity I’d got to get away and relax … I would also be ‘ratty’ about it, sorry.

I’m going to assume “12 hours” was a typo and you actually meant “2”, because that would be ridiculously excessive, surely?

Either way, I agree with what other posters have said about him being resentful and fed up, and I can understand why. You need some independence.

If I were the sole breadwinner and my spouse had at least 15 hours per week at home alone, I wouldn't want to do 50% of the housework either.

Your house must be so clean!

What do you do day to day? Is it possible you don't have much direction?

Either way, your husband sounds quite nasty.

This week we are on a family holiday, it's his first holiday this year and my third - they other two holidays were family trips with my parents and sisters, so I wouldn't count them as proper hols. I want to discuss a something this week, just about redecorating our house, and was told to plz STFU, as he was his only holiday.

Honestly, this would annoy me too.

You don’t work, you barely clean, you’ve been on 3 holidays, he works hard every day so you can enjoy these luxuries and then you’re moaning about wanting to redecorate.

He is resentful and I can see why.

If this is an ongoing problem then I suggest you find a job asap as it sounds like he’s done with the relationship.

The relationship is generally pretty good. He just throws a strop when I ask his opinion on something he isn't interested in.
A lot of the time, he says I am burdening him with my problems. He says he keeps his work problems at work and I should do the same, even though I don't work.

I'm curious why the two holidays you've already had weren't proper holidays? Is there going to be a drip feed that you have a lot of caring responsibilities for a parent or something?

These were family holidays / events. I was looking after the children etc, I wasn't laying on a beach.

He doesn't like you and resents you.

Honestly...I can't say I blame him. You've not painted yourself in a very good light; cleaner twelve hours a week, two holidays already this year (and yes, family holidays are still holidays), your kids are all in school...and you're bothering him on his first holiday about redecorating the house?

And you know that, judging by your most recent post...yet you keep talking to him about 'your stuff.' I am assuming it's because you have nothing else to say tbh...in which case, that's quite sad. You need a job or some hobbies, OP.

Finally, you're not a stay at home parent when all three kids are in school. You're a stay at home wife.

They were family events / weddings that my parents wanted to go to, so the bulk of the time was spent attending these events and we had 4 days of sightseeing etc. I

Your kids are all in school, you don't work and you have a cleaner. What do you actually do with your time? No wonder he's pd off.

You're a SAHM and have a cleaner for 12 hours a week?!?!?!?!?

You're on holiday. He doesn't want to discuss DIY projects.

And men are crap at buying presents so his response to that isn't surprising either.

Perhaps your OH is a bit bored with things you say if he's snapping all the time? If the kids are all at school then why not get a job?

He clearly considers that the house and life admin ARE "your work", because he is working full time to pay for everything.

@Gilbertwasawuss nailed it with the first post.
It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and has no respect for you. I’m sorry to write that, , but this is what comes across from the information in your post.

i agree with others. I’d start looking for a job asap as a start.

64% think the OP is being unreasonable. What is wrong with people?
How can it ever be acceptable to tell your partner to STFU?

This doesn't sound like he's very happy, OP. And I'd agree that he doesn't appear to even like you anymore.

He may well be prepping to get out - or he's seen that the grass is greener. I really would look at getting some financial independence and pretty soon.

OP, it struck me that the situations and conversations you mention involve spending money.

What else do you talk about with your husband, other than the children and things that involve spending money?

Are you quite sure that his (and thus your family's) financial situation is a solid as you'd hope?

It sounds like he is resentful of the easy life you have.
To be honest I can see why he wouldn't be interested in what to buy for your sisters birthday present .
And if he has no interest in home decor sounds like he's happy to leave you to it.
Maybe you need to work / have an interest outside of the home?
Also why isn't going on holiday with your sister and parents a proper holiday?

He’s probably fed up of you sitting on your arse all day while he’s working and paying for TWELVE hours of cleaning. I would be too if I were him. And he’s probably resentful of you having 3 holidays when he only gets one. And now you’re spending this holiday coming up with more ways to spend the money HE earns. And you wonder why he’s snapping at you? Ok he could improve his communication style, but just try to see the arrangement from his side.

Time to get yourself a job.