To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work)

That's not the job you need. PT - real PT - would probably be manageable.

Are you a single parent? It's hard.

If you think you're going to snap, take MH sick leave, and spend a week getting your breath back and job hunting.

I’m not but DH doesn’t tend to be around much in the week and realistically I’m spread too thin. I’m absolutely dreading next week.

Could you afford not to go back? I worked full time (I'm assuming we are talking teaching) as a HoD and single parent and it is HARD!

How old are the children?

What adjustments has DH made on becoming a parent? How come he gets to be 'not around much' with you picking up everything?

What would getting a nanny look like compared with you giving up work including the hit to your career and pension? Even if you had to go back to full time, at least you'd be paid for the work you're doing instead of trying to do a full time job for part time pay and needing to do everything at home too.

Because he earns more @Bjorkdidit . Simple as that. We can’t survive without him. This isn’t a feminist thing it’s just pragmatic decisions.

Yes teaching @GoingMadder i don’t know how you did it

Start by stopping doing any extra hours...do you paid hours only.

Very often employers hire someone part-time, because they don't want to spend the money on a full time employee, for what they know full well is a full time workload.

If the workload cannot get done within your contracted hours, make that clear to your manager and let them deal with it.

If you are feeling you are heading for burnout do you have some annual leave you can book? you might even need to take some sick leave to try to recover and think about your next move.

Also make sure your partner is doing his fair share.

You need a different job, not no job.

@itfeelsstupid I am feeling much the same as you. I’m full time but DP earns significantly more and does really anti social hours which means a lot of the juggling falls to me. He does his fair share but there’s a couple of pinch points and it will fall to me to solve them and I just don’t know how I can. I love my job but the inflexibility is crazy. The anxiety of trying to manage it all has already started (not that it ever really goes away!).

No solution for you but I feel the same.

How old are your kids?

I've been doing 3 days a week teaching and increasing to 4 days next week. I have 3 kids but all at school now, and use my day off to do the bulk of the planning and marking.

The rest gets done at the weekend and either my DH takes them out for half a day or I go to the library to work!

It's just finding a schedule that works with teaching.

This year I'm planning on putting the kids into after school club until 6pm one day so I have more time after school to work.

I knew it would be teaching when you mentioned all the extra hours. So many people leave teaching once they have kids in my experience.

Id take it as a good time to get out of teaching and find something more fmaiky friendly (hybrid/flexitime/able to take time off for school plays etc) before they start school.

If you can afford it then definitely take the break. It's so hard when kids don't sleep and teaching requires you to be consciously present (as does nursing and other similar performing type jobs) in a way sitting typing emails and looking at spreadsheets doesn't.

I wish I'd planned my escape from teaching earlier. If you can afford it I'd completely take the break and use it to think what else you'd like to do next. They're also not short of teachers if you want to go back into teaching...

Sorry, this isn't possible for teachers!! They do not really have set hours like many other jobs!

Why is it taking hours to settle the children? Is there anything that can be done to improve this? Where is their dad at this point?

With regards teaching you need to push back on doing any extra. When my kids were younger if a meeting was supposed to end at 4pm and ran over I got up and left. I didn't volunteer for anything extra. I worked though break and lunchtime.

What age do you teach? You need to do what has to be done in the time available. Draw a line under working hours. Could you do better with more time? Of course but you're not in that situation.

I also immediately thought it must be teaching. I did it & it is really tough. The good thing about teaching when DCs are young is the school holidays. Most other jobs just don't have that possibility, so childcare during school holidays becomes difficult to organise &/or expensive.

If the workload cannot get done within your contracted hours, make that clear to your manager and let them deal with it.

Unfortunately the way teaching works, you’re still expected to get all the job done and meet the teaching standards, so if you don’t get your planning/marking/assessment etc done, you’ll find yourself on a very unsupportive support plan.

All of the above is solvable. It is this SN? You are only working 3 days. Why are you doing extra hours. Just stop. Talk to your manager.

How old are dc. Why is it taking hours to settle them? They should be bathed, bed, a quick 5 minute story, and then asleep. Ideally. No waking up in the night.

Its not that 'you' can't cope, your family can't cope. They are his kids too and he doesn't get to sail off while you make the sacrifices. Amazing how it's always the man's job that just can't be changed... I'm speaking from experience here and a lot of frustration. Please try and put all your cards on the table and come up with a family solution before you end up out of work. Good luck!

If you did his job - would you be able to do bed time? Bet you would

How old are the children?
Why are you doing extra hours constantly?
Do you outsource household stuff?
Cleaner?
Shopping delivery?
Ironing?
Gardening?

Supply

You have a DH problem

He needs to make adjustments, as ANY WOMAN WOULD HAVE TO.

Do not give up work and become dependent on a man who is letting you struggle!

Sit him down, read him the riot act.

You deserve more. Your career is as valuable as his.

This needs to be said more. So many woman sacrifice their careers and future so the man doesn't have to make any changes. I'm probably guilty of it too. Before jacking the job think of other ways round it.

This.

If you aren't wanting to leave teaching for all the reasons that a lot of teachers want to leave, think about how the family can cover the effort he's not putting in due to working away. One of the reasons that high earners are paid well is that it's recognised that they'll need to pay for more help at home to compensate for them not being able to do it themselves.

But of course, if teaching is something that is easy to get back into after a few years out, that could be a valid choice too. But don't automatically jump to this decision because DH has left his share of childcare and other domestic work to you.

Please don't sacrifice your career to facilitate your husband's. I know you say that it isn't a feminist thing but it very much is. You will never make the same as him if you don't prioritise your career as much as he prioritises his. He will just have to come home and do his share of the work. It's because you have been picking up his slack that he is able to outearn you and that is somehow still what society expects of men. Have a wife, have kids, but don't change your life, let the wife facilitate a well run household.

You on the other hand will lose out on pension contributions, progression at work and continuity on your CV. I get that it's tiring but it's because you are taking on too much and he isn't taking on nearly enough.

Why doesn’t he also go part time so he is around more during the week? If he doesn’t wish to go part time to spend more time with his family, what exactly is preventing him from doing dinner, bath time, bedtime or night wakes?