To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

Is there any chance of being signed off for a week or two ?

Also it may be worth some blood
tests ? (Iron level , thyroid etc) just in case there’s something minor going on but sometimes those minor things although easily fixed cause significant issues

Great Simon thanks. Really helpful. I didn’t say that at all but we can’t afford for him to go part time so what the hell else are we supposed to do precisely?

He doesn't necessarily need to go part time he just needs to find a way to make working and parenting work. You both need to change the mindset that the children are your problem. They are 50% his kids so he needs to ensure they are fed and minded just as much as you. I know you are overwhelmed but the reason you are getting these responses is that you wrote off any involvement from him on page one. Even if he's on an oil rig he can take on some of the mental load of sorting this out. You sound exhausted .

As a PP said, part time teaching isn't. Looking at my past colleagues, unless you are very determined and great at self-advocacy the hours become the same as some full-time jobs.

You are expected to do the staff meetings, clubs, parents' evenings etc - IME these are never pro-rata, then the planning, pastoral work, marking and assessment just creep into the days you're not working.

From a position of compassion, reading your post, you would be happier with a different job whilst the children are small. You will be able to go back into the profession when the children are older. You will be surprised how many transferrable skills you have (I was!).

Good luck, OP.

I completely understand-looking through social media at the moment, there at a lot of teachers dreading having to get back on the hamster wheel.

Are you primary/secondary? It is a jobshare? Could you drop to 2 days and take the pressure off a bit?

@itfeelsstupid people can be very quick to blame a DP or DH for not being a responsible parent. In some cases that’s true but in others it’s not. In our situation, it’s a case of logistics not working and the best option for our family is me to give up work for now rather than DP going part time. I could put my foot down and say he needs to go part time so I can carry on with my career but we’d be financially much worse off so it makes no sense. It sounds like your situation is similar.

@itfeelsstupid how old are your children? A better question to ask yourself is what is better for your children. Is it a mother who is absent emotionally because she is exhausted and stressed, or a mother who is present and happy?
If you can afford it (even if your material lifestyle suffers for it) you should absolutely give up work.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.

OP didn't clarify she was a teacher in her first post.

Sympathy! If you’re a teacher I do understand that you can’t just tell your employer that you'll work contracted hours only, as some have suggested - teaching doesn’t work like that because you need to be prepared for the following day.

But it sounds as if your life would be a lot easier if you didn’t have to spend hours getting your children settled at night. I would work on their bedtime routine. If they’re young enough to like reward charts etc., use those. If they’re older, they’re old enough to be told not to disturb you unless it’s really necessary. Has bedtime always been a problem, or are they unsettled only since you went back to work? You should get a couple of hours to yourself in the evenings.

But you are contemplating losing your income all together. He doesn't need to go part-time, he just needs to share looking after his kids like any other full-time working parent has to do. You need to have the same expectations of him as you do any other parent. If he wants to work loads then he will have to do some of it when the kids are asleep.

What is it you're struggling with exactly? How old are the children and what are your working hours?

It will be better when they go back next week, you'll have one day to do school stuff and another to do house stuff.

Bulk cook or invest in a slow cooker and rice cooker to make meals in advance and as quick as possible. I used to take marking to swimming lessons or sit in the car with a small guillotine prepping resources for the next day while DD was at dance with a show downloaded on my iPad and coffee to feel like I had some semblance of adult time.

You don't need to give up work completely, you could trade teaching for full time TA, so you get an income, holidays off, some sort of pension and sick pay (unlike supply I presume) and no after school prep, £1k a month is better than £0.

I left teaching and moved to a public service role but that's only manageable as DD is a teen and doesn't need childcare during the holidays.

Sorry my previous post is teaching (ha!) granny to suck eggs.

What I would do is stick it out this term if you can, then either give supply a whirl, and, oh my goodness, you'll be in demand for that, or sign up with several job agencies.

You sound like I felt before I made my big jump. There is life on the outside, I promise.

He doesn't need to go part time. He either needs to adjust his current job so he can be at home more or he needs a different job that allows this.

If neither of these are possible then another option is to pay for some sort of childcare that gives you more time to work - I appreciate that evening childcare might be difficult to source, but it's something to investigate.

Like a PP says, it's funny how men's jobs are seemingly so inflexible but women always seem to be able to make it work or it's their career entirely that is sacrificed if it can't.

I know that in your case he earns more but statistically, women earn as much if not more than men until they start taking time out of work to raise children. That's something that needs to change and the way to do it is for men to start doing an equal share of domestic work and childcare so it's not always women doing this on top of their job.

Absolutely agree don’t give up working altogether, it offers so much if you can find the right role.
If money related to your role isn’t critical, could you take a pay cut and do a support role in a school for a couple of years?

Sleep train the children.

then at least you’ll have more time in the evening.
i made that mistake with DS1, not letting him self-soothe earlier, but even he would just have bath, story and a cuddle and then I’d leave him to fall asleep.

Depends how old your children are. Presumably they will become less demanding re bedtimes and very early starts if they’re little now. I’ve been there though. In retrospect I can’t believe I didn’t get a cleaner so at least I knew bathrooms, kitchens were clean, outsource ironing if you need to. If they’re at school, it is the one job that saves you the hassle and cost of finding care in the holidays.

If you really can’t do it, quit. At present teachers are leaving at such a rate that if you take a few years off you’ll be snapped up when you do return.

Sounds like you have a DH problem tbh

If your DH’s job is so demanding that he’s not ever there at bedtimes or in the mornings or at weekends then he should be earning a shedload to the extent that you can have the choice of not working or working and buying in help.

How old are the kids? Assuming they're in nursery 3 days a week, could you stay in work until kicking out time then pick kids up, give them easy tea, quick play, bed?

Do some work on your days off while they're watching TV.
Do the rest on the weekend.
Bare minimum housework, until kids are old enough to help.

It's a shit time, but it's doable and really doesn't last forever. I've marked many an essay at 6 on a Saturday morning whilst the dc watched cbeebies. In fact, there's probably not a playcentre or leisure centre i haven't worked in either. But that was only a few years. You kind of have to grit your teeth and get on with it for 6 or 7 weeks until the next break.

Look at your household income/outgoings-would it be doable if your salary was no longer in the mix?

How old are your kids?

So you work three days and work spills over. Can your children do an extra day of childcare so you have a day to catch up?

Or you spend your two days off work with kids and on the weekend get a day to yourself to catch up while your dh does kids. Then the other day is family day.

Or could your children do longer childcare on the days you are working and you stay late but then don't do extra on your four days at home?

Or could dh finish earlier on a couple of your working days so you can work later? (And work longer the other days)

Do your children still access childcare in the holidays? Can you get a head start on planning etc to reduce workload once term starts?

One thing to try - alternative bedtimes, my DC can drag it out for at least an hour. I work full time , breadwinner by a very long way, and demanding professional role - I’m still there for bedtime most nights. Yes it finishes me off some days but I’m there doing it but it does work best in our house if we split it between us, so not both doing it every night.

You work 3 days so the 3 nights before your working days your DH do bedtime, you do the other nights. Have it as allocated time for you to focus on other things ready for working the next day.

You may have already looked at this - but with friends that are teachers they all seem to try to cut it too fine with childcare, you already have the massive benefit of school holidays off, the offset of that should mean that you can allocate more to childcare term time, I don’t understand why so many teachers try to resist it. I would be keeping DC in childcare until 6.30pm on each of your working days and probably the day before your working day too so you have a full proper day of hours in daytime to allocate to work.

They don’t watch TV particularly. They wil watch for a bit but not quietly and with enough concentration I could actually get anything done. Anyway - just felt a bit stressed. It’ll be OK, it will have to be.

Its entirely up to you, but personally I think by holding the attitude that where DC and work together are too much, you are the default to cut work, you're making a rod for your own back. Take this path now, accepting that H 'isn't around much' so it's on you, and it's a one way street that's almost impossible to U turn in. So you will be looking at a lifetime of being the default domestic labourer, with any hopes and plans for achieving outside the home always set aside for your Hs career plans. Always financially on the back foot and role modelling to DC that daddy is the earner mummy looks after the home. Now, that might be perfectly fine with you, and if it is, good luck to you. But if that doesn't appeal, I'd think hard because this is a cross roads for you. If you want to work, you need to assert your right to do so. Tell your H there needs to be another arrangement where he equalises the parenting so you can.