To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

I know how you're feeling OP. I feel this way and I work 3 days with two DC, one who is still breastfeeding and waking up all night. One of the days I work, the childcare pick up is really tight and stresses me out so much. The job I do is very difficult to do with lack of sleep too and I worry one day I'm going to make a serious mistake.
I can't/don't want to give up and hoping it's just going to get easier as time goes on. I do sympathise with you.

Short term, I'd do as this pp says. Long term, do you want to stay in teaching? If yes - maybe do supply or TA, or be really strict with yourself, no working over hours, wing it more, no marking - just try it, accept the consequences of you're thinking of packing in anyway, then what have you got to lose?

If you don't want to stay in teaching, get another job, retraining might be difficult due to lack of time, but you could get a job that requires no training at the lowest level, but with opportunities to move up whilst training on the job.

I moved from teaching to data analyst without retraining, massive paycut, but within 18 months I was earning my teacher wage again.

I'm a 3 day a week teacher too. I used to know I was an amazing teacher, now I know I'm just 'good'. But it's all I can give right now. Are there things you could cut back on but still manage your job well?

Could you drop to 2 days so you aren't the 'majority' teacher anymore? I'm assuming your primary so not sure how secondary works.

Can you speak to your employer about dropping something? Or having more time out of class?

I’m by far the higher earner in our family and yet I managed not to dump the vast majority of childcare on to DH.

Before you give up have you actually looked at how much time you are both spending on work, childcare, house admin. He doesn’t get to opt out so you trash your career to facilitate his.

Can you outsource any of the work eg cleaner or laundry and ironing service?

Would supply teaching bring enough hours without the admin burden?

Teaching looks absolutely brutal with kids yourself, and sending lots of sympathy. would also though strongly encourage you to ask your DH to make even small adjustments to his absence from the household. One day per week when he commits to doing pick up and bedtime for example, so you a) don’t have to do the whole of the evening routine and b) can catch up on the extra work. Has he even asked his employer for support in this? Your post sounded like a struggling single parent - doesn’t he feel a bit embarrassed about that?

Sounds counter-intuitive, but could increasing your hours actually help? With some jobs, the work you have to do does not go down proportionately as you go part-time, so by increasing your hours you might find more time in the working day to do preparation, market etc. And you can use the extra money you earn to pay for more childcare/cleaning or other help with the house.

I'm not a teacher, I'm an academic, but I found working part-time harder than full-time in a lot of ways. I had a bit of a crisis my first year of part-time (having been full time when the children were tiny) and only coped by paying for one extra day a week of childcare during my busiest term.

Has anyone recommended the Facebook group about life after teaching? I can’t remember the name of it but hopefully someone might post it on here if they haven’t already.

Could you become a casual teacher. Here it’s called CRT, covering for teachers on sick leave.
There would be less ‘extra’ work, and planning required.

He doesn’t get to opt out so you trash your career to facilitate his.

That's what I was thinking. My DH is the higher earner but he still managed not to leave me struggling with the DC. Are you 100% sure he needs to 'not be around' as much as all that? Or does it suit him to arrange things that way? It's one thing if he's a surgeon in theatre all that time, but another if he's choosing to stay late at the office and could actually be home to help more often and fit work into other times when you've not got an early start. There's so so many cautionary tales on here about women giving up work/career/financial independence that I'd try anything before that. These times with the DC will pass before you know it.

I teach ft as an SP with two kids. It's hard, my parents jump in and help quite a bit for parents evenings etc but the nain thing is stuff at home has to work. Bedtime is not negotiable, they eat more freezer food than is ideal but is quick and easy and I know they'll eat it and the house would not meet MN standards of clean I'm sure (surfaces etc fine but dusting skirting boards does not happen). Term time is brutal but then holidays every six weeks makes it manage. I'd actually be more pissed if I had a DH around but not pulling his weight.

you have my sympathies OP. I had exactly the same problem when my children were young. The workload and stress in teaching is ridiculous. My husband also was our main earner and it made no sense for us to compromise his career/ earning potential. I took a career break which actually turned out to be a lot longer than I thought. You will always be able to return to teaching let’s be honest. Good luck with whatever you choose xx

PersephonePomegranate23
You need a different job, not no job.
this- definitely don’t leave paid work

Your DH definitely needs to step up on the parenting front @itfeelsstupid . I think you should reconsider him going part time and review what changes you can make to your lifestyle to make it less expensive (housing for example).

It’s natural to not look forward to working after a long holiday - it’s also normal to feel knackered after the long school holiday. I’m not a teacher but have always worked full time - mine are teenagers now but the end of school holiday season is always a struggle mentally for me. 3 days a week should be manageable - giving up work is not the answer.

Your DH needs to find a way to support you. Either by helping more or paying for you to have additional help (whether that's a cleaner, a childcare student who can be an extra pair of hands, or similar)

Would you consider a switch to a special school? It's demanding, but in different ways to mainstream. There is quite a lot of paperwork, but in general you have a team of TAs to help you keep on top of it. With good systems in place during the day, you can get to a place where there is much less 'homework' than for a mainstream class.

If it’s teaching then start working your hours plus what you deem reasonable/ can do on the days you work to get the job done. I’m a hod and work 4 days a week. On those days I’m in 8-5, i rarely work evenings or weekends and I never work on my week day off as I have two young children who need my attention. I work very hard during my breaks and PPA so don’t have quite the same social relationships I did before but do make efforts to continue as it’s important for leadership
theres loads of guidance including dfe on how to reduce workload, assess differently etc. don’t leave for the day without lessons planned but don’t give into the feeling you have to replan every lesson or mark everything.

it’s brutal with less sleep but can your husband share wake-up’s with you - is he there for some of those at least?

Don’t give up work completely, just find a least stressful job.

I swapped a job that required extra hours and was emotionally draining (teaching) for a job that didn’t require taking any work home with me.
I earn less and don’t have the holidays but if I worked out the physical and emotional hours I put into teaching, then I technically earn more now.

It was the best decision I ever made.

I work, am a single parent with no support and I’m doing a PT masters - and I’m still less stressed and have more free time than when I was teaching.

Why not look for another job and so that for a couple of years until your DC are slightly older.
Could you look for a FT TA position or PT shop work.

I worked 3 days a week in the kind of job where overtime is normal even when full time, and I worked for approx 3 hours every single evening on top of 9-5 (or rather 8:30 to 5:35-with-rush-to-nursery).

I got a new full time job where I could do my work within my contracted hours. Lower FTE pay as it was a side step. DH happened to get a new local job at the same time (I went from local to commuting). It was, and still is, a million times better.

Your husband doesn't have to go part time.

But what he does need to do is help.

Not just put him out of the equation for both of you.

You haven't said what job he does

But...

Shift work? Request to change shifts
Office work? Request flexible working, be there for bed time for example, then a couple of hours later wfh.

How old are your kids. Because my advice is different for an 11 and 12 year old than a 1&3year old.

DH needs to start doing night shifts too and accepting that he might be a bit tired for work some days. Unless he’s a surgeon or lorry driver or some other job that he might kill people if tired

@itfeelsstupid what ages are your dc?

Only tiny @Positivenancy , recently turned 1, and 3.

Like I say we’ll be OK. I have been ‘off’ for a year so have to get back into the swing of things.

Why is your partner choosing not to parent his children?