To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

Look for a different role that’s proper pt. You can always return when children are older. It’s better than no income. Look on your local council website - lots education related. Or tutoring.

The OP has already said this isn’t a husband bashing thread.

What about supply teaching through an agency, then you don’t have the hassle of the self employed status and you get a bit more flexibility (and less ‘extra’ hours).

If not, the suggestion to get the kids in childcare during your days off might work. At least then you would get some catch up/recharge time.

That's a really tough age OP, especially with illnesses if going into childcare, your DH needs to step up. You shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed and alone, you have a partner. I suspect he isn't stepping up enough when he's home if you're feeling this overwhelmed on a bank holiday weekend. You've obviously not had chance to switch off.

They are still very small. It will get easier. I would consider taking a bit more time off if you can afford it temporarily. That doesn't mean permanently trashing your career.

You don’t say how old they are but I assume they are not at school. Couldn’t you send them to nursery an extra day so you can do your planning and marking? Does your husband never have them? Even a couple of hours on a weekend would give you chance to recharge. My ex h sometimes used to take DS for a walk so I could catch up on sleep. He also did bathtime then I would do bedtime. Granted I may have spent that time tidying up after tea or whatever but the point is your DH needs to be having some involvement with them.

I always wonder what people think women who do these jobs do……

We parent our children.

In fact my entire life was sleep deprived long before children as is the norm for many doctors and the most rest I had was on mat leave. Spending at least some time in my own bed every night was an amazing change.

This is so true. My DH has a "big job" and actually, the bigger the job, the more power they have to make adjustments. Doesn't even mean reducing working hours, just flexing them to allow for the kid duties.

It's only the men who don't want to make adjustments that can't and their partners believe them while struggling on to their own detriment.

Many many single/ solo parents do work full time though with absolutely no physical or mental support so it can be done. I havent seen how old your children are but what I will say is it becomes easier.

Could you find a childminder so you have strategically timed breathing space OP? Cheaper than a nursery and IME, much more flexible.

Hi OP

I see your children are 1 and 3. So I'm assuming you're not long back after mat leave. I wouldn't make any long term decisions now, as in 18 months or so I think your life will look very different. I remember that time, rushing home from work, trying to cook one handed while holding a grouchy baby with a toddler hanging off one leg, both not sleeping, both permanently ill from nursery etc. It's very different in a couple of years and feels a lot less stressful.

So although every day feels like a million years I'd see about short term solutions at the moment. Whether that's putting your kids in nursery an extra day or day and a half or something so you can catch up on everything and get some rest. Cleaners, meal prep kits, getting people in to do diy rather than doing it yoursf, paying for gardeners, relaxing your families standards for tidying etc.

You are hoping you'll be okay.
You are telling yourself it will all be okay, that you just need to get back into the swing of things.
That may not be true.

Is teaching a real vocation for you? Is it something you always knew you were destined to do? Would your life be hollow, empty and meaningless if you weren't a teacher?
If the answer is 'no', get out of teaching now!
Do any other job.
Seriously. The job will chew you up and spit you out down the line as a burnt out shell, with wrecked mental health.

Meanwhile - first thing is to get DH on board - he has to either do all the morning routine three days a week, breakfasts and packed lunches, or he has to do three evenings a week of playtime, bedtime and story-time whilst you work. Then for the last step of getting them to sleep, you and he need to commit to sleep training.

If you are generally happy with your job, I’d try and stick with it. It really does get a lot easier as they get older, at least in terms of sleep and being able to get stuff done.
I’m a single parent of teens, and I would say that the primary (and early secondary) school years were the easiest. They’re out at school for 6 hours a day, and when they’re home they don’t need as much input as babies/toddlers. The pre school years nearly killed me - working 3 “official” days but doing the same amount unofficially at home.
It does get easier.

Exactly. My DH too, and every other man I know who actually bothers to step up. There’s a culture of lying in a lot of big city jobs whereby they all pretend to have to stay late or have ‘absolutely essential’ trips or inflexible hours.

If not, the suggestion to get the kids in childcare during your days off might work.

I just couldn’t have afforded to put two kids in childcare for a day I wasn’t earning anything,

Neither could I!

Yeah I'd be thinking maybe a different job with real PT hours. At that age, you absolutely are on alert 24/7 so understandably you will be shattered both physically and emotionally.
I hope you can find something better suited and look at progressing when they're older. You're at that really tiring stage atm but it will get better in a few years x

That sounds really hard. How many days are they in childcare? If it is only three, then how about increasing to four. Reframe how you, your husband and anyone else thinks your work schedule. Practice saying out loud that you work four days a week. Three in the school, one day remotely. (Which is 100% true).
And yes, get some help with bedtimes. You are probably so tired at that point that you are doing a crappy job of laying down the law and enforcing a routine. Your husband needs to step up. You need to work with an early childhood nurse to get some strategies in place. It will be hard in the short term but so good once it improves.

@itfeelsstupid I think your partner needs to step up. He works full time and is the breadwinner (I get that-so am I, as the female in the partnership), but I guarantee you he can be more efficient in his paid job and he can and should take on more of the home life work. Yes it will take effort on his part but you shouldn’t be expected to shoulder everything. If you want to work (paid) then it needs to be on a more equal footing with your DH at home

I think this is an important question as there may be others on here with similar jobs in the same industry who can advise.

Both DH are high earners with 2 DC and we’ve only managed this because we share kid and home responsibilities equally.

I see quite a few men junior to me with SAHW who could easily go home earlier than they do, or could do drop off then come into work.

• Get help: food, laundry, cleaning, au pair, student after school, whatever would be the most use to you. We are one of the few countries where working families don't often use external support.

• Sort out bedtime routines as a priority. Even if it's painful in the short term.

• Know that this only a short period over your working life, so whether you step back for a period or stick at it, it's not forever.

• Get your partner to step up logistically, even if just one day a week, unless he's in one of the very few jobs where that's not possible.

• Lower standards during the week, easy food, ready meals + veg, main meal at lunchtime so just supper in the evening

I had an awful few years when my kids were young, one not sleeping, lengthy commute, husband in the military so support patchy. However I'm really glad I didn't give up my job when I look at my peers who subsequently struggled to get back into the workforce.

I did 3 days when mine were that age and I used to think of my colleagues who managed full time so it gave me a boost that I could do it.
Look at it like you have 3 days at work then 4 days off/with the children. I used to spread schoolwork and cleaning over 3 of those days and had 1 day completely off and focused on us.

So it’s your husbands job that’s the problem as it leaves you with too much on your plate. Has he suggested he find a more family friendly job or is all sacrifice down to you to make?

Please don't give up work. I know it feels tough now but you will make yourself really vulnerable if you do.

Outsource as much as you can and talk to your employer to see how they can help the workload more manageable.

I'm in the same position albeit four days working (but self employed) and DH around a bit but very rarely in the evenings due to being a shift worker. But bluntly, I have to work. We can't meet our basic outgoings if I don't. I'm feeling really stressed and miserable at the moment.

Same really @LostittoBostik my big worry is ending up in a situation where I have to leave as I’m managed out.