To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

@TheKeatingFive as I’ve said so many times now advice isn’t necessarily what I’m about. A bit of reassurance and reminder it’s all doable is grand. I don’t think I’m the only person who’s felt a bit daunted at the thought of a return to work after a year away!

It's doable if you work out how it's doable otherwise it's not

But you can’t do it! That’s the point. You are at breaking point.
That doesn’t mean you are a failure or your DH is an asshole. It just means something needs to change. And you need to figure out what.

As I said, if all you wanted was people to be a cheerleader and not offer actual solutions (which whether you like it or not will involve your other half) then you should have simply said, I am not looking for advice, just to be told I can do it. But yesterday you were contemplating quitting your career so many people rightly assumed that you needed something more than just a pat on the back.

Indeed-if you’re a bit daunted, but will probably be ok-that’s fine.

If you are genuinely thinking you can’t do this, try answering some of the questions teachers have asked though-you might get some actual useful answers. Are you primary/secondary? Job share? Could you afford to drop to 2 days rather than leave completely? Are you SLT or leading any subjects? What takes you the most time after work? What causes you the most stress?

I’m not at breaking point @MangshorJhol ! I haven’t even gone back yet 😂

Well this is your actual opening gambit ...

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

So okay - it's doable. Job done? All good now?

Because I'm seeing quite the gulf between these two positions personally.

Exactly you are not back at work and the opening line of your post was ‘because I can’t cope.’ You then followed up by saying you were ‘feeling overwhelmed and unhappy.’ It’s likely going to be harder when you are at work as you rightly pointed out. What am I missing here?!

There’s few actually helpful hints as well for OP.

OK another one - what time will you be picking dcs up from childcare and will they have had their dinner already? If you can get an extra half hour at work before you collect them and they have already eaten, it will make evenings much easier. It might be worth looking at childminders who can be a bit more flexible about pick up times and more likely to do a proper meal in the evening over other childcare. Particularly if you can find one who does the school run to the primary you hope to send dc1 to next year, will be much easier if both dcs are in the same setting once dc1 is at school.

@TheKeatingFive theres a gulf if you’re reading it at absolute literal face value.

If one of my year 13 students came to me in tears saying ‘there’s no point to me applying to university, I’m going to fail anyway, I am so stupid’ would you think I’d take that at face value, or would I realise she’s expressing her fears and insecurities and reassure her?

You don’t name change (and good on you for that) so I do ‘know’ your name and I know you’re not stupid and you’re not given to provoking on purpose but it is starting to feel a little like a goad now given how many times I’ve said I was being daft and having a moment.

Can you go down to 2 days? Then you can keep your career. That one day will make a huge difference.
Or go full time and get a nanny.
Children that age are a real handful. I worked full time with one child as a single mum and often considered going onto benefits. I didn't in the end but it was tempting.

So here’s some selective posts if we’re doing that

*I might just be feeling overwhelmed’ (from the OP, given that you’ve quoted that.)

anyway - just felt a bit stressed. It’ll be OK, it will have to be (that was two hours after posting; some twenty four later we are still insisting that I am beheld to my OP!)

Like I say we’ll be OK. I have been ‘off’ for a year so have to get back into the swing of things

It probably won’t be as bad as I am anticipating

I had a really bad night - bad week really - of sleep and feeling daft and tearful

Things will sort themselves out; they have to

Giving up work isn’t a good idea and it’s not what I actually want

I mean - does that sound like I’m wailing in despair and not coping, or does it sound like I’m prepared for challenges but also prepared to deal with them? Does it sound like I’m still panicking or does it sound like I’m reasonably calm? I don’t doubt it’s a challenge but really the last week of the summer holidays is always a bit stressful and more so after a years maternity and no sleep!

I can’t go down to two days for now: timetables are drawn. I’ll see how this year goes and then revisit but Dc1 will be at school next year so that’s going to help.

Well I'm not sure your analogy works because in your opening post, what you describe does sound difficult and require rethinking/significant planning if it's going to work.

However, for whatever reason you dont want this kind of input. I'll bow out. I hope it works out.

To answer your latest and newest question -

It will be utterly shit and miserable but ultimately doable unless you evenly share the load with both parents in which case it will be better.

I am shocked by this thread to be honest. I commented quite early in and to come back and see pages of the same type of comments was an eye opener. I hope things improve for you @itfeelsstupidxx

Ok and that’s great that worked for you. Your kids will see you as the primary caregiver though. And what about when you breastfeed for longer? It’s ok to admit women CAN have a bigger role in this and should be allowed to do that.

OK. So at the risk of repeating myself for what feels like the hundredth time, what does he do when he gets home?

And what could he do that helps you?

Then once you've worked that out, maybe have the conversation with him.

Crazy idea, I know.

I just find it depressing that the op isn’t allowed to give up paid work for a bit even if it’s the best option for her.

The him no lifting finger has come from you literally saying you have no support and do everything alone.

If you read that, would you assume the people in the relationship do an equal share.

And before you starting whining again about how he has a very long commute, I mean an equal share in proportion to hours worked.

Nobody here is not allowing it. They can’t afford it.

The OP doesn't seem to be able to do a lot other than whine at everyone else.

She doesn't want advice, she wants an echo chamber because she is refusing to share information where people could actually offer productive advice such as what exactly are you struggling with and could your Husband help and she replies with "he has a long commute"

Then everyone is accused of being nosey and she is sat there, scratching her head because she can't understand why people think her husband doesn't nothing AFTER saying in her OP she has no support at all.

But you know, everyone else is in the wrong.

Of course it's doable.

As long as you have the support off your Husband and a routine.

Which multiple people have tried to help you with but you refused to answer so how can anyone help?

Like I said, you really should have put in your first post that you actually don't want advice.

Are you taking the piss?!

So all this angst is over....nothing? Because you've no idea how things will actually work because you've yet to do it?

That would have been more useful on the first post, not your last one

OP doesn’t want to give up her job. She’s made that very clear.

One thing you do need to get your head round - looking after 2 dcs all day at those ages is a full job, so on the two days you are off work but your dh is at work, you can’t plan to do anything other than caring for them, some minimal housework (more cleaning up after you and dcs, nothing more) and keeping everyone fed.

telling yourself you’ll do marking or planning in that time is setting yourself up to fail.

sit down with your dh and think about how as a family you can carve out the extra time you need to do your job. He might not quite get that 3 days a week as a teacher needs at least another half day (if not full day) worth of extra time for planning /marking.