To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

Hi - you’re in the eye of the storm and this is actually the worst age for working parents. When they get to school, you have time to breath on your days off which helps a lot.
I’d say stick with it at all costs until they’re in school and readjust then. Expect nothing more of yourself - forget enrichment activities, cool holidays, fancy birthday parties, lovely social life.. Just focus on wellbeing as much as possible and take shortcuts!
But once you leave the workforce it can be hard to return, emotionally and in practice.

Totally get it. We made the same decision.

Find a HLTA/PPA cover job for a few years instead. Pure school hours, leave your work at home. I know many teachers who did/do this when their children were very young. Including me.

This is so true. The more senior I’ve become the more power I have to work flexibly. I also have more support at work. When I was junior, things were far more rigid.

I feel for you but you are only just back from mat leave and it's the beginning of term. Have your dc also just started nursery and so are unsettled?

I wouldn’t make any commitments about the long term yet but I would think hard about whether the childcare was right.

What time do you drop them off and pick them up? Are they in a day nursery or with a childminder? What arrangements have you in place for the inevitable coughs and colds that will kick in soon?

Can you maximise their time at nursery - dropping at 7.30 and collecting at 6 to exploit your working day outside the house?

Can your DH collect them from nursery one night a week so that you can work late to get ahead. Similarly can yiur DH drop them one morning a week so you can get in by 7.15 ish?

Can you sub-contract: cleaning, ironing, and have shopping delivered? Get into the groove of batch cooking on a sunday: dinner for Monday and freeze three weeks' worth. Then you always have in the freezer: chilli con, spag bol, fish pie, shepherd's pie, etc and you can dip in on your working days. Omelette, bagged salad, rotisserie chicken, soup and toasties- all life savers for speed.

I always found laying out/ hanging clothes the night before a lifesaver, and making sure bags were packed, shoes lined up in the hall etc.

More drastically can you book an extra half day or day of childcare for you? I know it's a ball breaker cost wise at this stage.

Radically, it might be easier to bite the bullet and go back full time. That remarkably lessens the guilt. You give 100% at work and work cannot try to pour four days work into three and at home you are realistic, accept you can't do it all and sub contracting is easier. I never worked so hard or felt more torn and exhausted as when I worked part time. I swear I did as much as the full-timers!

When your youngest is four, the au-pair route will open up if you have a spare room. That was a life saver. The cheapest form of child care and allows your dc to do their extra curricular stuff.

On the bright side, it's only six or seven weeks until half term! I'm guessing you must be in Scotland as you are back already?

It would probably help to at least give a rough idea of his job. I do understand your situation though, my DP earns double my salary, but he isn't there in the mornings as he's at work before most people wake up, so he can't do any morning routines. I also wouldn't want him to go PT or quit as we'd not be able to pay our bills and would be counting down to losing the house once savings were wiped out if he did.
He has always done his share when he's in the house and on days off, but it is also a job where tiredness could genuinely lead to him and others being killed, so he took over more during his waking hours when the kids were babies and I did night wakings. I was breastfeeding anyway but again, wouldn't have wanted him up at night given his job.
It would have been the same the other way round if our jobs were reversed.

When your youngest is four, the au-pair route will open up if you have a spare room. That was a life saver. The cheapest form of child care and allows your dc to do their extra curricular stuff.

There is no longer any such thing as an au pair. They are a live-in nanny who is entitled to at least minimum wage for all hours worked.

Don't jump into this.

I do understand how you feel. I've been there and had to manage lockdown and a toddler while trying to work with husband out of house.

It was awful.

But decent part time jobs are hard to come by. I would say that I have traded off a really difficult couple of years when they were little for a great work life balance longer term.

Being three days is great when they have school events, clubs, play dates etc. The need to be there doesn't end with school.

What else can you do to free up time? Things like baths every night are not necessary. What can you do to speed up the bedtime routine? Especially with the three year old.

What can you outsource? Would a cleaner help a few hours a week?

Where can you drop standards or improve household efficiency. I got rid of the ironing basket. It is washed, hung out and put away straight away. No more giant pile of stress. Instead it's a bit at a time I can manage. Washing per person makes this even easier as I carry it straight from washing line to the correct room (I do over arm as minute it goes in a basket or bag it gets left!)

You need to find ways to get through the next few months and re-evaluate because this stage really doesn't last forever.

I know lots of people will say you don't get the time back when they are little and that is so true but just trying to offer a perspective beyond the baby years. At one point I was you and struggling too but overall I am glad I kept with the job and the chance to remain part time in the long term has been great for our family. It was hell for a short while but it really was short now I have the benefit of hindsight.

Do not give up your child and any future livelihood for your husband. It might be practical now but won’t be if in 5 years time you split up. I’ve seen it happen too many times

Could you do private tutoring? You pick and choose your hours whilst still having a bit of income and a foot in the door.

My thoughts exactly.

He needs to step up and do more. Too many men think that their greater earning power exempts them from parenting and domestic responsibilities.

I'll never forget a conversation I once had with the wife of a colleague, in which she told me how incredibly important his work was, how he was so very busy busy, had to put in long hours etc.

He was the laziest fucker ever at work. He started not much after 8, but never did a stroke before 10, spent most of the day wandering around the building chatting, had 2-hour lunch breaks and was always doing stuff like popping out to get his hair cut or change his library books. When he retired, his workload was distributed between 2 of us and it barely made a difference.

When mine were little 10yrs, 2.5yrs and 18months, husband worked a week of 5am till 3pm and a week of 1pm till 10.30pm, including travel.

I worked 11pm till 4am nights, then slept got the kids ready for school/child minders, the worked from 9am until 5pm office, home cooked for the kids had a quick nap and back into work for 11pm.

He covered what he could and mum covered bits.

It's bloody hard, but worth it, I dropped the night's and now have a good career in the office role.

Your husband will need to be flexible and put himself out to help.

Sounds like it’s the thought of going back after maternity leave. Give it a go first a lot of us feel overwhelmed at that point. The thought of it is often worse. I’ve been there. Raising kids alone and working full time. It’s not easy and plenty of tears along the way.

Someone once said to me, one day they’ll be putting their own shoes on and and coat. Seems trivial but the point was, you won’t be in the trenches forever and they will slowly start becoming a bit more self sufficient.

Mine are teenagers now and it seems like a nightmare that happened a long time ago. You do get through it and it does get easier. The key is to be organised. Make a plan every week and follow it. Schedule every moment. Yes there was some tears along the way, but you can get through it. You are stronger than you think. And when you have no choice you just get on with it. You’ll be glad you stuck it out in the long run.

NB I got a cleaner during the early years which was financially better than giving up work. It makes a world of difference. Mentally walking in to a clean house once a week kept me going.

Thanks … we did have a cleaner before I went on maternity leave but I do find that they start off well then it becomes a pain tidying for them and also the ones we had weren’t very good. It ended up being another source of stress!

It probably won’t be as bad as I am anticipating.

If she earns 27k and he earns 97k then the bare bones of it is that her career ISN’T as valuable as his. If he loses his job and she keeps hers, then they’re fucked. If she loses hers, or decides to leave then they’re not. Like the OP says, it’s not a feminist issue, it’s just a logistical problem for the family. Reading your husband the riot act will just not help anything.

@itfeelsstupid dont panic. Remember that back to school always feels crap.

It’s hard, but doable.
Be really strict about using all your time in school efficiently. No chatting for 50 mins in the staff room after school.
Don’t do fancy displays, or unnecessary ‘fluffy’ stuff.
Train the kids to tidy the classroom at the end of day.
As far as your school’s policy allows, mark during lessons. Buy a stamp for marking homework.
On your last working day, can you pay for your kids to be in childcare later, so you can get that bit more homework done? Can you afford to use childcare on one of your mornings off, to get work done? Ask your husband to take the children out on Saturday mornings, whilst you start working at 7am.
Definitely have a cleaner and your shopping delivered.
Do not look at work emails too much on your days off.

Remember you only have to work in 7 week blocks.

I hear you. But when I was just too busy to tidy, my solution for that was I said my bedroom was not to be touched and to concentrate on the rest of the house. Then on the day she came, I just did a sweep of the house and dumped anything in my room.
It’s quick, and stress free. Then just had one room to tidy up when the kids went to bed.

This.

Please don’t give up your job without a plan. It will have an impact on your self worth, your financial independence and you’ll be surprised how much you miss having time away from being “mum”.

Even if you have to take a hit now on, for example, paying a cleaner, in the long run you’ll be better off as a family and you won’t feel resentful

Indeed

That isn't true actually. There is a wide distinction between the roles and whilst it's more difficult for Europeans to come via the au-pair route it is still available with a Young person's or youth visa.

Au-pairs are entitled to NMw or LLW of which the latter is about £11.50ph. That works out to about 400 a week but the cost of accommodation and keep can be deducted from that. Bear in mind that a houseshare in SW London is now at least £200pw and I imagine £150 pocket money pw plus a room and en-suite with board is pretty fair. Probably more spending money than my graduate trainees on £35k have. I paid my au-pairs £80 to £90 pw in the mid 00's. Plus a language class, plus a flight home each year. Those seem to be the pre-requisites for the definition.

Who’s losing their jobs?! Guaranteed he can make efficiencies in his paid work time which mean he can be more present at home and still achieve his paid workload. He’s seemingly got no motivation to do so though

It is hard when you have young children but you do get through it. If you can afford to give up your job, consider it. However, do you really want to give up your career?

I’ve been a single parent since dd2 was 2 years old. I’ve always worked full time in a demanding corporate job. It’s definitely possible. But of course it’s hard so if you don’t have to do it, don’t

Is your husband not home in time for dinner/bath/bed? If he is, he needs to be supporting you in getting them to sleep better. Sleep training if needed.

Also, give yourself a break. You’re just back after maternity leave and need some time to adjust.

Except he's obviously earning nowhere near £97k because you can't survive on his wage alone and can't survive if you both work part time, either.

He gets all the benefits of a man with a Big Important Job that means he gets to opt out of being a partner and father, without even the saving grace of actually providing for his family.

You can bet the women doing his job are doing a second shift at home with the kids.

Tbf tho, you can bet they likely don’t have a spouse at home who is a part time teacher. I don’t think it sounds like he’s not pulling his weight- just that you’ve become overwhelmed

It is a feminist issue. This happens so often - society expects men to be higher earners than women. It needs earlier intervention than now as the OP is the one with the weaker hand.

OP’s husband needs to step up more to let OP stay on some sort of ladder.