To think I’m going to have to give up work

[itfeelsstupid]

Because I can’t cope.

I can’t manage a demanding job (albeit 3 days a week but with a lot of ‘extra’ work) and two demanding children and no other support.

I might just be feeling overwhelmed but I am already thinking this isn’t going to be possible. It’s taking hours to settle children at night then I have the ‘night shift’ to do early starts and I can’t do it 😭

You can repeat yourself all you like but I do think you seem to believe you’re on a thread AIBU to think DH doesn’t do enough when he’s at home, or something. It’s really strange, it’s like going to a thread on what we’re reading and mithering the posters ‘so as I’ve asked ten times, what do you think of M & S clothes?’

I’m not the one whining here, I’ve been fairly positive after my initial post. It’s the posters who can’t accept that DH is out of the house more than he’s in it Monday to Friday. God knows why.

I still can't fathom how (an apparent) fully functional grown adult, can start a post about being unsupported at home then get all bent out of shape and insist she didn't actually mean that and then insist her husband does plenty at home only then to reveal after multiple pages that she's getting herself worked up over a catastrophised work situation that hasn't actually happened.

Not only that, they then do another post all faux confused as to how everyone else couldn't see it was a theoretical situation.

You would have received very different comments had you actually posted the real situation as opposed to the catastraphised one where you were overworked, struggling to maintain three days and had no support.

I know you can’t fathom it. So leave it It is seriously like a fly buzzing incessantly against a window but whhhy but whhhy but whhhy

I have metaphorically opened a window. Buzz off.

Yep. And since there are single mothers who earn the same as these apparently oh-so-important husbands and manage to do so AND care for their children be be present for them for most bedtimes etc, it is pathetic that so many women are still excusing this behaviour from useless men and allowing themselves to be so dumped upon that apparently they can't manage kids and part time work, with two salaries and a husband who presumably must be at home at least sometimes?

OP I’d start a different thread under a new name asking for back to work advice sometime. Plenty of people are in your position and can give advice.
Im guessing you teach secondary. I know our VP who did timetabling didn’t like teachers doing 2 days as it was difficult to timetable in for some particular reason. I’d talk to your HOD though, it’s why they are there and they might be able to help or at least reassure you.
I know lots of teachers I know manage by heavily relying on their parents to do everything. You might need to outsource a bit, a CM who feeds your kids dinner helps, online shopping etc.

But you became all positive as soon as people started asking questions about your DH. Till then you were unsupported, overwhelmed and wondering if you should be a SAHM. When people said, what is the division of work in your household at that point you were like, he’s great, he works long hours in an exceptional job (quite standard ones to be fair), we are coping fine, you are all mean!

Also you got a ton of practical advice. Lots of people also said:

• be disciplined. Pack bags the night before. Clothes out.
• Batch cook.
• meal plan and keep it simple.
• alternate time at the weekends so you get prep time for class.
• get a cleaner if you can
• put the kids into an extra day in nursery
• online shopping

Some people suggested supply work or even tutoring. Some suggested you cut down on outgoings perhaps (to which you replied that you refused to tell people what your outgoings were). I have read plenty of suggestions on this thread alone that were not related to your DH.

All of that has actually been suggested alongside the suggestion that if all of the above continues to fall on you then you will continue to feel overwhelmed and unhappy. This is not that radical or even that aggressive.

I've been helpful. And sympathetic! And I'm not usually either.
Go back and look at mine😀

If it's any consolation, I've been working on and off the past week. Mine are both teens now, but I'm STILL wondering if this is going to be the year I drop all the balls and get put on support etc. It's like being Catholic but with a puritan work ethic; that niggling guilt and fear never quite goes.

Okaaay. So in 15 years you'll be back here saying "but I made all these sacrifices! I don't understaaaaand why he ran off with his younger colleague. He was the last person I EVER thought would do this" etc etc. Carry on as you are and "buzz off" then. Until you eventually notice your wings have been clipped, but far too late to do anything useful about it.

Well, you’re desperate for that to happen @MidnightLibraryCard so if it does, I’ll update you. I think I can cope though. I’ve certainly faced worse and survived. I think I’m allowed a moment of panic, even if MN don’t think so

@TheMoth i definitely didn’t mean everybody and apologies. As I’ve said I suppose I do feel a bit inclined to defend poor DH here 😂 stupid as he doesn’t know about the thread and I doubt he’d care if he did.

"Poor DH".

Ok then.

I could not care less, but you asked for help then were very rude to people who asked perfectly reasonable questions, raised valid concerns and offered you constructive advice.

And you don’t think it’s rude to announce that someone’s DH is going to go off with a younger model? With absolutely nothing to even suggest that this might be the case?

I do.

OP clearly does not want any advice. They just want to be supported in moaning about having to manage without much support from their H once they return to teaching 3 days per week.
Don’t ask OP any questions about her H’s input into the family when he is at home!

I would never advise a woman to give up her financial independence, but OP may need to in order to avoid burn out, IF her H does not step up once OP returns to work after mat leave in the next week or so.
Maybe OP should jack it in and be a SAHM, if that’s what they really want to do.
Us working Mums can’t have it all.

This is my last response on this thread 🥴

I guessed you were just returning from maternity leave and I honestly think the dread at this stage is harder than the reality. It is hard to imagine how you will cope but I'm sure you will. Lots of us have felt like this and we got through it and so can you.

Try to find some positives, for example next week it will be September so just focus on "next month I get a week off for half term." Take it in chunks, don't try to think far in advance, one step at a time. Good luck.

It is hard and you will have difficult times but you just have to get on with it if you want to keep your job. You might appreciate holding onto it in a few years when life gets easier.

For us a cleaner and meal boxes helped, to take the pressure off. I did most of the night shifts with my kids because they wanted me at night, so it was quicker to settle them. We both woke up. It meant going to do a high pressure job on 3-4 hrs sleep some days but you deal with it.

My dh would put kids to bed some nights, and we both split things at the weekend. Also get any help from friends / family / extra days in nursery if you need a rest.

Ok what things can you do that would help ?

batch cooking at the weekend ?
getting Dh to take kids to soft play , library park on weekends so you can catch up ?

decluttering .

a decent lie in Saturday or Sunday ?

Do you have any idea what is going wrong bedtime ? Over tired , over stimulated ? Look at different techniques . Is it falling asleep , staying in bed ?

OP honestly I and others have posted to help (with suggestions rather than just DH bashing) but I do have some sympathy for those who have said you've kept shifting the goalposts and ignored advice. If all you wanted was a handhold you should have said that. In reality you may well not be ok if things aren't set up properly, so it's better to take some advice and tackle that in advance than just 'buck up' now and hope it will all be fine.

I definitely hope your Husband or family can support you, not least to prevent mental health spirals like this one. No one on line can do it for you.

Best of luck with everything and hopefully you learn strategies to cope with catastraphising. I've seen many people go through it post natal and it's not pretty.

Don't bother replying with more nastiness either. Seriously, seek further help in real life if you need it.

Hi @itfeelsstupid, I see spam posts have received this thread , but how are you doing? I didn't have to RTFT to guess you're a teacher! Me too, and I'm also PT. We have zero family support too, and have two DDs (age 6 and 3). I'm making it work, if you would like some tips? It is tiring, but I am managing ok.