I don't get it? I need help understanding 😔

[KEvLA]

Let me introduce myself.
I have a 9m old DS, 3 year old DD and a 5yr old DS. I have a lovely relationship with my inlaws.
My SIL had an 8yr old DS, a 5yr old DS- and a 2yr old. My kids have an absolutely beautiful relationship with their cousins - specially my 5yr DS - he sees them as best friends and can't wait to see them whenever we meet up and we all have a fab time. He doesn't stop talking about my husband's family, even living so far away lol
My PIL have a house abroad, it's been theirs since the 90s so all their second home.

My SIL declared a friend's holiday family this year rather than the usual family one ( booked early for August, which suited us brilliant as my family lived abroad in another country so we were going to look at all inclusive.
Wow the prices! My husband was gutted that there wasn't going to be a holiday abroad, to which I replied - next year we'll go when we have more money. I'm desperate to see my auntie and also equally as gutted too.

So my husband was determined to go for a holiday abroad and even though it was booked out for the summer, early September was available and my kids (their second home abroad) would still be excited as hell as they have a pool which is purely theirs to use for a whole week!
I randomly see that my FIL is in my SIL Facebook photos.. to which I was like, ok he's the sort of impulsive person who'd pop over for the weekend. I thought we could maybe ask him to the same with us too. THEN I find out both my PIL are there (this is their house and they have a little house at the bottom)
On a usual family holiday the kids are up and down to see them whenever they want and they come up for tea time and drinks with us all

So on finding this out I went ape shit - my children live 300m away from their grandparents so it was always lovely for them to spend a few days/week or so with their grandparents ( they make little effort at home) but when. They're there, wow they're fantastic!! I'm in awe.
Their other grandchildren live 15m down the road so see them whenever they want, totally normal as this is one of those child/parent close relationship).
They brush it off when we asked about it as my SIL had said - friend holiday.
They turn on my husband telling him he's unjustified by taking about it, and told him he was guilt tripping them about it. I'm livid for him when he basically said that this was "his life". Never seen it so evidently, wow.
So they're there having a mini family holiday to which my Husband was told by his BIL
They don't really come up but I saw that - they go up for drinks and food - as the do on a usual family holiday SMH.
They had a cancellation so they went early - my MIL said this.

Mother mode - *My children who adore and don't see their Grandparents a lot but, as I said - brilliant hands affectionate - they all snuggle up with eachother in the morning 💞.
They don't have any summer holiday abroad, even 2 days!! They're friends kid even does SMh. with them. They're all over there on their mini family holiday, justifying it all turned on my husband and my kids who live 300m away - perfect opportunity to spend time with their grandparents are not included, however last minute the flight was and however much they try to justify it.

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY I AM LIVID!

I've written this on here because it's eating me up and it's festering me inside I don't want to put all this on my husband when he's also feeling gutted. We all know that children talk and this will inevitably be brought up (same with another instance).

AIBU?

As we know us women go into lioness mode and our children are our world and I'll do anything to protect their feelings. My son is so intelligent , he'll be confused, upset or who knows?
I understand this is IF it's brought up by his cousin as I certainly won't!

Hopefully OP is reading, even if the posts may be difficult for her to accept. I find it concerning that the 5 yr old’s best friends are cousins that he only sees on holiday. He should have a best friend from school or the neighborhood. Someone he spends time with regularly.

I read another of OP’s posts where she is seeking help for some serious behavioral problems from the 5 yr old. This may explain why his “best friends” are children he rarely sees and cousins who are forced into the relationship with him.

I have a feeling that the cousins don’t want their vacation ruined by OP’s child. Even if the bad behaviors have been stopped, the cousins may not enjoy the relationship as much as OP’s kids.

I understand OP feels disappointed at not having the usual family holiday with her inlaws and not being able to afford to visit an all inclusive resort near her own relatives. Feeling sad that her family is missing out on time with the grandparents is reasonable. Anger, rage, fury are not.

There is something wrong in this reaction. I wonder if OP doesn’t have other instances of unreasonable anger. This might be where her DS gets his violent reactions. Therapy for OP, her DH and her DC would probably be a good idea to help them learn appropriate responses to disappointments.

SIL obviously told a bit of a white lie to get a holiday on her own with her parents.
Maybe she is
the golden child or maybe she just wanted a holiday with them without your family.
Yes hurtful to find out and annoying as you use it as your big family holiday,pool affordable etc.
Think you need to do your own thing a few holidays and accept that they wanted to see SIL more than your family.
Hurtful for your kids I get that but I would just leave them to it, your DH sounds like he's used to the favoritism.

I know the OP hasn't been back but can someone explain what the hell this is about? I haven't a clue, I can't make head nor tail of it 😵‍💫🫤

What?
What's "friend holiday" ?
What is your problem?

"My SIL declared a friend's holiday family this year rather than the usual family one"

I can't work out what that means.

SIL said she and her family and some friends were going to holiday together this year rather than going with OPs family. OP and her family couldn’t really afford it but have managed to scrape together enough to go later in the year.
OP is upset because she didn’t realise her PIL were going to be in the other house (two house holiday home) and would see SIL and family while they were there.
OP feels her son will be sad to have missed SIL/cousins holiday and that they weren’t transparent about their holiday plans. OP feels furious.

I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong.

This is all rather bizarre (assuming I have understood it in the first place).

So they rented their place out for the summer and it was to your SiLs friend.

SiL has joined said friend and the grandparents have gone because they have a little annex down the hill

Im sorry but they are allowed to do that. You feel hard done by but really it’s up to them as it’s their property

For anyone that finds it confusing, I think I’ve just about got the gist. A woman went on holiday with her family to HER parents holiday home. Her mum and dad went too, given that they own the property. Nightmare sister in-law has kicked off because she wasn’t invited.

In my experience the daughters will ALWAYS trump daughter in laws.

A quick user search shows OP has an 'unparentable' child which I dare say has a lot to do with the rest of the family holidaying separately. Interestingly she was on another thread telling someone that their In laws absolutely could not dictate what that OPs family did at Christmas, where they went or who they spent it with so looks like OP should be self aware enough to see her In Laws have just done that themselves and made their own plans not including her, probably because she has a tendency to ramble and be LIVID at the slightest thing

Well that explains a lot.

No one wants to have a holiday disrupted by a disruptive, loud, disobedient, attention seeking child. Purgatory.

Sorry, zoned out at the 4th paragraph....What exactly are you livid with, in 1 sentence please

Here: This is probably the reason the in laws want a peaceful holiday until the child can be controlled.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4823243-unpunishable

Doesn't make any sense. Why have you written it like this?

Apologies if this is long - you don't have to read, I just wanted to apply to most of the questions asked and comments*

I'm really sorry to all the people that find it's confusing. - when I read back I can see it's confusing. I wrote this at 3am, in the dark and needed to purge my frustrations into a group who can give me some real honest answers to disagree/agree/sympathise/empathise - whatever.

As I say, frustration is driving my issue.
As me and my husband both agree, their cousins live 15 mins away and they can spends lots of quality time with them. My children live 300 miles away and very infrequently see their them - I can count on my 1 hand how many times my 9 m old has seen them (my MIL retired). The only way they see their grandparents and only way they have a relationship and with their cousins - (normal healthy relationship where they mutually love the time), is when we drive 4 hours in the car - 3 children in tow 90% of the time.

Agree that there's give and take, but no give. To know that the efforts are lacking at home and then to think that they may have the opportunity to spend even 2 days with the grandchildren they barely see or all on different occasions, on a holiday/s which is in THEIR holiday house - agreed theirs.

Instead they chose to go to their house when their grandchildren who they see very frequently. A kick on the teeth I feel.. as others have said - not my home/choice.
The family holiday aspect is something my husband and son, were looking to as they're a 'close' family. I honestly 100% understand the intensity as we would have 6 children between us - carnage! Kids will be kids at the end of the day and my boy isn't the same boy as he was a year ago - amazing difference in him and I'm so proud to say that for him, but can still be a challenge - I get that this may be an issue for my SIL.
I like both my SIL and MIL but they're not my family although, I do have a really lovely relationship, they're my husband's family - no issues of jealousy as I'm glad to say, I have my own family and close relationships which are valuable and comfortable - they're my children's family and it's important that they see that - mam really gets on with dad's family. So so important as I didn't I have that experience growing up.
Jealousy is purely on my DH part as he's used to being last thought - I won't allow my children to inherit this.

The holiday to my relatives was always on the cards and the fact that my SIL was going with friends was never the issue. Also may have gone to PIL house too later in the year (paid too) all inclusive too expensive so settled on the latter anyway.

As another person said - each to their own but also upsetting for me to see that no effort on my PIL part. If my DS or DC ever ask or question this, I will politely refer them to their GPs.
It doesn't help that my MIL always remarks on my nephew being her favourite, telling him how he's beautiful and my son is secondary to that - I can quote it as I had to leave the room before I tarnished the relationship I have with her with some choice words.

I just purely want the effort made with my children from their grandparents as they love them to pieces, no malice. Just simply this.
I can't say anymore than this.

Sorry if it's a long post. I hope I haven't digressed too much and my English is acceptable.

With the added context of your other thread OP have you considered that whilst your "unpunishable" and badly behaved DS loves being with his cousins and your in-laws that they might find his behaviours and your inability to parent him effectively not conducive to a relaxing holiday?

In that situation that they might not want to hurt feelings by telling you this which is why you and your DH were not informed/invited to PIL holiday home this year with them?

Is it ok to be upset about this - yes of course.

But you also need to consider that given your own frustration and challenges re: your DS's behaviour why other people might not want to spend precious annual leave and holiday time dealing with the same thing.

For context:

"BUT, his bad behaviour is so unpredictable and he's unpunishable. He's destructive, having pulled off newly renovated paint from our interior. He's bitten the side of his bed, he's rough with other children. He throws things, lashes out - hitting kicking etc. I buy him really comfortable and expensive school shoes (sized and fitted so his feet grow properly - he rips out the insoles in less than 2 weeks! He's bitten and broken three water bottles, cut holes in 3 school jumpers and the list goes on. Nothing works to discipline him. It's really worrying."

As much as you are in "lioness mode" to protect your children maybe consider that your SIL feels the same about hers. That she doesn't want their holiday spent protecting her children from your DS who is "rough" with other children and prone to hitting and kicking?

Oh my goodness. They just want to enjoy their holiday without this behaviour.

''You also need to consider that given your own frustration and challenges re: your DS's behaviour why other people might not want to spend precious annual leave and holiday time dealing with the same thing.''

This.

Parents too often become immune to their own child's poor behaviours-

If a child is disruptive, throws toys at other children's heads {old post} and bites stuff, then it's understandable why others don't want their children subjected to that on a holiday.
The in-laws are probably older than you, OP by at least 30 years, and older people want an easier life - they have done their child rearing.

It's human nature to like an ''easy'' child- I do think that the in laws or sister in law don't want to have a big mixture of noisy frantic children around them on a holiday.

Far better to see the in laws without sister in law and her children being there.

Your post is disjointed and makes absolutely no sense.

their cousins live 15 mins away and they can spends lots of quality time with them. My children live 300 miles away and very infrequently see their them -

Move nearer then if you want to be closer emotionally and to see them more often. If their DD (your SIL) is that close I'm assuming your DH moved away.

My maternal GP lived 2 hours away and my paternal GP 5 hours away (who we saw once a year). I survived. I was close to my maternal GP because I regularly wrote letters and sent postcards. This was before everyone had a landline in their house, so you got close in other ways. Can't you facetime or zoom or write letters or send videos or phonecalls etc if you want that closer connection?

Actually how much effort does DH make to speak to his parents every week, or does he expect his parents to be the ones to do it?

Honestly, this has only ever been a problem in the house and in school- last term specifically.

During the moments with his grandmother and aunt.. always says how easy he is, polite, listens, an absolute pleasure. He's never been in anyway physical or destructive to his cousins - they equally love him as do his aunt and uncles.
He's come a long way and in no way does this affect any of his relationships with his dad's family. They think he's a "complete angel'. He snuggles up with them, plays, reads books.
On this basis I don't think this is just cause.
Just the usual children's carnage

My in-laws WERE 2hrs away - drive not ideal but very easily done on a regular basis even if we were still making the effort at our end.

In-laws moved an additional two hours away as DH BIL moved SIL,kids etc to be near his family.

We all speak everyday on WhatsApp in a group.
DH has regular contact but no actual effort made towards him with him having children and being so far away.

We've tried facetime but my eldest gets upset as he's not there. DH can't even try and keep distance by cooling off on contact as they wouldn't notice this.

We wouldn't move as my son is in a bilingual school and due to lack of interest in therm, it wouldn't be fair to uproot them for the possibility of their grandparents showing interest in having a relationship equal to their cousins.

OP, your SIL and BIL were being perfectly reasonable to say they wanted to do one year of holidaying with friends. It’s perfectly fine to trade off between family trips and friend trips, and do in-country gatherings at other times in the off years. A four hour drive is not a big deal.

Your PIL were perfectly reasonable to go to their own holiday home when a cancellation came up. They absolutely should not be staying away from their home while their child and grandchildren are there just to avoid you and your DH feeling jealous.

I understand, as do most OP, that you value your children having time with their GP. It would have been incredibly reasonable to ask your PIL if they could join you and your children at the holiday home on a different week or plan an in-country weekend outing together. Unfortunately you have now gone “bat shit” over your unreasonable jealousy and you’ve likely missed the opportunity to do that. They rightly won’t appreciate being treated like criminals for spending time at their own holiday home. Apologize sincerely for your behavior, then later you can go about initiating grandparent time for your children in a non-crazy way.

Wow, on this basis you have to stop expecting and trying to make happen a relationship with your step family that is one-sided, painful to your husband and is bound to become painful for your DS too. Enjoy your own family and make plans to spend more time with your own relatives.