I don't get it? I need help understanding 😔

[KEvLA]

Let me introduce myself.
I have a 9m old DS, 3 year old DD and a 5yr old DS. I have a lovely relationship with my inlaws.
My SIL had an 8yr old DS, a 5yr old DS- and a 2yr old. My kids have an absolutely beautiful relationship with their cousins - specially my 5yr DS - he sees them as best friends and can't wait to see them whenever we meet up and we all have a fab time. He doesn't stop talking about my husband's family, even living so far away lol
My PIL have a house abroad, it's been theirs since the 90s so all their second home.

My SIL declared a friend's holiday family this year rather than the usual family one ( booked early for August, which suited us brilliant as my family lived abroad in another country so we were going to look at all inclusive.
Wow the prices! My husband was gutted that there wasn't going to be a holiday abroad, to which I replied - next year we'll go when we have more money. I'm desperate to see my auntie and also equally as gutted too.

So my husband was determined to go for a holiday abroad and even though it was booked out for the summer, early September was available and my kids (their second home abroad) would still be excited as hell as they have a pool which is purely theirs to use for a whole week!
I randomly see that my FIL is in my SIL Facebook photos.. to which I was like, ok he's the sort of impulsive person who'd pop over for the weekend. I thought we could maybe ask him to the same with us too. THEN I find out both my PIL are there (this is their house and they have a little house at the bottom)
On a usual family holiday the kids are up and down to see them whenever they want and they come up for tea time and drinks with us all

So on finding this out I went ape shit - my children live 300m away from their grandparents so it was always lovely for them to spend a few days/week or so with their grandparents ( they make little effort at home) but when. They're there, wow they're fantastic!! I'm in awe.
Their other grandchildren live 15m down the road so see them whenever they want, totally normal as this is one of those child/parent close relationship).
They brush it off when we asked about it as my SIL had said - friend holiday.
They turn on my husband telling him he's unjustified by taking about it, and told him he was guilt tripping them about it. I'm livid for him when he basically said that this was "his life". Never seen it so evidently, wow.
So they're there having a mini family holiday to which my Husband was told by his BIL
They don't really come up but I saw that - they go up for drinks and food - as the do on a usual family holiday SMH.
They had a cancellation so they went early - my MIL said this.

Mother mode - *My children who adore and don't see their Grandparents a lot but, as I said - brilliant hands affectionate - they all snuggle up with eachother in the morning 💞.
They don't have any summer holiday abroad, even 2 days!! They're friends kid even does SMh. with them. They're all over there on their mini family holiday, justifying it all turned on my husband and my kids who live 300m away - perfect opportunity to spend time with their grandparents are not included, however last minute the flight was and however much they try to justify it.

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY I AM LIVID!

I've written this on here because it's eating me up and it's festering me inside I don't want to put all this on my husband when he's also feeling gutted. We all know that children talk and this will inevitably be brought up (same with another instance).

AIBU?

As we know us women go into lioness mode and our children are our world and I'll do anything to protect their feelings. My son is so intelligent , he'll be confused, upset or who knows?
I understand this is IF it's brought up by his cousin as I certainly won't!

OP, your little boy is violent, destructive and unpunishable at home and at school but behaves perfectly when with your husband’s family, a complete angel, never putting a foot wrong.
With the best will in the world, I just can’t understand this. I mean I know that a young child can behave perfectly at school and then as soon as they see the parents at home time, they can let out all their frustrations of the school day on them. But the behaviour described is very alarming and I think you might need specialist help for your little boy to find out what is going wrong for him.
You know him best so why do YOU think his behaviour is so different at home and at school compared to his perfect behaviour with is grandparents ?

As to your original problem of your in laws favouring your SIL’s family, I think you are going to have to try to remain calm and put it out of your mind. Your PIL are living their lives and sharing themselves with your family as much as they want to and you can do nothing about that. You are entitled to nothing more than they want to give. The same goes for your SIL and family. Be happy in your understanding that nothing is ever equal in families even if you think it should be. You can’t control other people’s thinking. Just be grateful for your own family.

Try to concentrate on helping your own little boy, by getting to the root of his problems in your own home. He desperately needs your help and if you yourself feel at odds with the world, he will suffer even more from that. He needs your love, warmth, positivity, understanding, protection and stability. Try and get some sort of therapy for yourself to make sure you can minimise the dramas and stresses in your life.

Crikey, your posts are still incoherent and near.impossible to decipher.

You and your in-laws just aren't compatible and don't like each other. It's very easy to see. They've done nothing wrong.

I think they just wanted a different holiday this year. I can see you’re disappointed, but honestly can’t see why you’ve built it into such a big thing?

The holiday to my relatives was always on the cards and the fact that my SIL was going with friends was never the issue. Also may have gone to PIL house too later in the year (paid too) all inclusive too expensive so settled on the latter anyway

I’m not being deliberately obtuse but still don’t understand with your update. This is what I have from your initial post and update, is it right or wrong:

-SIL decided to holiday with their friends this year instead of yourselves. This was at the holiday house of your PIL.
-Your PIL had no intention of holidaying with SIL and her friends, however the cottage on the grounds that was booked by another party unrelated to SIL (AirB&B?) was cancelled at late notice. So, while it was never planned, they decided to take advantage of the empty cottage to go to their holiday location they obviously enjoy.
-You are angry that PIL took advantage of the unexpected cancellation decision to use their holiday location as it meant they would see SIL/family while they are there?

Can you clarify what I have correct vs incorrect, as it would help as I am still fairly lost tbh.

I just asked chatgpt to turn @ILuvfur5 's clearer version into goobledygook that nobody can understand. Here's what I got.

Wobble Wobble:
• I’ve got a zippy-zip 9-month-old squish (ZZ), a three-squeezy-year-old whizzy (ZZW), and a five-flop-year-old bouncy (FFB). • My in-fizzles are fab-tastic, and my wee ones have a squiggly-woo connection with their flipper-dippers, particularly the five-flop, who thinks they’re his fizz-fizz pals.

Bibbity-Bobbity Background:
• My squizzle-in-law (SIL) has a wibbly 8-year-old twizzle, a five-flop squish, and a tiny-tiny 2-year-old bundle. • My in-fizzles (PIL) have a nuzzle-nook across the pond, a family snuggle since the 1990s. • Typically, we all muddle to the nuzzle-nook together.

Current Squiggle:
• This year, SIL zoomed off on a doodle holiday with chums, ditching our usual snuggle fest. They zoomed to August, which synced with our globe-trotter plans. • But, the all-inclusive doodad was sky-high, so we twiddled our thumbs and planned to snooze till next year.

Wobble Plan:
• My husband was set on a globetrotting spree, so we snagged a week at the in-fizzle’s nuzzle-nook in early September. My munchkins were all jiggle-jump about the pool and grandparent shenanigans.

Twizzle Discovery:
• I spotted my father-in-fizzle (FIF) in a Facebook flick by SIL, which twizzled my noggin. I thought he’d popped over for a spontaneous weekend hop. • Turns out both in-fizzles were snugged in their tiny burrow on the property.

Why I’m Twirled Up:
• My munchkins don’t see their grand peeps often, even though we’re a hop and a skip (300 meters) away. When we jet abroad, they revel in grandparent snuggles. • The globetrotting trips seem extra-special when we’re abroad, as the in-fizzles are more poppy-sparkle engaged. • Yet, this time, in-fizzles are having a mini-jiggly trip with SIL’s bunch, leaving us out. No word or invite, which feels like a squishy betrayal. • When we probed, they shrugged it off as a “friend’s doodle” from SIL. • My husband tried to voice his twizzles, but was met with a “not justified” and “guilt-gobble,” which left him all floppy and low.

Wobble Worries:
• I’m fuming because this was a missed chance for grand peep time, especially since the summer globetrotting didn’t happen. • I fear my munchkins, especially the five-flop, might be all twisty and hurt if they hear about this from their flipper-dippers. • I’m also in a muddle, not wanting to weigh down my husband with my fluster when he’s already feeling the funk.

AIBU (Am I Being Unfizzled)?
• I don’t reckon I’m unfizzled for feeling this way. As a mumma bear, I want to shield my munchkins’ feels, and I’m all kinds of disappointed with this squiggle. • Seeking some wibble-wobble advice, as this is a major boggle, and I don’t want it to stew in my noggin.

Massive improvement there @BadLad

Clearly a lot to unpack with your relationship, op, and I'm with everyone who says you cant force more where more is not wanted.

You talk about your son being upset when he facetimes the PIL and upset when he realises he has been left out: the thing is, hes 5. You can distract and focus those emotions. If hes picking up anything negative and of concern, itll be driven by you and your DH. He wont be worried or upset unless you are - so accept the way things are and enjoy your little family unit. Make good memories.

Wow, that was a tricky read but if I understood it correctly, I've no idea what the issue is. They booked a holiday, grandparents decided afterwards to go join in the separate accommodation which is absolutely their right - no big deal. Maybe they will want to come out again when you go in September?

"They don't have any summer holiday abroad, even 2 days!!"

This is really an awful, entitled statement. Your children don't have any summer holiday abroad? Numerous families don't even go abroad/haven't ever been abroad/can't afford to go abroad... We haven't been abroad since before COVID and that in itself was a privilege. This is a blinkered and shallow view. You've been spoilt and don't realise how lucky you've been to have regular holidays abroad.

👌🏻spot on 🤯🥴

Absolutely agree with the wanting to go away with just friends and not wanting to be in a crazy family holiday. I just don't think that my PIL expected my husband to question it as he never usually does with this kind of thing. It's not the first time, it's most of the time, when prior to children.

This isn't an issue for his brother though. He's talked about it with him and just gets brushed of as he does in every situation. I just refuse this to transfer this to my children. It's totally unacceptable for my husband and I'm funnily enough not the first partner who have noticed his families attitude to him - getting brushed aside.

However, I disagree - 4hrs is a lot when you have three children under 8. I'm lucky that my eldest is an amazing traveller. It's taking the mick when it's all-sided and not reciprocated.

Their house, absolutely.
I don't think it came across that I was batshit crazy and to be honest they've never seen that side of me as I've made a conscious effort to remove myself from situations which may make me like that, so I have nothing to ever apologise for. I leave rooms when my MIL has made inappropriate comments about her grandchildren - my children. I've had to start pushing back, nicely.

Me and my husband have no reason to apologise when all my husband has said this isn't the first time and how he feels. No apologies for that.
As for grandparent time, that on them, if they're comfortable with not making an effort with them, their loss.

When I've talked to my MIL after her comments about his behaviour with him, she told my it's a normal boy behaviour as my husband was like this. I don't know if that's acceptable in their family as my husband has definitely grown put of this as he's got older.
When I've mentioned it to my FIL (all about described behaviour he doesn't seem to feel that he's a problem. Boys are destructive, they are rough, they do lash out, they do take things apart. The unpublishable aspect now works for some ridiculous reason! I can do all the things liste - adding Pokemon cards into the consequences now, and he seems to respond
I don't know if he's able to better regulate and just has children tantrums - same as I've seen my nephews have?

The problem is that when people are adult, they do get to choose who and what time they spend with people.

You only have to look at posts on her to see how varied relationships with grandparents is - there’s no one size fits all.

There is a strong swing towards GP being closer to their daughters’ children in general - which is in line with what you’re describing here.

You also mention your husband feeling he’s pushed out/second best. Again, this isn’t necessarily about your children and will
be at least in part an extension of his own relationship with them.

The relationship you have as adults with family members will never be more than the most one side wants to give. It doesn’t have to be whatever they decide it to be, because you also have your own say in the relationship and can choose to withdraw - but it’s never going to be more than the maximum they offer, whether you like that or not.

There is no prescriptive ‘should’ about it really. It’s sad and hurtful but it’s also just life.

Op I think you need to back away from your parents in law, as all it seems to do is cause upset. Your dh feels marginalised, you in turn feel upset, and they make horrible comments about your children. I have no idea whether any of this is justified, as ever I’m sure there are two sides to this situation, but the main thing that keeps cropping up in all of this is that your dh’s feelings are being invalidated, and that is unfair.

So to protect yourselves, it seems as if you need to back off a little and - hard as this is - expect less of them. It appears that your in laws are simply unprepared to match your investment. Perhaps pulling back a little will prompt them to make more of an effort with you; who knows, you might be making it too easy for them to sit back, however if you find they are unbothered about not seeing you, then your reasons for distancing yourself from them would indeed be very justified.

You don’t mention much about your sil/bil? Surely, if it’s the relationship between the cousins that matters most, you should be worrying more about what they think than your pil. There is a lot of emphasis it seems in some families about cousins’ relationships but as the kids get older they can become a lot more forced as they start to carve their own ways and make their own friends. You may find that in 5/10 years time, their relationships with each other become a bit irrelevant especially as distance is an issue. Try not to store too much emotion on these relationships.

Thanks for your observations in my writing, I'm not sure anyone else has pointed this out in my life, so each to their own.

Im seeing that the more the moan about them, the less I want to see them or have a relationship. When and if they come, I think it will be better to remove myself from the environment and stay with friends - my husband can make excuses and they'll accept it.
This has always been about their effort/lack off with my children - their grandchildren. The fact that they all prioritise their other ones are and have always have.

I would usually agree with the swinging of one side but they act like all their children are treated the same. Ive discussed this with my MIL when she's been drunk.. She's made a reason about she loves her children but loves her one grandchild the best.. she always makes it obvious during sober moment but doesn't outright say it. This cuts deep

My SIL have made comments about how she needs them and they're going away so relies on us as her family as she'll lose them anyway. That will be the same as us too only we'll have to add that to the lack of effort we already receive.

I've discussed this with close family member of mine, who my DH loves and respects his opinions . Their attitude were along the lines of 'Fuck them off our of your little family, don't bother with them as they have different priorities to you'. This might unfortunately may mean giving his B/S the cold shoulder too.

But there’s absolutely no correlation between the fact that you feel your children are the least favourite grandchildren (not surprising as they live much further away and are likely to be less close to their grandparents) and your PIL’s decision to travel earlier than planned to their holiday home because they had a cancellation that happened to overlap with their daughter holiday in the same property with friends.

I mean, what is it you think they did wrong, exactly? What should they have done differently?

The comments about your writing are correct op. Your posts come across as wild, incoherent rants. If nobody has told you that before, I'm surprised.

But I also agree with the pp who said you need to step back.

It will be complicated as to why your PILs are closer to their other dc than they are your dh. It would be lovely if parent/adult child relationships were all equal, but that isn't realistic. They don't have to include you in every holiday. Just try to have the relationship you want with them and don't expect it to be exactly the same as the relationship your sil has with them.

I do empathise btw as my pils are closer to their dds than they are dh, so we do 'miss out 'on a lot of things. But we do see them and they do watch the kids for us occasionally. It isn't the same relationship and it isn't as close, but it is still a perfectly pleasant relationship, which is all I want.

I've discussed this distance with DH - he's of the attitude that he's accepted the way he's treated and would be totally comfortable with distancing his parents. That's sad but he doesn't have any specific contact with them.
They video called him when my baby son turned 4m and that was for a fucking fire stick he set up! They then as an afterthought said oh, let's have a look at the baby - oh hasn't he grown blah blah. - O held my tongue here!. I purposely didn't put any photos for them to see to test their opportunity to ask to ask to see them.. or phone us etc. My husband always initiates contact, or asked them when they're coming up they don't contact specifically..unless they want something!
So he decided to distance himself, they don't notice SMH.

My BIL is a single man who travels a lot but again, doesn't make the effort - SIL is agrees and tries to remain contact..then he makes - public plans about how they'll all have a Sunday dinner.. on the weekend. Upsetting for my husband, but he's not my children's grandparents.

Sorry, is 4m a big milestone which you'd expect a video call for?

It sounds as if you have support from your own family, and your dh does too.

Honestly, in a few years you might find you're quite glad you don't have to go on annual holidays with all the in-laws.

They had the opportunity to spend time with their grandchildren, they don't have the relationship with and the chose not to. They just choose to pass it around on SM. Baffling .

My son is always annoyingly over my shoulder when I go on my phone for something, and at 6 can read -so if all this came up on my feed he would question it.

If I said in passing (I wouldn't as this is an after kids go to bed convo) that how grandparents aunt, uncle and cousins are in the holiday house.. he would be absolutely crushed and ask why he wasn't there (he's not bothered about us though 😅 typical child behaviour lol). I couldn't give him those answers.

As for grandparent time, that on them, if they're comfortable with not making an effort with them, their loss

So, at the core, you are angry that PIL decided to go to their holiday location when the unexpected cancellation of the cottage in the property occurred. It had nothing to do with SIL staying there/not staying there, but you feel that they should have come to your house instead of their holiday location to show you they love your DH and kids? I have made several attempts but think I have cracked it. Is this right?

The whole thing about testing them with photos when your kids were babies probably had them thinking you guys were batshit and wondering how to act around you. If my son/partner did this, DH and I would be scratching our heads wondering why they were withholding pictures and not mentioning the baby/kids and we’d talk to each other about how strange it was but presume there must be some underlying reason, and given it could only be weird, we wouldn’t go there. In no universe would we imagine it was a ‘test’.

Nope, 4m isn't a big milestone.. it's merely a demonstration at the time between the time they last saw him.
It's not a video call for a specific age, it's more about general contact - they also have my DD/DS they could specifically ring to talk to as a contact call...
Newborn to 4m he was unrecognisable to them - lots of physical changes and they made the comment!

It's just another in-law bashing thread.

Hilarious interpretation.
From a father...