Unpunishable

[KEvLA]

I've got a nearly 5 year old. He's intelligent and his understanding of stuff is excellent. He's very switched on and has a good grasp on his second (fluent) language in school. He's great at his maths and loves building with let, to quote 'He's a bright boy' says my mother in law, (who is a former Oxford university lecturer - very academic and clever lady). He's lovely with his 2 year old sister (standard brother behaviour).

BUT, his bad behaviour is so unpredictable and he's unpunishable. He's destructive, having pulled off newly renovated paint from our interior. He's bitten the side of his bed, he's rough with other children. He throws things, lashes out - hitting kicking etc. I buy him really comfortable and expensive school shoes (sized and fitted so his feet grow properly - he rips out the insoles in less than 2 weeks! He's bitten and broken three water bottles, cut holes in 3 school jumpers and the list goes on. Nothing works to discipline him. It's really worrying.

At the same age as my little girl, he was really a handful and had a lot if intense tantrums.

So. Am I doing something wrong? (I'm quite a strong willed, but not destructive person).

Have I got unrealistic expectations for him as he's just turning 5?

Is this normal behaviour?

Some advice or even constructive criticism would be great

Sounds really tough. What do you mean by unpunishable - what have you tried? If he's intelligent he should be able to understand consequences, as long as you're absolutely consistent. I would also do some damage control - use unbreakable stuff wherever possible (toddler cups etc?), stop buying the expensive shoes for now, etc.

That said do you think there might be a sensory seeking element to his behaviour? Might be an idea to seek support/advice from GP or school SENCO?

Well the obvious question is what have you tried when you discipline him?

I tried no TV, no tablet, confiscated specific toys. I've told him we're not going to.. the park, on how bike etc etc. My mother went to pick him up from school as I had a call from his teacher to say he'd thrown a toy at another child's head - they also had to contact the parents of the other child to say the child had been hit by a toy of another pupil and consistently not listening (I know he's nearly 5) so listening skills aren't going to be perfect but when it's consistently. Like I said, same as home

My son was a bit like this at his age. He’s very, very bright has an extraordinary memory, brilliant at maths, was apparently already reading when he started school, although I didn’t realise this until his teacher told me. He has what appears to be a photographic memory. He’s randomly done a lot of weird $* over the years, such as memorised all the flags of all the countries in the world and then populations of all the countries in the world. He’s now moved onto football which I have no interest in at all but Dh says his knowledge is equally unerring . His classmates nickname him Google because he knows everything. However, up to about 7 or 8 he was a bloody nightmare socially and in terms of discipline. At 12 he’s much better socially than I worried he would be at 5. I’ve questioned ASD over the years and there are definitely tendencies there but he’s also very sociable , has loads of friends and a brilliant sense of humour that doesn’t really fit with that diagnosis. At 12 he has really good insight into other people’s feelings , emotions and thought processes. I think he’s just highly sensitive - to noise, busy places , other people, heat, clothing , bloody everything! If it all gets too much he finds things really difficult. He’s pretty anxious, always has been but as a younger child it came across as naughtiness and a very strong will. Now it’s more obvious it’s anxiety. I won’t lie he’s been a huge challenge to parent and I’ve felt alone and pretty wrung out by it lots of times over the years. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s just wired differently somehow. There are huge benefits to it but also massive challenges. With regards to your son as frustrating as it is, only time will tell . There might be something diagnosable there or maybe not. Things will change over his time at primary school and you’ll get a clearer picture. They’re all unique, some of them more so than others! In terms of discipline just know that some kids are far harder to manage than others. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault but you do need to be consistent. Don’t give up. No matter what’s going on they all need to be taught right from wrong and what acceptable behaviour is. It’s bloody hard but be firm but cool and stick with it, even if the results are difficult to see. Good luck x

This behaviour is outside what would be considered 'normal' for his age. I would have a look at ASD diagnostic criteria and see if any of it rings any bells for you. If it does, speak to your GP and the school and push to have him properly assessed.

In the meantime, get him some sensory toys, particularly a chew necklace or similar to redirect his chewing. I'd also look at getting something that allows him to tear/cut/pick/rip and redirect any destructive behaviour here, something like playdough could be good.