I don't get it? I need help understanding 😔

[KEvLA]

Let me introduce myself.
I have a 9m old DS, 3 year old DD and a 5yr old DS. I have a lovely relationship with my inlaws.
My SIL had an 8yr old DS, a 5yr old DS- and a 2yr old. My kids have an absolutely beautiful relationship with their cousins - specially my 5yr DS - he sees them as best friends and can't wait to see them whenever we meet up and we all have a fab time. He doesn't stop talking about my husband's family, even living so far away lol
My PIL have a house abroad, it's been theirs since the 90s so all their second home.

My SIL declared a friend's holiday family this year rather than the usual family one ( booked early for August, which suited us brilliant as my family lived abroad in another country so we were going to look at all inclusive.
Wow the prices! My husband was gutted that there wasn't going to be a holiday abroad, to which I replied - next year we'll go when we have more money. I'm desperate to see my auntie and also equally as gutted too.

So my husband was determined to go for a holiday abroad and even though it was booked out for the summer, early September was available and my kids (their second home abroad) would still be excited as hell as they have a pool which is purely theirs to use for a whole week!
I randomly see that my FIL is in my SIL Facebook photos.. to which I was like, ok he's the sort of impulsive person who'd pop over for the weekend. I thought we could maybe ask him to the same with us too. THEN I find out both my PIL are there (this is their house and they have a little house at the bottom)
On a usual family holiday the kids are up and down to see them whenever they want and they come up for tea time and drinks with us all

So on finding this out I went ape shit - my children live 300m away from their grandparents so it was always lovely for them to spend a few days/week or so with their grandparents ( they make little effort at home) but when. They're there, wow they're fantastic!! I'm in awe.
Their other grandchildren live 15m down the road so see them whenever they want, totally normal as this is one of those child/parent close relationship).
They brush it off when we asked about it as my SIL had said - friend holiday.
They turn on my husband telling him he's unjustified by taking about it, and told him he was guilt tripping them about it. I'm livid for him when he basically said that this was "his life". Never seen it so evidently, wow.
So they're there having a mini family holiday to which my Husband was told by his BIL
They don't really come up but I saw that - they go up for drinks and food - as the do on a usual family holiday SMH.
They had a cancellation so they went early - my MIL said this.

Mother mode - *My children who adore and don't see their Grandparents a lot but, as I said - brilliant hands affectionate - they all snuggle up with eachother in the morning 💞.
They don't have any summer holiday abroad, even 2 days!! They're friends kid even does SMh. with them. They're all over there on their mini family holiday, justifying it all turned on my husband and my kids who live 300m away - perfect opportunity to spend time with their grandparents are not included, however last minute the flight was and however much they try to justify it.

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY I AM LIVID!

I've written this on here because it's eating me up and it's festering me inside I don't want to put all this on my husband when he's also feeling gutted. We all know that children talk and this will inevitably be brought up (same with another instance).

AIBU?

As we know us women go into lioness mode and our children are our world and I'll do anything to protect their feelings. My son is so intelligent , he'll be confused, upset or who knows?
I understand this is IF it's brought up by his cousin as I certainly won't!

Does that matter? Not sure how it relates to my post? If you think it does can you tell me?

It was only that I was unsure if that was what you were saying

I can’t tell if there is a damaging level of favoritism going on or if it just a case of your PIL being closer to the conveniently located kid/grandkids. Either way, your children will need to learn that their cousins have a different relationship with the grandparents than they do. There are always going to be experiences that the cousins share with your PIL that your children won’t have.

I would stop trying to engineer massive family get togethers that involve PIL, BIL’s, SIL and cousins. Instead, I would try to orchestrate visits with each family unit individually. Invite PIL for a weekend at your home. Arrange a camping trip with BIL, SIL and cousins. Arrange to meet single BIL at the zoo for an afternoon.

If the inlaws are unwilling to visit just your nuclear family or show favoritism towards the cousins, then it is time to step away from them. Drop the rope. Stop contacting them and leave the burden of maintaining a relationship up to them. Focus on your nuclear family, supportive extended family and friends.

My DH and I both come from extended families that practice favoritism. We are both the least favored and that makes our children the least favored of their generation. Over the years we’ve put our focus on surrounding ourselves with people who reciprocate our efforts. We enjoy getting together with friends and hosting our children’s friends. We take lovely vacations as a nuclear family. When we do see relatives, our children have just as many great experiences with us and their friends as their cousins have with the extended family.

We don’t do holiday visits or extended family vacations because we refuse to allow our children to be exposed to the blatant favoritism their cousins receive. Our older children are aware that the extended family gives their cousins more/better birthday and Christmas gifts. They know about the extended family vacations, etc…. They don’t care because we’ve given them a happy life. Our younger children don’t know and are too focused on the life they have to worry about the extended family.

Your level of entitlement to use PIL house while slagging them off for not making your children the focus of their world and spending time with the GC that live nearby is a bit relative to your post.

A 6 year old leaving sliders at GP and crying about it being a whole year is on you, he's not made that up himself.

You keep saying he loves his cousins and adores his GPs so you have enough contact that he has a good bond, your whole post is nothing but jealousy that you aren't getting the attention you want.

You might be lovely and easy going in real life but your posts are indicating your SIL and PIL had good reason not to want to spend their holidays with you.

OP writes- Boys are destructive, they are rough, they do lash out, they do take things apart.

This is sexist and simply not true. The whole “boys will be boys” thing is just wrong. Speaking as a mother with 2 grown up boys.

OP, you started this post with "I have a lovely relationship with in-laws" which over the course of this thread has developed into them never initiating contact with your DH, their son, unless they want something and never ask for photos of your kids to the extent you both set up "tests" for them to see if they noticed.

I'm unclear, and I think you are too, whether you think that they should have turned down the opportunity to see one set of grandchildren on holiday, when the cancellation came up, because the other set (yours) weren't there. You've mentioned that they should have used the opportunity to see yours (where? Did you invite them? Offer to visit them? Take them away?).

It's tough feeling like the less favoured child. But you are an adult and I think it would be healthier for you to calmly consider the relationship you want with your in-laws and between your DC and the in-laws. Only part of this is in your control. If you need to set some boundaries then do. But comparison truly is the thief of joy. Your in-laws relationship with their other grandchildren will not be identical to the one they have with your DC.

Very true.
I'm also a mother of two boys - very different boys.
My DH is very different to my BIL.

My DD is like a bottle of pop and the loudest girl I've ever heard, but really confident and a cheeky monkey.

My youngest DS is really chilled and goes with the flow - being the youngest.

My eldest DS absolutely dotes on his youngest sibling. Also his sister mutual relationship with his sister - normal - protective/fighting/loving.

All my children are brought up in the same environment and all very different - so I don't consider myself awful at parenting and making sweeping statements.

Oh yes much clearer now! The AI robots clearly know their stuff 😂

My brain hurts.