I don't get it? I need help understanding 😔

[KEvLA]

Let me introduce myself.
I have a 9m old DS, 3 year old DD and a 5yr old DS. I have a lovely relationship with my inlaws.
My SIL had an 8yr old DS, a 5yr old DS- and a 2yr old. My kids have an absolutely beautiful relationship with their cousins - specially my 5yr DS - he sees them as best friends and can't wait to see them whenever we meet up and we all have a fab time. He doesn't stop talking about my husband's family, even living so far away lol
My PIL have a house abroad, it's been theirs since the 90s so all their second home.

My SIL declared a friend's holiday family this year rather than the usual family one ( booked early for August, which suited us brilliant as my family lived abroad in another country so we were going to look at all inclusive.
Wow the prices! My husband was gutted that there wasn't going to be a holiday abroad, to which I replied - next year we'll go when we have more money. I'm desperate to see my auntie and also equally as gutted too.

So my husband was determined to go for a holiday abroad and even though it was booked out for the summer, early September was available and my kids (their second home abroad) would still be excited as hell as they have a pool which is purely theirs to use for a whole week!
I randomly see that my FIL is in my SIL Facebook photos.. to which I was like, ok he's the sort of impulsive person who'd pop over for the weekend. I thought we could maybe ask him to the same with us too. THEN I find out both my PIL are there (this is their house and they have a little house at the bottom)
On a usual family holiday the kids are up and down to see them whenever they want and they come up for tea time and drinks with us all

So on finding this out I went ape shit - my children live 300m away from their grandparents so it was always lovely for them to spend a few days/week or so with their grandparents ( they make little effort at home) but when. They're there, wow they're fantastic!! I'm in awe.
Their other grandchildren live 15m down the road so see them whenever they want, totally normal as this is one of those child/parent close relationship).
They brush it off when we asked about it as my SIL had said - friend holiday.
They turn on my husband telling him he's unjustified by taking about it, and told him he was guilt tripping them about it. I'm livid for him when he basically said that this was "his life". Never seen it so evidently, wow.
So they're there having a mini family holiday to which my Husband was told by his BIL
They don't really come up but I saw that - they go up for drinks and food - as the do on a usual family holiday SMH.
They had a cancellation so they went early - my MIL said this.

Mother mode - *My children who adore and don't see their Grandparents a lot but, as I said - brilliant hands affectionate - they all snuggle up with eachother in the morning 💞.
They don't have any summer holiday abroad, even 2 days!! They're friends kid even does SMh. with them. They're all over there on their mini family holiday, justifying it all turned on my husband and my kids who live 300m away - perfect opportunity to spend time with their grandparents are not included, however last minute the flight was and however much they try to justify it.

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY I AM LIVID!

I've written this on here because it's eating me up and it's festering me inside I don't want to put all this on my husband when he's also feeling gutted. We all know that children talk and this will inevitably be brought up (same with another instance).

AIBU?

As we know us women go into lioness mode and our children are our world and I'll do anything to protect their feelings. My son is so intelligent , he'll be confused, upset or who knows?
I understand this is IF it's brought up by his cousin as I certainly won't!

When I've talked to my MIL after her comments about his behaviour with him, she told my it's a normal boy behaviour as my husband was like this. I don't know if that's acceptable in their family as my husband has definitely grown put of this as he's got older.
When I've mentioned it to my FIL (all about described behaviour he doesn't seem to feel that he's a problem. Boys are destructive, they are rough, they do lash out, they do take things apart. The unpublishable aspect now works for some ridiculous reason! I can do all the things liste - adding Pokemon cards into the consequences now, and he seems to respond
I don't know if he's able to better regulate and just has children tantrums - same as I've seen my nephews have?

So your PIL don’t actually witness any bad behaviour themselves but when you describe it to them, they normalise it and tell you that your DH was exactly the same as you describe ?
Have you actually seen your little boy behaving badly in front of your PIL ?
Or does he suddenly and miraculously transform himself into an angel behaving perfectly when they are around ?
Or are you telling us that they ignore his bad behaviour and call it normal?
If he does behave badly in front of them, how do you deal with it …do you get angry and stressed? Is it therefore possible they don’t like the way you deal with his bad behaviour.
If your little boy isn’t a problem when he’s with them why would you even need to tell them about it. Why not just be pleased that actually he can behave nicely if the environment is right for him….and try to replicate that environment for him at home. Maybe that’s what your PIL are trying to tell you. Is that possible ?
Is it possible OP, that your stress and anger around feeling left out of the family holiday this year affects your home environment and your little boy reacts to that with his own form of anger and stress ?
In any case, it seems he is suddenly receptive to your punishments now that Pokémon cards are used to control him.

I keep repeating myself I know but OP, it would be better all round if you could stop feeling livid and upset about your in-laws and their personal decisions and concentrate instead on providing a calm, ordered, predictable, loving, home environment with no pent up anger or stress in any relationships for your children to pick up on. Not easy I know, but if you put things right at home, you can have hope that eventually your little boy will respond well to that and won’t need any form of punishment but can rely on himself to behave well, reflecting the calm way you yourself self regulate your own emotions.
Wishing you all well.

I don't need therapy but thank you for your concern. I try and be positive about "oh GM, GD would so love this.. they love this about you, think this about you" all positive things, so rest assured my frustrations are never highlighted to the DC. He loves his dad's family but although they love 300milea away, they have a lot of missed opportunities to maintain this relationship with them - my son who particularly loves them.

Ah sorry, as everyone has said.. confusing. I apologize as 3am post.

They don't have any holidays abroad, even 2 days wasn't a dig and self entitlement to a holiday abroad, that's not an issue, so don't be mislead by that. Apologies if it wasn't clear or written clearer.

I mean that PIL don't have any holidays abroad with their GC, even two days.
I was more referring to the effort that they could put in to spend time with the kids abroad -( just two days), watching my little boy swim (lessons) that he talks to them about when he's seen them.
Or when my husband has sent a photo in of him - DS with swimming cert.

So, you think they shouldn’t have taken advantage of the cancellation at their holiday property, they should have gone to stay with you instead to see your children? Would you even have wanted surprise visitors? Or that they should have postponed travelling to their holiday home until you were also going?

And I think you’re massively exaggerating your six-year-old’s response to any of this. If he’s ’absolutely crushed’ it will be because he’s mirroring your response. And it really isn’t that difficult to keep your six year old from reading your phone over your shoulder. You sound as if you want him to figure this out and be ‘crushed’ to add ammunition to your grievance against your PILs.

Thanks all for reading, comments and interpretations.

I think I've taken that I need to stop worrying about the lack of effort from my PIL and that's not due to them witnessing his tantrum. When HD and myself have dealt with it we were complimented on it in fact! It's down to their nature.

I'l let them lead on the communication and if they have comments to make about this then so be it.

I've come to realise that my upbringing and their family aren't the same and, as I was once told - sorry English people - that Celtic people are generally have a more loving nature. Sorry, it's not my comment.

I'll try and be polite and hold my tongue (maintain decent relationships for my children)
I need to just make sure my little family a protected in all ways - mental health wise etc.

I know that most think I'm being silly about the whole situation - I disagree but still, cheers for being honest. I know how bitchy and brutal MN is so I was expecting different opinions.I think I just needed a bit of a rounded view about to see if I could make sense out of it and to see if I'll still feel the same after reading them

I know some of you would like to reply to this so go ahead, I'll read and then shut down 👏

I was going to pull out bits of your replies but there are too many that I would respond to.

I'm starting to get the impression you are letting your 5yr old rule the roost and his feelings and emotions matter more than anything. That is not normal or natural. The fact he reads over your shoulder when you are on your phone so you have to be careful, that you can’t WhatsApp PIL because he wants to be there, that you are willing to cut off an entire family because they aren't centering him, the fact he destroys your house but you have now denied it saying its normal boy behaviour (it flipping isn't!!).

You have a problem, and it is YOU not parenting your child properly. It is YOU not managing your child's expectations. It is YOU notestablishing normal boundaries for yourself as a parent. All that has a knock on effect where you feel so out of control you are blaming others and just being angry at the world. Just stop. Seek therapy for yourself, and find a parenting class you can go to as well. Stop making this child's feelings and wants be centre and start teaching him how to manage, otherwise he will be a very violent and out of control teen.

My BIL is a single man who travels a lot but again, doesn't make the effort - SIL is agrees and tries to remain contact..then he makes - public plans about how they'll all have a Sunday dinner..

1. He's a single man who is busy enjoying his life in his own way. He is allowed.
2. You are 300 miles away!!!

Btw - where do your other children fit in? You've not mentioned them once apart from listing them in you OP.

I am Irish with English in-laws and there are certainly cultural differences. But I still think your reaction to perceived rejection based on your posts on here are too extreme.

I do empathise though, as my in-laws also favour their other dcs over dh and therefore see more of their other gc. It's taken years for me to find that a totally comfortable experience, but honestly, now I prefer it tbh. I don't want an annual holiday with in-laws or the same treatment sil gets for example. It means I'm less beholden to pils if they need a favour. I will try obviously, but if something doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Not just me then.

Ok OP.
'English people are less loving'. If this is your conclusion after more than five years of failing to read the room and believing that your expectations should be met, so be it.
As a foreigner married to an Englishman this isn't my experience, at all.
But then I didn't come to his family, or to this country, with a list of rules on how people should behave.
It looks to me as if they are trying to show you love, but frankly, the way you present yourself would make me want to have some time off too, on my holiday.

It would have been a nice thought though. Not saying they had to do it, but would have been nice. That's just me.
I don't think I'm exaggerating and I definitely don't want him to find out but he also discusses these sorts of these things with his cousins. How do o stop that? My ILS are not going to hide that but obviously not mention it.
I do say - when he's trying to look none of your business!
I don't look at the photos on SM and I've muted my notifications and on their chat, for now. To ensure he doesn't see it pop up on my phone. I can't do anything more to stop him finding out.
If he finds out, won't be through me as I've said and I can only refer him to his grandparents.

ChatGPT please generate a confusing and oddly punctuated tale of how I have been wronged by my family, to add to the other dozen currently in Active Conversations.

Why is a five year old seeing notifications on your phone? Keep phones out of reach, he shouldn't be having access to it ever.

As for the disappointment he's 5, in a flash he'll have forgotten so why are you trying to micro manage his perceived feelings around a holiday that his cousins have had with grandparents.

Can't say I'd be that bothered tbh. My parents have had lots of holidays with my sister and kids.
Ask them to join your holiday next year or book something just your family.

Too small a thing to be livid over

@KEvLA

I have read through your posts, and I do feel for you.
I think you are probably a really warm and loving person and mother, but, there's just from the way you write and express yourself are possibly suggests you are someone who maybe struggles with executive function, and emotional regulation. Is there any ND in your family?

That aside I do understand what you are saying about basically feeling sad about how life is sometimes. You are sad about what you thought could have been a close loving relationship with grandparents for your dc, and have to accept that it's average, not bad but not absolutely amazing.

I understand this feeling of "if only the other person did as much as I would have done" in terms of showing love and kindness and attention. How lovely things could have been....

However real life doesn't work like that op. You can't keep hankering on about if only so and so did this ,that, or the other. And you can't compensate for this perceived lack either, by constantly being the one to bridge the gap. It has to come from both sides.

Try to think of it in these terms. Your children have a relationship with their grandparents and cousins and as long as you do not purposefully put obstacles in the way, this relationship will be best it can be, given all the circumstances.

If he finds out, won't be through me as I've said and I can only refer him to his grandparents.

No OP, if your little boy is upset about something it’s your job, not his grandparents job, to comfort him and help him see that in most families, it’s normal not to be always included in every event. If you live 300 miles away, how can you or he expect to go to a Sunday lunch organised by BIL. You just help your child adjust his expectations without any ill feeling towards them. His grandparents and cousins still love him even if they only see him once a year.

And that is exactly the problem here. You can’t re-frame it yourself, preferring to take offence and be livid and feel like a victim of theirs when there is absolutely no need to do that. That’s not good for your little boy because he then does exactly the same as you, his role model.

If he finds out, won't be through me as I've said and I can only refer him to his grandparents

You are shockingly manipulative.

OP - you really need to change your ways before you actually lose everyone after all. These people are all individuals with a right to do things with or without you and your kids. Just stop being shitty about it.

OP do you not think that somehow, something in lost in translation between you and your in-laws? Stop expecting and start listening.

I can’t help but notice this story went from “the whole family gets along wonderfully, we all love spending time together and going on big vacations with my DC’s amazing, loving grandparents and cousins” to “my DH’s family are awful and treat us and our children terribly, we’re basically considering going low-contact” after OP didn’t get the response she was hoping for here.

@KEvLA can you confirm, so you ARE going to PIL house in September?

But according to you your children hardly ever see their cousins because they live so far away, so presumably it’s not likely to come up in conversation any time soon, especially as you didn’t have a joint holiday this year?

And maybe spend less time on your phone if your six year old appears to be reading over your shoulder to the point where he grasps entire family situations…?

There's other methods of communicating

He's mine. I will comfort him 1000% but at the end of the day I can make excuses and excuses. If he's not happy with them then I don't have the answers.
It's not manipulative, it's facts and reasons that I personally can't give him.

Just tonight he asked my for flip flops to Which I replied that you have sliders and he said oh I left those (my PIN,) I said oh well maybe they'll come and see us/we'll try and go and see them to get them. He cried and said that may be a whole year, to which I replied well I'll ask if they can send it in the post for you? He was happy with that. I didn't bad mouth them and just reassured.

My husband is very loving and affectionate and he's also English.

I've never made "rules". I've just had an expectation from GP to show their GC they value their company - that's unwritten. If not then it doesn't show me a "loving" nature.
I don't care if they send them a birthday present and instead give them their time. It's far more valuable and they don't get it.

They do show their love, but excluding my children isn't showing them any obvious affection. I can't say that it matters to me that WE are excluded but I get the feeling my DH does feel a bit disappointed for himself and our DC.

@KEvLA several people have asked this question yet I haven’t seen an answer.

are you scheduled to go to your PIL’s holiday home in September? Have you asked them if they can join you for some or all of it?

@BadLad your version genuinely helped me understand the OP better.