To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

I am not a boarder and neither are my children but I have to say I find the complete dismissal of some peoples lived experience- positive boarding experiences- to be quite extraordinary.

The fact that my children enjoy coming home every day. And they really need and look for a connection with us every day, no matter how big or small. Plenty of time for them to spread their wings when they're young adults. But not children.

I think it's now mine are older I'm so pleased they're not boarding (like my dad and my ex)

Id rather have good relationships with them than with their tutors /matron. Catch all the little bits of chat when driving to sport/at dinner than discuss g them like a pupil.

I've only really seen the negatives. Yes a bit of polish and increased career prospects, but so much emotional damage - especially men

I understand it if the alternative is abusive home (rich people's alternative to fostering...) or parents unable to give hugs or affection but although I wouldn't say it to a friends face I don't think it's great (obviously this thread asked for it directly it's not unsolicited)

Parenting teens is taking time and effort but I do think it's quantity as well as quality. If I just saw them once a week to watch a match and have tea we would have a very different relationship. Wed miss so much of our shared experience togethe, the little tidbits of info after school, the revelations in the car or late at night and the general shared lives together.

For my ex he asked to board as all the boys tended to after a certain age. It just was the norm in his circles. He wasn't a good example...

I went to boarding school age 14. My parents didn't live in the UK so there was nowhere for me to go home to. I flew home for the holidays or mum flew here. I enjoyed it. I was able to study in peace, spent time with friends, learnt about volunteering/charity work, spent weekends playing rounders/sports. I had lots of experiences I wouldn't have had if I didn't go to the school. We had good pastoral care and good careers advice and teachers that were interested in us as individuals. It helped build my confidence and ability to be independent. For me it was a good experience.

My heart goes out to all those posters telling their awful stories of boarding school.

Yes @DiscoBeat moments of connection. That's exactly it.

You do realise they come home at weekends and have extended holidays? It's not like they go on September 1st and don't see anyone till July.

Some of these stories on here are so sad.

My children have attended/attend private school and have said that they would love to board, I’m not sure what that says about us as a family 🙈 but I don’t think we’re that bad just a typical working family. I think they romanticise about doing prep with their friends and hanging out, I’m sure the reality would be quite different reading some of these replies.

I can certainly see the attraction if you’re in the military for example to give the children some stability or even an occupation where you work long or unsociable hours.

And all schools are different (mine are certainly not at a top mp producing school).

But don’t the sports scholarship kids get time out of lessons / lunch breaks etc? I boarded at sixth form only but there were others in high performance squad (ie national level) in younger years who like me had moved solely for the this reason as they didn’t live in a location next to a national centre and/or the set up made it easier to fit in with schoolwork

Most drugs are taken in state schools. Most teen pregnancies are in state schools. It’s so easy to believe hype.

I've a 26 yo actually and I think that's piffle , sorry.

I'm very sorry to hear that @Crazycatlady79. Sounds truly awful 😢

My mum talks about the trauma of boarding school EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HER LIFE

Not so much worried about what goes on although I think the risk of bullying is higher - but more the concern around the impact the separation has on attachment with parents and how that might subsequently impact emotional wellbeing.

I despise it from my own experiences. Missing my mum and dad so much I cried every night, being bullied and never getting a reprieve because instead of going home to a place of sanctuary I lived with them, house parents who were in loco parentis to tens of girls and never had time for everyone (least of all those of us who weren’t their favourites), having every hour of my day scheduled for me, never getting to really switch off and be myself, never getting a reprieve from school drama.

I know some kids seem to cope in boarding schools but I will never, ever, EVER believe children are best served by living away from their parents for school, regardless of what opportunities or facilities they have access to as a result.

DH went to boarding school and he says that the reason the Tories are so at home in the Houses of Parliament is because it's just a continuation of boarding school.
Actually, he loved it. Loved that he could do sport all the time, as soon as he'd finished his homework. Loved that everyone had to do an hour of homework at the same time and then had no responsibilities. Set times for meals, etc. He kept his head down and wasn't bullied too badly. Some boys were really miserable though and he says he could hear the younger ones crying at night. Some hated it so much they ran away. His school had students from places like China who didn't go home for the holidays and had to spend Christmas at the school with a skeleton staff!

I really don't think 6th form boarding is comparable to primary or pre-teen age. Some of the kids at my university college were only 17 as they'd come through the Netherlands education system and coped just as well as I did at 19.

I don't think I'm pro or anti boarding. Boarding isn't for me mainly because the years with the children being at home are already very short so I wouldn't want to miss big chunks of this. Ultimately this is selfish but I think the children benefit from parental involvement,

It’s more flexible for training for niche sports or for leaves of absence to go to play in matches/train with a squad/go on tour, but no, sport takes place outside lesson time in all the schools I know of. Wednesday afternoons and after lessons in Co-curric time.

I’ve worked in one. They obviously vary greatly, as do the individual experiences of the children. In my view, the negatives are that I don’t think school should be a 24 hour place; I don’t think your family evenings and weekends should be absent and replaced by interactions with teachers and pupils; I find the idea of having children and then only seeing them every six weeks or so very strange - almost coldly detached. However, the school I worked in offered flexible boarding so the pupils could just do one or two nights a week if they wanted to. I thought that particular option was fantastic because the boys did view those nights a bit like fun sleepovers and they still spent the majority of their spare time with their own families. I did want to board as a child, though, but never did.

Well, there you have it.

It is not unusual for professional parents to not have a lot of time for dc in the week.

Strangely many, many professional parents do have time for their children during the week because they prioritise their children, rather than sub-contracting the parenting.

Why have children when they get in the way of your career?

You're supposed to be engaged on top of contact time. Not instead of.

This, its noticing your kid is bit down and having a chat and finding out that boy they like just doesn't bloody know their name, catching a shifty expression and knowing the maths test was a disaster, smelling the vape on their breath. And just them growing up seeing normal family life, seeing their own parents relationships, sharing emotions, being part of a household together.

Weekly boarding at 16+, maybe for a very independent teen if it facilitates a serious hobby eg a specialist music or sports college. But at 11/12? No, my kids are never going

That’s at least partly because 93% of children go to state schools…

It is not unusual for professional parents to not have a lot of time for dc in the week.

DH and i make time. Sure we have to sacrifice some things but time for the DC is a priority.

I don't think it's always an awful experience and if your child/ren are happy then that's great. I do wonder why you choose to live in the middle of nowhere where your children can't have a social life? We have always lived in a town so that our kids could walk to school and see their friends. My DH has two older brothers who went to boarding school as they were a forces family and it was paid for (at least partly I think) but my DH and his younger brother didn't as they were out of the forces by then. The two older sons had a more distant relationship with their parents while the two younger ones were much closer. I've often wondered if that's because the older two were away from home so much growing up?