To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

Well I don't have any experience myself. But my FIL hated it so much he ran away from boarding school and his parents had to take him out. So even though they sent DH to a private school it was a day school only.

It's not something I would consider for my own children even if we could aford it as I would miss them to much. I agree with the poster above they don't get a break from school either and home should be a safe place you can go to to get away from everything. Surely you don't really get that space at boarding school. 🤔

The other thing is what do you think is going on? How can you be sure of what you think you know?

Countess scandals and horrors have come to light years after they took place. I’m sure the parents of those children thought it was all okay and above board at the time.

But why boarding? The OPs children’s school is 20 minutes away. They could go home every day easily.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown I worked in a boarding school, in a boarding house. As others have said it’s not so much what happens as what doesn’t. They don’t see their parents enough. They can’t get away from friendship group dramas. They don’t have anywhere really comfy that’s theirs and private.

24 hours a day of following school rules and being around the other girls who thought I was a bit odd/swotty/teacher's pet/had frizzy hair would have finished me off.

Mine too. I don't think he even really now accept how it broke him but he has incredibly low self-esteem covered up with stubbornness and refusal to engage in nearly any emotional conversation.

He was 7 when he first went. Hit me hard when my son turned 7 and I only then realise quite how young my dad had been

Same.

I went and hated every single second.

I've worked in one, albeit quite a while ago. The adult to child ratios in the evenings are why I wouldn't send my DC to one. I think children benefit from having 1:1 conversations with adults and support with their homework. My DC also wouldn't enjoy being with their friends as much as children are in boarding school.

But there's obviously a place for boarding schools - people don't all share my values or parenting approach. Children are all different and some may enjoy being with friends for longer periods. My children would benefit from not having to commute to school. Some families have challenging circumstances that make boarding a practical necessity.

This. Not being in a family. Setting yourself up (alone) to cope (alone) with all life throws at you. No sounding board. No boundaries. No hugs. No concern, compassion, kindness, affection, not enough food, being cold ALL the time particularly in bed, the constant need of being socially “in or out” or worse, bullied. Having to make the options of a bunch of pre-pubescent strangers your support system, instead of your family.

There are entire research groups of psychologists and therapists specialising in post boarding trauma.

But yeah sure, your kids are “thriving”…

I think it's sad for a parent to have so little input into their child's upbringing.

Why have kids if you don’t want to have them around?

I don’t think they’re a hot bed of nonces or anything like that, but offloading an U16 seems quite sad.

It’s not what goes on there but what doesn’t ie family life.
I remember watching Leaving Home at Eight which was about kids going to boarding school and how they all shut down emotionally for self-preservation.
My siblings all went to boarding school and none of them would send their kids as a result.

Yes @SausageinaBun if the alternative was foster care for the children or living in a really unsafe country then I think I would accept boarding school was ok but I would be really careful what school I sent them to. And I would want some independent adult to be checking in on them regularly

I honestly didn't "make" them go there. I was very anti them boarding. The school they went to had lots of pupils for whom it was a natural follow on. The boarding request was driven by the DC, which I know can be interpreted as them having a shit home life, but they don't, and time spent at home shows they love it here too.

However we live in a remote area. They have no friends (there are no houses) within walking distance. At school they not only see friends every evening, they are also able to practice their very different sports, which wouldn't have been viable outside of this school.

My son did2 years at 'state'boarding school back in 2011 to 2013 ( age 12 to 14). He totally loved it - it also really brought out some confidence and debating skills

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown
Would your children not thrive at home? Or is your home life so chaotic and unstable that they are better off in a boarding school?
Xposted with your reply. Sounds as if they are better off then in a boarding school than in a remote location with no friends. Do you regret that?

I was a day girl at a mixed day & boarding school. The borders were well looked after but begged to stay at home with us for weekends, either missed their parents desperately or not at all (but missed their pets/house keeper etc)

I don't think humans should only be surrounded by peers - we need parents too.

I recently got chatting to someone who works at a v fancy private school she had been a house mistress (different capacity now) & told me she regrets so much that her own daughters boarded even while she was mistress for another house. She says the kids that she's seen grown up are delightful but closed off & rootless.

The bullying and abuse is with you 24 hours a day face to face, there is no escape. The feeling of being unwanted by your parents! I just feel it’s incredibly sad that people have kids and then can’t wait to get rid of them (personal experience).

But if you have a terrible experience at a day school, you can come home to your parents (or care giver) and to somewhere safe and tell them. There's a separation between worlds.

I went and loved every minute of it. Given the choice again, I’d still go!

The breaking of primary attatchments.

I went to boarding school and loved it. For me it allowed me to escape the stranglehold my toxic mom had on me. I genuinely loved it.

Why would you assume they’re being ‘made’ to board?
Most of the people I know who boarded did it because they chose it. Primarily for the access it gave them to training for sports they loved.
In some circumstances boarding can be a sensible and more stable option for older children. It can offer them things that day school doesn’t.
It is obviously not right for many kids. And some schools don’t do a good job but it is small minded to dismiss it entirely.

They produce humans who go on to become MP’s and similar awful creatures.